favorite pastime

I know that it is our favorite pastime all the world over, but I have found myself enjoying hours of comparison yet again. I sit in class and think "I said that better than he did!" or "I don't know my vocabulary as well as he does." I go to the mall and think "am I fitting in as well as everybody else?" or "I wonder if I speak arabic as well as others in my class" it seems to never end. I am always assessing whether or not I am securely on the life boat or in danger of being shoved off. It seems that I forget so easily that I am saved by grace alone and drop into the depths of self-worship as I try to redeem myself.
I can remember sitting in the back of the Land Cruiser in Boise and singing with the boys "redeem us oh Lord our God!" and I have been looking into grace and Gal. 4 speaks so clearly- He came to redeem us, so that we will no longer be slaves but now are children, and if children then heirs with Him!
It is amazing how the story of grace changes everything- how being redeemed by grace alone turns my eyes off of myself- it allows me to love instead of compare...... I only hope that I am growing in this, that the Spirit is transforming me - changing my favorite pastime to loving instead of comparing!!!

I took some pictures today- so check them out, I hope there will be more tomorrow.

life

I feel as if I have settled into "life" here- but this will change next week when I move into "my" house. amazingly, I have been able to get out of bed at 6:55 every morning! I guess I really do want to learn arabic! :) I have gotten used to the homework, the mounds of vocabulary- and today, I got into a taxi and told him all about my family in the states, that I was moving soon and that I was staying with a friend here in Amman: all in Arabic! It took a lot of mistakes, a few misunderstandings- but I got it! So, I guess I am learning! I now know most of my colors and a lot of fruits and vegatables, but if I continue at this pace I think I will fry my brain!
I am finidng a few good friends- a few that I know I will really "click" with.
I am hoping for some people to practice language with- hopefully there will be children or families in my new neighborhood that are Jordanian and speak the same dialect that I am learning.
It has been fun to watch Ps. 23 take shape before my eyes- the Lord is my shepherd and so I lack nothing! Goodness and Mercy have been my shadows this week, I can see them in the endurance to study, the friends at school, the Dr. Pepper I found at the mall, the fan in my room keeping me cool right now, the emails from friends back home, my house, L's hospitality- I can see them everywhere.
well, I am tired because after a full day of class, I came home and hung out for a while and then went to supper with friends- then we went back to their place and played games. It is 11:30 pm and I have been up since 7- but I get to sleep in tomorrow!!!

housing

so, I have housing - free- for not only this year, but maybe for next as well! Yes- can you believe it!!! I went to the house and it is incredible!!! It has the coolest "garden" - a patio with fig trees and grape vines and other trees :) and then there is a huge kitchen, 2 bathrooms, two living areas, and 2 bedrooms- one for me and one for my room- mate that is coming in Jan.
so I am thrilled with it and move in maybe as soon as this weekend!!! I am really excited- it will be good to get "settled" (since I have been transitioning since May 1st!) there are stores within walking distance, a mcdonald's close by and if I can get across the really busy street I can walk to Applebee's and Fudruckers!!! So, it will be a great place to live and I am thrilled at the genoraosity of those involved that have allowed me this great place.....I can't seem to be thankful enough!!!
Also today I found out that I can be in the choir at a nearby church as they prepare for their Messiah concert :) how fun would that be, to sing Handel's Messiah here in Amman!!! :)
I am loving class- learning lots!!! I have about 60 words to memorize before tomorrow :) so I can't write much now....but I will try to really write something tomorrow.
I am really loving it here so far, made some great friends and loving learning more and more!
I will get pictures up soon- I haven't had time to really take any, I will try to fix that soon!

Story

I first have to say- I feel so much better- like a human again :) I have been feeling well for over 24 hours now, so I think I made it!!!! It was awful at times, even worse at others- but overall it was ok....and now I feel like I can be "me!"
I even went to church today- I went to International church last night (in English) and then to Arabic church this morning (Arabic translated at times for those of us who, and I quote "don't speak the heavenly language" (aka: Arabic!) I have fallen in love with this Arabic church....both last week and this week have been incredible!!!!
Today, the pastor spoke on legalism and grace from the book of Leviticus. Anyone who knows me knows that I have become a big fan of grace- but today I heard it in a new way. The pastor told a story at the end of his sermon that asked us to live a better story- a story of grace. He talked about how grace allows us to love our neighbor as more important than ourselves, love our enemies, give to the poor- it is the best story in the world (and yet I live the story of "save Katy" or "make things better for katy" etc.) I was in tears as I thought of the story that God has allowed me to be a character in
On the way home, we decided to walk. The sidewalks here are bumpy to say the least- most of them are "tile" in some fashion...some with "tread" for when it gets wet (the hills are pretty steep and apparently pretty slippery without the tread) ANYWAY- as I was walking home, I was checking out the new olives on the "bush" on the side of the road and I tripped. Then I fell- pretty much busted! The horns of the cars going by started honking, people with me hid their laughter and asked the required "are you ok?" and then started smiling- and I thought, oh great! I can't even walk....and then I remembered, grace says that I am not saved by what I do!!!! So, I said "I am ok....good thing I am saved by grace, because apparently I can't even walk!" and we all laughed!!! :) - (I am ok, by the way)
so, I am just sitting here reflecting on how wonderfully weird it is that grace frees us from our doing. It is so abnormal, everything seems to be on a "works based" system- having one that is not seems to so wrong in some way. But it is fun to explore the edges, to see how great it is to be saved by something outside of myself.

yes, I read the comments

Yes, Josh- I read the comments :) and thanks for all of those who are writing notes to let me know you are reading! It is great fun to see you on this journey with me!
The last few days have been "lay around the house sick" days. I think I feel better, and then I get worse, better and then worse- so I had to skip class today because I had a really bad night but I am doing a lot better now. I don't have much "insight" or "wisdom" to give today- except being sick is for the birds! :)

overwhelmed

I am a bit overwhelmed- but not in the "ordinary" way. I went to class today and it was HOT (did I mention that there is no A/C in the class rooms, so we have 10 people crammed into a small room with only one fan...so on hot days, it is HOT!) And because I had not been feeling well, I hadn't really been eating...so the energy was low.
We had a great class, with great teachers- and I have about 2 notebook pages of vocab to learn! Good thing I don't have class tomorrow!
Then I came home and took a short nap- and had to run out to a meeting of people without a company. I wasn't looking forward to it- and I had to bring desert, which I was seeing as another headache. I got up from my nap and L had made brownies for me to take!!!! I was blown away- she has been so giving and it seems to never stop!
Then, at the meeting I met some really cool people. We got into small groups and chatted, and then we sang worship songs. It was so much fun to sing with people from all over the world (Korea, Cananda, Mexico, Switzerland, the Carribean and US!!!) We sang and then one of our Mexican brothers prayed. He just said how thankful he was....and I started crying. I was overwhelmed by the grace that brought me here. The grace that allowed me to get through the day (hot and stomach issues aren't a good combination....and when I got to school today I found out that there is a Salmonella outbreak here in the kingdom...not fun news when you have been having issues!) But I was just overwhelmed by the grace of our God- when He takes us places I never dreamed!!!!
Then, we had supper- and we laughed and laughed. We (a couple of Americans, the Canadian and a few others) were ranking "all- time best male movies star" and apparently the guys think that Gene Kelly is above Denzel Washington...and John Wayne won the number one spot!!!! So, lots of laughs there. It was great!
It has been a long time since I ave just hung out with new friends and laughed that much- it was great! Another evidence of God's amazing grace!
I can't say it enough how incredible I feel that I have been given this opportunity: that people have decided to give me money so I can study, that J has given me a hope that is beyond amazing= that all things will be made right! And that in the mean time, He has allowed me to be apart of His family telling others of the incredible grace given to us!!!!
Thank you seems so weak!!!

Officially a student -- again!

I had school today. it was great fun! I learned a lot, wasn't the dumbest in class :) and met some people.
I have three classes a day. The first is at 8:10. Then at 9:20 we have a 10 min. break until our next class begins. Then after the hour class we have a 30 min break at 10:30-11:00. We have tea and nescafe (instant coffee), hummus, bread, tomatoes, etc. Then we have our last class until 12.
I have 9 people in my class. 3 women, and 6 men. They are from all over- 3 from Korea, one from Mexico, then the rest of us (5) are from all over the states- Chicago, Iowa, Ohio, Arizona and me!!!
So, it is a varied group.
I "got into" the all arabic class- a.k.a little to no english explanations. I don't think there was a big rush to get into the class. It was designed for people who don't speak english...but we got in because it wasn't full.
I am really glad- it is a great class and I came home with 50 vocabulary words to learn by tomorrow! So, the pace is fast and won't let me get bored!!!!
So, after class, I went to the "british council." I am not really sure what it is, but it is close to school and it has a great "garden area." I got a drink for 5o cents and got to sit under some trees and look at my vocabulary. L (the lady I am staying with) got out of class at 1 and then we went to lunch. After lunch, I came home and crashed (my stomach has been acting up and I wanted a nap!) Then after a bit of rest, I got up and hit the vocab! So, I think I am almost ready for class tomorrow, so I will watch a bit of TV with L and then go to sleep!
Tomorrow up at 6:30 so that I can catch a taxi and make it to class on time!

school starts tomorrow

you could feel it in the air- the last gasps of freedom, the last digs into laziness, the last of the "free time" being spent....because school starts tomorrow- and with it comes confusion, homework, time gone out of the day, a schedule that can't be manipulated....grown-up life :)
So, today we got up and did things around the house to get ready for tomorrow (washed clothes, organized things, etc.) and then took off to our version of Walmart to get some things. We stopped for lunch and I had the best Middle Eastern meal yet! It was some yummy shish tawouk and hummus!!! You will have to come try it!
When we got back I tackled the finances to make sure that I have logged the money I have spent, and haven't lost anything in the new exchange rate. (it is weird living in a place that has currency worth more than the US dollar...it makes me feel like I am spending way more than I am!) Then, I called home (had to deal with finance stuff in the states- I have a great Mom who does so much of that for me!!!!)
We made fajitas and had a friend over...and then drank every last drop of "no homework" as we watched tv. Now, I am trying to be tired - I know that I have to wake up @ 6:30 tomorrow morning- but I am still on "stay up late and sleep 'till 9 or...." schedule, so sleeping will be hard.
I am excited and scared about school- I am excited because I have wanted to do this for 4 years now! But scared because I am not sure I can do it well- and I hate to fail :) especially at something I want badly! It is such a scary thing to test your identity like this - laying it all on the line, knowing that no matter what (success or failure) it won't change anything! And really trying to live like that! tonight the song in my head (and on my ipod on repeat as I try to fall asleep) - "if I stand, let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through- and if I can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You."
so, I sleep tonight in great anticipation.....

Life

It seems that we are all gearing up for "life" here- that is, a "normal" schedule, seeing people in our neighborhood, seeing friends occasionally not all day every day.
Today, after al "long lie" as the Brits say (I slept in!) We got up and ran off to a stationary store (because it closes for lunch) and then made our way down the busy street to the Lebnani Snack- a place to get Middle Eastern food. I had the most delicious lemonade with mint- it makes me smile just to think about it! And then some shish tawouk (a chicken dish). It was great. Then, we came home and hung out. I talked to mom and dad finally (my fault, not their's) and then we took off to the neighbor's house.
We walk in and this little, old Iraqi women gets a huge smile on her face because she sees my friend. They invite us in. Immediately they begin to serve us- first juice, then apples, then figs, then cucumbers. I am sure if we hadn't left they would of served us food all night. They insisted that we eat and drink. It was fun to be back in a local house, with arabic all around- and I made out about 20% of what was going on. :)
Then we went and got a bite to eat and were going to see a movie- but the schedule was bad, so we came home and watched one at the house.
It has been a good day with just the right amount of "stuff" so that I wasn't bored, and yet I wasn't too busy either.
I have been asked a lot if I like this place- and you know, I really do. I really like being here. I have remembered why I have come- to be able to sit and hear the stories of these people and to be able to share my story too- and I know I have to speak Arabic to do that....
So, yes, I like it here-

I hope they don't read this

I don't want to be mean, but I might come across as that in this blog- so sorry if you are one of the ones I am talking about. Today we went to arabic church- and it was great. I actually loved it better than international church. I will look for a church that beleives in practicing the eucharist more often, but if I can't find one of those- I will certainly be joining the one I visted today. Then we got in the car and took off to lunch- I am the youngest one of the bunch, and most of the girls I was with have been in the Middle East for a while- enough time to really hate it here.
I know that I am still enamoured with everything. I know that things will get on my nerves and that I will want things from the States- but it seems that some of these ladies have forgotten what it means to give grace. (mind you it is not all of them, and not all of the time) There seems to be negative comments, stabs at the culture and people, and longings for "home" way to much for my taste.
(we got in a conversation about socialized medicine- all of them against, me for- and it was really interesting)
But I realized that at times I feel odd when I am with them. I don't know if it is because some of them are negative, or if it is because I have a different perspective- but I am seeing the differences pop out and I just wonder.
Then, after lunch, we all went home- I got a "sunday afternoon nap" and then hung out with Lynne. It was great, we watched TV, ate home made pizza and chatted about life, all I have learned since the last time she saw me, all that she has learned, school, life here and dreams for the future. It was a great time and I am so glad that she has allowed me to stay with her- I will hate having to leave in a few weeks when I get my own place :) (not that I will be living by myself, but that I won't be a houseguest anymore and will have a place that is "mine" in some sense)
So, all in all it was a good day- fun to learn about myself, others and to just hang out with a good friend.

have you heard....

I have too much to say- so this blog is just going to be ramblings---
I was listening to my 2nd favorite podcast last night- Radio Lab. For those of you who don't listen, it is these two guys tackling science questions in a fun and interesting way. This week's "lesson" was on the science of emergence- or the idea that the group is smarter than the individual. They told cool stories about lightning bugs in Thailand all blinking in unison- like a blinking Christmas tree all through the jungle. They also talked about how ants "work" - individually they are stupid, but collectively they are incredible engineers, scanvengers, hunters, etc. They also told about this science experiement where they put an ox in front of a whole village and asked everyone to guess how much it weighed. No one got it right- but if you gave the mean of the whole group that guessed, they were only 1 pound off!!! INCREDIBLE!!!
Ok- so that is the background. I just sat there listening to these stories, of how clearly there is a "system" that we all seem to fall into- but no one can explain. There is a way we work together that makes things better- but individually no one can see it. There are times when we seem to be doing out own thing, but in reality we are working to a greater good that is completely invisible to us. And all of these stories just made me think- WOW, what a cool God. He is working everything...and let's us think that we are important on some level!
It also made me think of how the Body of Christ works- individually coming together for something bigger than any of us. I think of how we fall into what God has grown in us, how He seems to prepare our hearts for the things in front of us- and how when we walk together things that are incredible happen.
It also reminds me that we have to see others as important. I can't live as if only my life matters- because the people around me are in this "system" too...and I don't know what role they play. So, I have to think of them as more important than myself- I have to swear allegiance to nothing but the Gospel- I have to see the goal as the Kingdom and see that God is working through the group as well as the individual. And, I have to give some props to those around me because they might just make me smarter :)

tired

Today was REALLY busy- I went to school and registered, then went shopping in various places all ending at the "Ballad" which is the old city- sorry no pictures today. We then went to Applebee's for lunch and then to the mall. We got back to the house for an hour of rest, but we had guests waiting for us - Americans in the city for the weekend. Then we went to an international church and then out for Chinese.
SO- it has been non-stop all day! It has been great to get out in the city and see the people more...it has been great to hang out with people here.
I realize that people here haven't had my experiences- but I am amazed at how we walk over trash without picking it up, make fun of traffic laws, etc. etc. And I haven't really found anyone trying to love the city. So, I think I am going to carry around a trash bag to help with the incredible litter problem here. It would be a way for me to serve Amman, and to remind myself to love the people of the city....
we will see. I do need something to remind me of this- because it is easy to get caught up in the "not like home" syndrome here.
not on the subject- as I was sitting in church, they told the story of a family here from Korea that lost their 15 year old daughter at a local waterfall in a swimming accident. I was overcome with grief, thinking of the family trying to deal with this tragic loss. I even cried (I don't know the family, the girl and neither do any of my friends) and as I was wondering why it was such a big deal to me- I thought of Joy....and it hit me. I will never hear a story of unexpected death and not grieve- because I have seen what it feels like and it is awful!
Ok, so I am a bit scattered - no eloquent thoughts on life tonight.... just a list of thoughts from a busy day- all in all, I was reminded that I need Jesus to come back....so please, Jesus, come back soon!!!!!

belief or unbelief

tomorrow I register for classes!!!! Oh, yes! I am really excited - I haven't seen the school, the teachers, the area of the school or anything really- so I will get to see what I have got myself into tomorrow!!!
Today we went to an outdoor market and then to lunch at the mall. Then all the peeps here wanted to go to the brand new Fudruckers - so we had supper there. It has been a fun day, busy and full of minuture adventures -
I am in a weird spot- trying to get used to Amman, trying to make friends, wanting people to "get" me, trying to figure out what it means to register for classes here and not in Dallas, trying to live out my understanding of grace and truth and not trying to make myself worthy of love, just remembering that God is good and is really for me seems to be a full time job sometimes (and I am trying to figure out how to say "take a left" in Arabic too:) !!!)
So, today, as I sat in a few minutes of silence- I started saying the Creed- I believe in one God, Almighty, The Father- creator of heaven and earth...and had to stop. The immensity of those words- especially the "believe" bit- I mean, do I really? Do I live as I do? Can you tell by the way that I love that I know I have an Almighty Father?
Help my unbelief!!!!

Screeching Halt

There is a street about 1 block from "my house" (that is, the house of my friend that she is letting me stay in for a few days) - the street is very hilly, and one hill is very steep. (it is like the hill that goes down to the waterside at the Bremerton ferry- if you don't know what that is, it is steep- not something you would want to rollerblade!) People crest the hill and then start to speed down it- but at the bottom of the hill is a traffic light. I can tell when it goes to red, because the tires begin to squeal. All night long you hear the people try to stop. The road is slick with rubber and oil and traffic (because it doesn't rain in the summer and the streets just get layered with grease) Stopping can be quite the ordeal.
I feel like those cars today. I get here and immediately I start thinking about "doing" something. When is school going to start, who am I going to meet, what vocab can I learn, what can I do. Last night, I felt my heart come to a screeching halt- the tires wailing. I am not here to "do" I am here to "be." It is because the presence of God lives in me, that He (the Holy Spirit) has decided to promise me that He will indwell me until Christ returns, because in Christ, grace and truth have appeared, because I am nothing without grace- because of this, I just live. I don't have to "do" anything- I just do my best to live in the Spirit and watch what happens....
so, although I have "stopped" I am enjoying the ride- the excitement of things to come, things here, and even the tires squealing to remind me to rest in Him.

Ah the Middle East

It is great to be back in the Middle East. As I walk down the street to get a taxi, I am greeted with the fragrance of Jasmine floating through the air. The music in all the taxis makes me smile and think about all the dancing that would be taking place if we were at a party. The streets are lined with palm trees, the white marble/concrete/stone buildings are now brown with the dust that covers everything here. And of course, the stares- everyone looking to see who this crazy white girl is. (this will take some getting used to-but I know that I will.)
I have already used more arabic than I ever had to use in either the Emirates of Beirut- so, I am pretty sure I will be able to learn Arabic here in Amman.
There is still a lot up in the air, no official housing, the school schedule might be changing- but overall the details have fallen into place- so i am sure those will too.
I am still in "exhaustion mode" - I don't know if it is the Jet lag or the 4 mile run/walk I did last night - but I can barely think this morning....

I am here

No wordy blog today, no pontificating about the world's problems- just a note to say that I am in Jordan. I really like Amman so far- it is a great city. I went and ran around with my great friend and tour guide Lynne- we went and got a cell phone line, a cell phone, some lunch, found out where the grocery store is, etc. On the way back from the mall, there was this pile of rags that caught my eye. When I looked, I realized that it was some sort of shelter, and that there were about 5 more. The people were not around, but there horses were. I wanted to stop the taxi and run down the hill- but I couldn't. I knew that after a few minutes we wouldn't understand each other- and then, I remembered that I was here to learn Arabic...and I can't wait for classes to begin!

this is the right spot

I know I haven't blogged since April....that doesn't mean I won't- it simply means that I have been busy, wet, tired, or running for world domination- and I will get to it as soon as I can!