reflections from a busy week

I had no idea that I would be this busy my last week in country. It seems that everyone is realizing that the long days of studying at a coffee shop and then eating Arabic food, walking around shopping for anything in the Balad, and the laughs and fun as we meet up at each other's houses- all of this will be ending for the summer, and for some of us- forever (or at least the foreseeable future). So, we have been hanging out at every possible moment. Parties have sprung up at least 4 nights this week :) and in addition to all of that we have had to get things ready to go- buy gifts, pack and re-pack my bags (which are in 2 places, so I was packing yet again in the "garage" this time, in a basement storage area - yick! i hope this is not a trend!) And then last minute buys in the Balad, goodbyes to a great family that has taken interest in me, and today- movie and party...tomorrow, church and party and then..the last few days to get everything in order.
It has been a crazy week- but weirdly enough, it has been a week of reflection. This isn't always good. Sometimes as I look back on my year, I compare it to others and get a fake salvation dervied of my own brain. But this week has also been mingled with true reflection. Listening to things that I need to change, repenting and taking steps to fix them.
I also read this book on forgiveness- and there was this line about the church being a place where you "celebrate forgiveness" It was such a beautiful picture to me of how we as a Body are not to be people that act as if we have got it down, understand redemption and now have it totally, never failing in any way. no, we are a community of people who are broken, healing and breaking again- and sometimes breaking other people in the process- and we are to be a place that celebrates forgiveness.

changes

this week has been on of facing changes. My old room-mate decided to go to back to the States for good, I finished Arabic and I am thinking about the summer and coming back- all riddled with changes. I have found a new room-mate (I think) and I have decided what gifts to buy, what to take back with me- now just to decide what I will be doing for the summer!
I know that the next few months will be changes and fun - so I am just trying to get ready for them!

good friends

this week has been a week of randomly catching up with good friends. I got two emails this week- one from a friend in NZ and the other from a friend in LA. It was great to hear from them, and to be reminded of how God has placed meaningful people in my life at every stage. These friends are friends from DTS and I remember the days and nights and laughs and chats and good times we shared. It was such a time of growth for me and I feel totally blessed that God gave me these girls to walk with on that leg of the journey..and even now. I was so encouraged and loved catching up with them and I was reminded of how wonderful it is to be in the Body! It was great to have sisters in Christ, trying to follow Him in very different places in their lives (and in the world) but we are united in our love for Jesus and our gratefulness to Him for our friendship!

language?

Well, I got my language assessment back yesterday. There are 10 levels- 1 being not so much and 10 being I can talk about everything for hours! i scored somewhere between a 5-7. That is, i consistently scored a 5 and got up to level 7 as I was talking. The peopel scoring the test thought that I was probably a 6 over all. So....that is not bad after a year- and it means that I have to conquer the vocabulary beast once more next year!!!!

really no plan b?

I have been struck with my attempts to redeem myself lately. The most blaring was tonight where we (me and 7 other singles from my church) headed over to the pastor's house to eat and play games. It was a great night...but I found myself immediately vying for position in the group- sizing up the girls to see if I had competition (for what???) and then the boys. I didn't think about living in grace- I thought about proving myself, making my mark. Why do I do this??????
I left wondering if I did enough, if I impressed them enough, if I saved myself by being cool enough.....this is a miserable way to live.
I thought back to a place where I heard people laughing loudly with no thought of what it sounded like...where people cried freely, where people were free! And I knew that I blew a chance to carve out a little space for grace tonight. Instead I filled it with comparison and competition. I missed my chance to be free in the redemption that comes from Christ alone, not how well I impress a group of strangers. I fell back into plan b- redemption by self.
YICK

"these incomplete times"

I can across this line yesterday in Les Mes. It said something like these are the symptoms of "the incomplete times we find ourselves in." I thought this was a great line describing the life we lead this side of the resurrection but still waiting for the return...an incomplete time when we know what things should be like and we are waiting for them to be completed.
I then came "home" to find out that the issues in Lebanon have finally come to a head. There is fighting and my favorite part of town is once again the dividing line between the 2 factions- my favorite street where I spent many a day at Starbucks is now in opposition control.
For some reason, the issues in Lebanon continue to break my heart more and more. I wept this morning as I watched coverage of a Lebanese mom and her child trying to avoid gunfire. The kid smiled when he saw the camera and started goofing off- only to be interrupted by terrible gunfire and he began to scream, totally petrified. his mother was weeping...knowing that the protection she wanted to offer her child was really just an allusion in this kind of conflict.
And today, all I can think is...these incomplete times, these incomplete times....come complete them Jesus!

finishing up

I am officially done with 3rd semester!!!!! YEAH!!!!! I have worked hard- really hard- on my Arabic and it is nice to finally feel some accomplishment. Not that finishing a book makes you speak Arabic by any means, but there is some sense of progress to being out of books and into conversational Arabic only. We also finished our written Arabic book (which some people don't finish, even in 4th semester) and we are on to the next book. It is a lot more vocabulary (something that I am pretty sure I have hit saturation point with - I don't think that any vocab will even seep into the cracks of this full brain right now!)
but along with finishing up this year of really hard study, there is a time of reflection and evaluation. And because I am studying language, the only way to evaluate is to compare. And this is really awful! Because it means that I can pick who I want to compare myself with and always end up on top. It seems that I use comparison as my favorite past time to make me better than everyone else - yick!!!
So, I am trying to compare myself to native speakers so that I will see the need for more study and at the same time rejoice in my progress without getting boastful- oh, the trials of living in the curse!

another great blog

but not from me! Today at the mission posted anther great blog on life,hope and being born again.
"All of creation groans as it awaits redemption and I believe - to the soles of my feet believe - that this redemption will come. I have hope, true hope, that there is a welcoming light and love beyond this life and in that hope - and for that hope - I live, seeking to drape it like a comforting shawl over the shoulders of others, seeking to draw others into that light. This is no small part of what it means, I believe, to be born again: that in all of our weakness and failings, in all of our brokenness and pain we become the carriers of hope, the birthing mothers of hope, the womb of redemption, the nursery of restoration. We become hope."
need I say more?

song that has been running through my head

There is this great Rich Mullins song that has been running through my head the last few days. It is a great song about the motivation and purpose of our life...the love of God. I remember that Amy Carmichael's life motto was "love to live, live to love" and I have certainly tried to adopt it as mine too. But this song makes me tear up as I think about how much loving tears apart the flesh, how it makes me vulnerable to betrayal, how it gives me friends that are closer than family (and how it might take those friends away). It isn't boxed, it isn't just given to those who kneel...it is flung to the farthest reaches in the beauty of this world and it cuts me to my core as all selfishness is burned in it's path. The Love of God is not this hallmark card of good wishes- it is a raging fury that catches me and hurls me forward into yet more love.

There's a wideness in God's mercy
I cannot find in my own
And He keeps His fire burning
To melt this heart of stone
Keeps me aching with a yearning
Keeps me glad to have been caught
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

Now I've seen no band of angels
But I've heard the soldiers' songs
Love hangs over them like a banner
Love within them leads them on
To the battle on the journey
And it's never gonna stop
Ever widening their mercies
And the fury of His love

Oh the love of God
And oh, the love of God
The love of God

Joy and sorrow are this ocean
And in their every ebb and flow
Now the Lord a door has opened
That all Hell could never close
Here I'm tested and made worthy
Tossed about but lifted up
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

day with friends

Yesterday I ended up spending the day with friends- it went from tutoring to a B-day party to a movie...it was a 2-3 hour deal that turned into an all day affair. It was really fun to just "be" with people that I normally see everyday but rarely get to "hang out" with them. We ended up watching "pan's Labyrinth" It is this slightly creepy, really intense fairy tale set in Spain during the civil war. It is all in spanish, I think that adds to the creepiness of it in some way. Anyway, it is a great story about beauty in the midst of real ugliness and life out of death. I can't tell you too much- this is definitely one that you want to watch and enjoy, not read the spoilers! It was a great reminder of the story of Redemption we have in the Cross, Resurrection and Return of Christ.
I had a pretty slow day today- tutoring and then a bit of house cleaning and such...now I am just hanging out in "my" house catching up on emails, blogs and such. Hard to believe that I have just a month left before my summer break! part of me can't wait- the other part thinks that my arabic is really going to suffer after all the time I have speaking English!

counting down

I have finally reached a place where I can say i have "18 lessons" left. It is a nice feeling knowing that this endless study and constant pressure to review vocabulary will at some point end (or at least I will get a break).
This week has been a good one- lots of hanging out with friends, lots of Arabic and lots of coffee. (I have become a huge fan of coffee, even drink it black!)
So, it has been a good week. I hope to take some pictures today and get them on the web...but the internet connection is sketchy so that might not happen today- I will confirm when they are up