Words

I have been thinking lately about words. (I think it is because I work out of my car as a nanny - and due to the fact that someone else decided that they needed my stereo enough to break my window and steal it- I have no music to distract my thoughts) I have been thinking about how limited they are. I mean it is not like the sounds of the letters "l," "v," and "u" could ever really encapsulate the enormous idea of "luv." (Or the fact that you understood what I was talking about even though I didn't spell it right)
I was thinking today that letters are like bits of steal that we shape and turn and connect - sometimes with much pain- into a vessel that carries our idea. These bits of steal are all we have to tell someone else of our idea. And then, in talking to others, we realize that they have shaped their bits of steal differently. We talk and look at their configuration. And then sometimes we rearrange our bits of steal to be able to accommodate their understanding too. Other times we restrict our bits of steal, taking them apart and putting them back together to make sure only some things can be carried. It is this construction and re-construction that is conversation and learning.
But then, there are bits of steal that we use to try to hold ideas that are too big to cage. Ideas like death and pain. These ideas seem to blow the steal cages into bits again. No cage can hold them. But these ideas are in our experience. We at least have some experience with them. We have carefully constructed our understanding of these ideas and have painstakingly placed our bits of steal together to carry these ideas.
But even more baffling than that are the bits of steal that we use to try to convey the concept of grace. Simple letters tied together trying to attempt a definition, an understanding, a characteristic of the Infinite. It seems to me that no matter how I construct my bits of steal, they are never going to restrict the concept of Grace. It seems to seep through every crack, through every door and window. It pushes against the roof and supplies so much pressure that the floor begins to collapse. It seems that even my experience with grace only touches on the actual concept. As if I understand only a drop of the ocean, and yet know that the ocean is there calling me to its depths.
Yes, I only have bits of steal - but I see that sometimes I need something more. I need a picture, a metaphor, a breath taking landscape, a hug, tears, a great movie, a song - all of these and more to express even the beginnings of an idea of "grace."

girls night

so, last night I went to a girls night for my church. We sat around and played a game called Keeno (it is like poker and bingo mixed into one- and I was the ONLY one who did not win at least once!) Anyway, we were sitting around and it became obvious that I was the only one who was not married when the conversation turned to birth control and periods. No big deal, I am used to being single among married people. Then it became apparent that all the ladies had children except 2, me and one other married lady. Then, high school comes up and they can all tell you about life in high school and friends that they shared - because, yes they are all from Dallas and went to school with each other.
In the midst of all of this I am laughing really hard with some new girls (who are married to brothers, so they are really close) but we are cutting up, making up accents and such and just laughing! It was great!
But, then the conversation takes a turn to a guy that they know that needs to get married. BUt they totally forget I am single and move on to finding a girl for him - but not me of course. Normally I would have been grateful for this oversight, but last night I needed some connection with these ladies- even if it was just meat for the eligible men they know! I was crushed! I immediately felt my worth leak out of me and puddle in the floor. I kept up the charade that I was still there in tact- but I knew better.
In the car on the way home, tears began to well and then fall freely. I cried out to God in my pain - my loneliness. I realized that my tendency to worship people was driving my need for "connection" aka lifeboat- redemption options. I confessed to the Lord that I was looking for other ways to stay in the lifeboat other than grace.
I know that I don't want to marry someone and live in Dallas. I know that I don't want to be the kind of girl that has to say "what happened here, stays here - no one needs to know I said 'boobie!'" (I have said way worse tonight!!!) And I know that I don't want to be married and thinking about kids right now. I know that God has not made the miracle of meeting the man that can handle me happen yet. And I know that God is good. I know that He is not withholding because I am not doing something right or need to stop doing something wrong. I know that He is gracious in all things. I was able to laugh, to enjoy life, to play and have fun - all by means of His grace. I was able to recognize my sin, repent and receive forgiveness- again all because of His grace! I was able to breathe, to drink and talk- all because of His grace.
It is amazing how quickly I try to save myself- and amazing al the pain that it causes......and yet I never seem to learn!

wacked thinking

I have been thinking lately - a lot. I always think a lot so this is nothing new. But I have been thinking about some ideas that were presented to me this week. At common grace ( a mentoring program- for lack of a better word), we were talking about what it means to be a product of the curse. We talked about how our mind, will and emotions now seem to be broken - unable to function as they were created to function. As we started talking about this, we talked about the created function of the mind, will and emotions. We decided that the mind's job is to perceive truth. But because of the fall, we are now unable to do this. So, instead of being able to perceive the truth that we are loved, children of God, we see ourselves still as people who have to somehow earn their salvation and this ends up being a "lifeboat."
I have been mulling this over and I am beginnning to see it as true in my life. I see things crazy. A fun evening with friends becomes a competition to see who is most likely to be "picked" by a guy, a classroom (a place of learning) becomes a place of showing how I know everything, my belongings become my idenity, and I could go on and on. It is as if the very reality I see is a mirage - one made up for me to compete for my salvation. A reality where God is primarily against me and I have to win His favor. A reality where I am constantly working to stay in the life boat.
This is so far from true that it is scary that I can believe it. It is as if I am schitzo or something. I know that God is good, that He loves me first - and that is the only reason that I can love Him. I know that I am His child and that I have His favor......but I act as if none of this is true. So, maybe I am cursed. And maybe I do need the Spirit to show me how to think - to show me reality - and give me the courage to live there.

easy to say

That is easy to say- no other plan. I mean, in some settings it might even sound pathetic. It might mean that you can't get your life together enough to make a plan, or that no one wants to hang out with you so you don't have plans, or it may mean that you are so eager to spend time with that one person, that you have no other plans with anyone else.
I am learning that I have lots of other plans. I think that I can live my life and somehow save myself. Somehow earn grace, somehow make myself righteous. I am seeing that I try all different things throughout the day to make this lie a reality. I try to make people my idols and worship them for acceptance. I make food my shelter, running to my belly for security - as if I was full then my life would be full as well. I run away to movies, ideas and books - acting as if someone else's reality will somehow make it easier for me to live mine.
I am realizing that lots of "cracked thinking" goes into all of these lifeboats, but they are all a result of me being cracked - to my very core. I know that I need to worship, I need to be loved, I need to be accepted. But something in my cursed soul refuses to believe that I need to worship God, that He loves me fully and that I have been accepted as His child.
So, I think that I am now on a life long quest to have no other plan. To put all my eggs in this basket called the Gospel. To have faith in the One who made heaven and earth and strip away all else. To know God as good and faithful. To trust Him fully.
I want no other plan.