behind

Here I sit, with Dr. Pepper in hand, enjoying the random fireworks outside the window. It is easy to remember the Giver of good gifts in times like these!
I am behind on emails, behind in my reading, behind in my homework, behind on my movie watching- I wonder what I have been doing all this time :)
So, here I sit, enjoying the day- not worrying about what I haven't done and enjoying what I am doing!

A Rom. 8 moment

It was gut retching. Tears flooded to my eyes and I wanted to shut off the unbearable scream.
It was just a movie....but this one seen seemed to capture the pain of living in this "gap" where the curse still kills people and death, hunger, sickness, evil, horror is all around us. The cry was against all the evil in this world- it was a cry for love to reign; for peace to flood the streets; for grace to remove even the memory of sin. It was a blood curdling scream full of pain.
I laid in my bed, Maynard (my computer) laying on my chest, totally enraptured in this film. I felt the pain...and yet in the pain there was the realization that there must be something better. This pain should not be real, it should not be happening to those around us, it shouldn't exist.
It is in these moments, the fleeting seconds that I see both pain and hope so deeply intwined, that I see what Paul is talking about.....groaning for the return of Christ. Pain and hope in the same breath: groaning for the the day it will all be made right!

scattered

the last few days have been scattered. I run to school, then run to the British Council to hang out and study, then I run back home, to tutor or be tutored, and then by time I know what time it is- it is too late to "do" anything and time to get ready for school the next day and go to bed.
Today I spent about 8 hours "in Arabic" (meaning that I have spent the day in class, studying or speaking Arabic!) I chatted with 2 different girls today in pigeon Arabic for almost an hour...and then I went to tutoring and spent another hour in pigeon Arabic. All of that was after 4 hours of class and 2 hours of studying because I have a test tomorrow!!!!!!!
I was able to tell a girl about my peace studies idea (which is REALLY hard in pigeon Arabic if you have never tried it!) And it was cool to see her response. This was the first Islamic Arab that I have told of my idea- so I wasn't very confident of her response. She was floored. She had no idea why I would want to spend my life helping the region. She said "you must love my people very much to want to do this." I almost started crying. One, because she understands how hard it will be to get "community" to take place here and she is glad that I want to try. And two, because I know that I don't love the people as much as I love my idea most of the time.
I am pretty wiped out- but happy that I have found things to fill the long days of Ramadan.

salvation is free (for us)

Today has been a good day- where most of the day I have been able to remind myself "I am not saved by my....arabic, friends, house, cultural understanding, fun-ness, kaza kaza kaza"
i was listening to a song today that kept proclaiming "salvation is free" and I first thought- no it's not! Jesus paid for our salvation- a VERY high price!!! But then I thought, wait- it was free for me! All I had to do was believe, all I have to do is believe- and salvation, redemption, is mine!!! Nothing I do earns it, nothing I can do can make it better (or worse) and nothing I can do can make me lose it.....it is free for me!
That is what grace is- free.
It has been a day where I have enjoyed basking in that. As I was studying today, I saw the most incredible clouds reflecting on the glass table. It was so much fun to watch the sky pass by around my arabic book! Tonight, as the sun was setting, the houses were simply brilliant as they radiated the setting sun. The moon was out and the clouds turned purple. The wind was barely moving, just enough to feel it surround you. I wished I had my camera- but was glad that I could just enjoy it. I was glad that I was able to enjoy the "free" show- and that for at least a few minutes I understood the joy of knowing the Giver of all good gifts!

the coolest place

I found a really cool bookshop today. All it was missing was a supply of Moleskine books! It is really cool- has an incredible balcony, a great menu for cheap (oh, did I mention it is a cafe/restaurant upstairs?) and it is painted all funky colors, with funky pictures lining the stairs, and funky mismatched couches inside. It is great! I went and hunkered down in this big purple and pink couch and no watched me, no one stared - and I was able to drink and study even though it is Ramadan!!!!
So, I now have to great places to study close to school- so I think I am going to hang out close to school, bring snacks or buy cheap snacks at these cool places and try to study before I go home. I am hoping that this will allow me to get more studying in- we will see!
I have had a pretty low key day- went to study, met a new friend from a potential "company" to go with in the future, came home, studied, went to church and helped with the kids, and then now I am home again to study! Oh the life I lead!!!
I am dying for a Dr. Pepper- and I found some the other day- so I have 3 cold ones in the fridge as I speak. But, I made a deal with myself that I would only drink "black fizzy" on Sunday. I am trying to learn anticipation- you know, the anticipation that we all should share because Christ is going to return? The hope of our calling? But, I am not very good at it. I don't have many things that I anticipate (except maybe knowing Arabic!) but I figure this is a way I can practice anticipation every week!! (it has been over a month since I have tasted the "heavenly beverage" -so I am chomping at the bit to down one tomorrow!!!!) So, tomorrow is the day- and I can hardly wait!!! I just wish I wanted Jesus to come back as much as I want to drink Dr. Pepper!!

Ramadan

So- it is hard to meet people during Ramadan- which is not good for the language practicing. I was hoping that I would have a few friends before Ramadan started, but because of the move, school, and trying to figure out how to get to my house- it just didn't happen. So, I have settled in to the idea that it will be at least 3 more weeks before I get to have conversations in arabic that I don't pay for (i.e with a tutor.)
That was until the last few days. Yesterday at Safeway (yep, we have out own version of Safeway here!) I was at the cheese counter when a girl walked up to me- in full abaya and hijab- and asked how much my sandwich meat was- in perfect English! Come to find out, she is Palestinian but has grown up in California. She is married and her husband has got a job here in Amman where his family lives. She was excited to meet me- and I was thrilled to have a "local" to chat with.
Then, today- I went to the British Council (a local hang out where they teach English and such). I walked in and saw someone with a drink. I know this means nothing to most of you, but being here in Ramadan you notice food and drink out in the "open" during the day. I wanted to know if we could drink, so I turned to a few girls sitting there and asked if we could drink. This one question turned into a full blown "conversation" and lots of laughter. It was great! I hope to see them again this week!
So, in the span of 2 days I went from 0 friends to practice Arabic with to maybe 6 girls all eager to help me!
What fun!! And all in Ramadan- who would have thought?

hard

It is hard to learn Arabic- apparently there are 80 different ways to make plurals, every verb has at least 7 forms- and in each of those forms, there are 9 different ways to say it - for esample "see" becomes: you-see, he-sees, she-sees, they-see, you-(girl)-sees, you-all-see, I-see-(man) and I-see-(girl) and we-see!!!!! And then of course there are the various "pronouns" that you can stick on the end of EVERYTHING and make it mean "I-see-you" "I-see-it" as one word. (etc. etc. etc. - or in Arabic, kaza, kaza, kaza!) ...so basically it is complex and hard.
It is enough to make a girl wonder why the heck she wanted to do this in the first place!
It is hard, I am trying to keep my head straight and laugh...but sometimes the endless amount of homework just gets at me!
Today we had a funny thing happen in class. We were practicing pronunciation and inevitably I hadto read a word that sounds JUST LIKE a cuss word in english. So, we all had a laugh and it was a good break!
I have another test this week- but I get out early on Thursday and no class on Sat. so I should be able to "catch up" and get ready to be behind on Monday!!! :)

"a sighting of delight"

pictures anyone?

here are a few pictures- but check out the link to the left to get more!

Hope

This weekend was amazing. I had a great time, learned a ton and it was great to get away for a while. I was reminded of how important it is to hope for the return of Christ. So often, I hope for a good day in class, for people to like me or for something fun to happen- and I forget that my hope is in Christ. When I was reminded of this, I seemed to find glimpses of hope everywhere! I saw it in the beauty of the sun, the breeze, the mountains, the flowers, nature all around me. I saw it in my thankful heart that began to swell with all that I have been given- I began to look for glimpses of hope everywhere.
I came home, went to tutoring and then had a party! Surprise, Surprise! This time it was about 4 Americans, an Egyptian lady and 3 Sudanese and a Canadian:) It was great. we had supper, sang songs in Arabic and English and then prayed together. It was a great picture of heaven...a meeting of brothers and sisters, very different and even speaking different languages- but all coming together to worship God!
I hope to post some pictures soon....so keep on the look out for them (I will upload them tonight, but some times it takes forever for them to get up!)

going out

Today was a good day- good day at class, then home to a clean house (the house helper came today) and then a salad with good lettuce!!!! Baby leaf lettuce here in Amman!!! and then out to a meeting about children's church for the English Speaking church...great time with some real servant ladies. Then, I got home and FTF had made me supper!!!! So, we sat down to a great meal and chatter.
Then, we hung out, watched tv and such- and then Cali, Northy and Steps dropped by....they brought food and drinks, and dishes to wash :) but it was good.
Tomorrow I am leaving for the weekend. I am headed to a small outlying city for a retreat with my church. It is a "discipline" weekend...a weekend where we will practice various disciplines together. It is a great time to do this because Ramadan started today- and a weekend set aside to pray, read and "kaza, kaza, kaza" (etc. in Arabic) will be great.
I may or may not have internet there, so I will write as much as I can.

first test done, many more to go

so, I woke up on time, planning to spend a few minutes at school to study. I got up, got ready and took off down the street to catch a taxi. It normally takes about 5-10 minutes to catch an empty one. But today it took 30!!!!! So, I was almost late for school. No time to study at all!
So, I decided to look at the test as a measure of how much I know from class, not from my cramming session the night before. I went into the test (the man who gives the oral tests is known for being hard to understand) so, I went in trying to listen and take my time to respond.
I did the test, no sweat actually- and was kind of frustrated that they didn't ask anything really hard!
But that is the DTS geek coming out! So, I was just thrilled with the gift of encouragement today!
Then, we go back to class and start verbs. It was like the teachers were saying- welcome to the big leagues boys and girls! So, it will be another long night of studies.
After class, I took off to the Al Hussein society for physically handicapped children and decided that I will start volunteering there after Ramadan. I am excited about this chance to blend Arabic learning and volunteering! It should be a great way to meet some people and help all at the same time!
I have looked into some other places to volunteer as well- but everything seems to take a while here, so we will see.
Ramadan starts tomorrow- YICK! It will be hard because I don't really know anyone yet and Ramadan is an awful time for meeting people because they spend all their time sleeping or having family over. But we will see!
Now I am headed for a study/hang out session at the nearest Starbucks (don't worry, I won't actually give them money :) I might get water- but that is it!

great day

I had a really fun day. First, class was great fun because we played a review game (because our first test is on Wed.) and it was jeobardy (that is Jeopardy- there is no "p" sound in Arabic, so we had to change the name!) It was really fun, and I learned a lot and was able to mesh things together. Then, after class I went and got my visa renewed. God as s cool and provided and Iraqi woman who spoke english who was there to help me fill out the forms (all in Arabic) and to deal with the policemen and there questions (that I didn't always understand). It was cool to be standing there with someone who has mixed feeling about my country, and asking for help. it was great to see her give and give to me, with no questions asked! It was a neat picture!
Then, I went to the grocery store (Ramadan is coming up, so I will have to eat at home all the time) and then we had a last "hooray!" before Ramadan and went to Fudruckers for lunch.
Then, hang out at the house with FTF (who has become a dear friend. we have hung out a ton lately, she even spent the night last night. I have really enjoyed talking to her, getting to know her, and watching her fit and settle into life here. I am really glad that God has provided her friendship!)
Then we went to the mall and hung out with 3 Sudanese ladies, one Sudanese man and an Egyptian lady that all go to a local seminary. It was fun, and they laughed at my Arabic (I was tired and making silly mistakes- it was truly funny!) Now, I am at home. I have a lot of studying to do, a long day of class tomorrow- and then a test to get ready for!

Love your enemies

So, I got a good lesson in this today! Remember Steps from yesterday's blog- well, she came up to me after school today and asked if she could come over to my house. I said yes, of course. She rode home with me, had lunch, took a nap and then proceeded to invite other people (I am pretty sure that the only reason she wanted to come over was so that she could invite the guys) and then they all descended on my house. Then, in the serving of ice cream and such- somehow we got on politics....Not really that good of a conversation for people from all different walks of life and not very much experience (if any) in the Middle East. And on top of all of that, most of the people in the room were "pro-war" and aren't too hype on my "peace studies" idea. So, it was not a good conversation (totally out numbered and ambushed in my own house!) I took off and went to church (leaving some of the party members behind at the house until they left for their church).
I loved the church I visited tonight and now feel like I have found my places for worship - both Arabic and English! God is SO gracious that I would be able to settle in this fast....I am thrilled and just cried through most of the service thinking about all that He has done for me in the last few weeks.
Then, I got home to a party brewing- the crowd wanted to return. So, I know that they live in places where they can't have people over, and I live in a place where I can. I also think that at times they don't really want to be with me, as much as just be together - and I am glad that I can serve them. But I wasn't really in the mood to go back and deal with them. I felt like the outcast because of my political views (they all felt the same, and I was the weirdo) But I opened the fridge and got out the left-overs from the party. I fed the 5 of them (again) and then had ice cream (again). It all got a bit too much for me....I had no time today to process my new found "friendship" with Steps...nor the blasting of my views this afternoon....and here I was offering them my house, my food, my ice-cream....my life!!!! I didn't want to serve, I wanted to settle into my chair, blog and watch tv!
I went out on the porch- the cool breeze surrounding me, the stars twinkling in the distance and just talked to Jesus. I told Him that I don't like people who don't think I am wonderful. I told Him that I didn't want to serve anymore- that I wanted to be served and for people to like me. And I told Him that I needed help....lots of it.
Then I walked back into the house and started cleaning up- And, it wasn't that hard. I knew that I was getting a chance to love- even when it wasn't easy. And I knew that I couldn't do it because I "had" too...but because the Spirit was working in me.....
We busted out the cards and played Nertz....and I won (with FTF) and it was fun! Good times were had by all! God's grace showed up again!

just what I needed

I have spent the day washing dishes, cleaning up the house, reading, catching up on email, catching up on financial stuff, and doing homework. It was just what I needed - a day with no obligations, where I can make my schedule- or not have one!
I am hoping to meet with some people from a local charity tomorrow...I hope it works out for me to join them in their work....I think it will be a great way to practice Arabic and give back to this great city.

today

I am kind of weird in many ways- one of which is that I like people to really like me. So, last night at my party I wanted everyone to have a great time. Things were going really well, everyone was having fun, laughing and I was running around serving. I have learned a lot about serving from "common grace" and it was so much fun to spend the day getting ready for a fun night. It was nice to be able to give to people and not have them worry about anything.
It was all going great- I had managed to get everyone here (a massive task since I have not been able to find my own house the first few days!). We had eaten, had ice cream and had moved the party outside for tea, coffee and cards. I was busy getting tea, saying bye to those leaving early- so I wasn't a very good phase 10 player. I was playing with Cali, FTF, All-American (really, he is- air-force academy and all!) and Steps (she walks about 700 steps down one mountain and up another to get to school).
I have had a hard time getting to know Steps. She thinks I am "DTS" because I graduated from there (and for her that is a bad thing). She has a very particular view of theology - and seems to like being right. I can't really knock her for that, because when I was her age I was the same way. I think she thinks of me as competition for friends (which is funny because I am not sure that I "fit" with any of her friends.) Anyway, she was playing last night and I was scattered. So, after 3 "phases" I was the only one who hadn't even passed the first phase! So, I was complaining and whining. I said something like "i should just quit- I am never going to win! I am the only one still on phase 1!!!" And she turned to me and said "the whining must stop right now. No more!"
I was mad. I mean, it wasn't like I was really whining! And on top of that- didn't I deserve a bit of whining! I had been serving all of them all night- I mean COME ON!!!!! And then I was hurt, because i knew that she was right. And then I started thinking about how she fits better with the crowd at my house then I do. I mean, she is more "stereotypical" Church than I am. And that turned into a massive comparison fest- which at times I was winning and beating her to a pulp! and at others I was on in the depths of the Dead Sea! I was exhausted, happy for a great party and yet crushed because of my comparison fest.
I grabbed my Bible (actually it is a translation of Matthew written in novel form- and I am loving reading it!) I was reading the sermon on the mount....always a kicker if I am comparing. The translation read: Don't worry about tomorrow, living faithfully today is enough work.
It hit me- I was just spending my time trying to figure out 1) how do I manipulate the situation so that I look better 2) how do I worship these people so that they like me 3) how do I prove my worth- aka that I am better than her 4) how do I make sure that I "fit" with those around me.....I wasn't thinking about living faithfully today.
I was in tears. I spent the rest of my tired energy confessing, and begging to be reminded to live faithfully.
When I was trying to decide what I was going to do after graduation- when I was thinking of PhD, life in the States (where I can find my place really well), or life overseas (where I can't communicate and just trying to buy lettuce turns into a production-getting disinfectant for the vegetables, don't know how to ask for it, forgot to have my lettuce weighed, etc.etc.)
Anyway- I was struggling, trying to decide what to do. And one of my close friends was preaching on Rom. He was talking about how God asks us to live faithfully- no matter what we do, that is the task.
So, here I am, months later and still struggling to live faithfully - to live a life of love, grace, hope and faith. To live as if I have (and I have) been redeemed by the cross and resurrection and coming return of Christ. To live faithfully.
Today, not worried about tomorrow- live faithfully today! Oh, may it be so!

party

well, I had a great party- about 12 people came and then 5 more kids! The Mexican family came (and we had tacos and they were very happy!) We ate and played cards- and had ice cream (even had a "mystery flavor" of Zatar, which is an Arabic spice made up of mostly oregano and not very good in Ice cream! but it was great for laughs!)
It was a fun party and I was able to share with everyone the joy of having experienced God's grace in the gift of the house! I think everybody had fun and I am looking forward to sharing the house in as many ways as possible!
I am exhausted now, and have a dirty house and a day full of homework ahead of me!

can't make up my mind

One minute I am thinking that I wish the arabic school was in Beirut, or even Al Ain (because at least then I know my way around) and then I hear popping out side of my window and go out to my porch on a beautiful night and see an incredible display of fireworks- watch out D.C. Amman has some pretty cool stuff!! I love fireworks- the smoke, the sound, the "scary bits" that fall on the buildings, the display of color on the black sky- and they are just so unexpected. People here say I will get sick of them, but I can't imagine getting sick of something like Fireworks!!!
I am a little overwhelmed today- I have a TON of homework and no matter how ready I am for class, it always seems that I am behind. I mean, today I was already to go- and then within 20 min. of class we had 20 more words to learn, a new grammar rule and 3 new sentences to learn! So, I was behind before we even had our first break!!!
So, I am in the weeds- and realizing that even if I "master" all that I have so far, I will still be in the weeds tomorrow! And this is going to go on for the next......YIKES!!!! I guess I am going to have to get used to being slow and behind.
At least we are having fun in class, laughing a lot (you should see me try to roll my "r"!!! It is funny!!!)
So, overall it has been a good day...and tomorrow is my "house warming" party- so that should be fun!

grace

You gotta love it! Grace, it comes as a surprise every time- you think I would get it through my thick skull....but no! So, last night I was ANGRY at the taxi driver- partly because he was a bad man, partly because he was trying to cheat me, partly because the last time I was in a dark street with a bad Arab man I was "molested," partly because I was exhausted, and mostly because I am a sinner and didn't want to love him. So, I got up this morning still mad at Arab men and all men in general- as I walked to the place to catch a bus, I prayed that God would help me love even the Arab men. I got to the "circle" and started asking this man about the bus schedule (remember, this is all in Arabic- so it goes something like this: sir, is this the bus to the 3rd circle? No, it is not. another bus- sir, is this the bus to the 3rd circle? No, it is not.) After a few of these annoying questions, he asks me where I am going. I tell him that I need to go to school at 1st circle. He tells me that he works at 1st circle and we can share a taxi. So, I hop in and he sits in the front - to first circle we go! I am feeling good (because this means that I don't have to deal with a bus load of Arab men!) When we get to 1st circle, I go to pay. The man will not take my money- he says it is his gift to welcome me to Jordan. Knowing a bit about the culture, I know that he has to say this, so I offer again. And then as we walk down the street, I offer again. Still, he will not take my money. He wishes me a good day and off I go to class.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!! All in 12 hours I was screamed at and given a gift- even though my attitude toward them hadn't really changed. GRACE! And then this afternoon I was reading in Matthew- the geneolgy. And I was reminded again of the grace given to Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba and Tamar- all "undeserving" women who were given grace. These women made the geneology of Christ, not because of their works- but because of grace.
So, after class I came home, piddled a bit and then met some friends to study. We studied for a while and then played cards and laughed - a ton.
I have officially named the house- it is "izzree9a ilgaaz" (pronounced: iz- ree- ah il- gaz) it means "gas planet" (because in class when I get lost and don't understand what is going on I say "I am on planet 24," so my classmates thought my house name should reflect this!) We named Freakishly Tall Filipino's house (the asteroid) and Cali and Northy's house as well (launch pad) So, I have influenced all of them to join the madness! There were TONS of laughs as we came up with these names....lots of fun!!!
Well, I still have lots of homework to do...more laughs I am sure tomorrow!

new house

Ok- so I put up some pictures of the new house- it is great! The only problem is that taxis have NO clue where it is - and the taxi guy tried to cheat me....things like that are so frustrating!!!! I can't explain to you how frustrating it is to be standing at your curb with 3 huge bags of things for your new house and be told that the taxi ride that should have cost somewhere between 75 cents to 1 dollar "really" costs 7 bucks!!!!! And all you can do is get out and say - no, here is the money that the meter says I owe you. And the taxi driver is screaming at you and you are walking away. MAN that is frustrating!!!
I hope that as the days go by I will be abe to better explain how to get to my house and avoid such situations.
I am really excited to be "unpacked" for the first time since I left Dallas. I have my bedroom in order and I love my house. It will be fun to have the place to myself for a while- and then a friend will join me in Jan.
I have an incredible garden area- so I am throwing myself a "housing warming" party on Thursday- complete with homemade icecream (L has a ice cream freezer that I will be using!- L saves the day - again!)
So, I have a ton of homework and I have been "moving in" all day and haven't even looked at it- so I must go....check out the pictures of the new house, sorry there are no yard pictures- it was too dark, I will try to get them tomorrow!

friends

I have been hanging out with some really fun people lately- there is "Dutch Boy" who is here studying Arabic with me. He is funny and completely random sometimes (like when he got us invited out with a "Salsa Dancing for Peace" couple because he plays the organ!) but is fun and has lots of space for people who are different from him.
Then there is the "Freakishly tall Filipino" who is 19 and fresh into life. She is lots of fun, but young and full of questions. The great thing is that she likes to be with people, so I have someone to play with.
There is "Northy" and "Cali" who are here getting college credit. Northy is only 20 but Cali is older and has been in the military, I think, and has lived in the Middle East for over a year. He is in my class and has incredible Arabic (so, that means that I have to fight back the instinct to compete with him all the time!) These guys are really cool and have been fun to get to know.
of course there is L, the best and most gracious girl in Jordan who has allowed me to crash at her place for 3 weeks....
I move into "my" place tomorrow- trying to decide what to call it...I think I should name it so that I can have fun conversations about the fun that happens...so if you have any suggestions, let me know!
I will write more tomorrow, and maybe even post some pictures of the "bayt jidiid" (new house) so everyone can see!