I woke up in a funk today- remnants from the last post. I decided that what I needed to do was have a "me" day (i.e. worship everything that makes me feel good) to get out of the said funk. But then, I thought about it and decided that the funk was good if it was making me think about my need for grace and went for a shawarma instead. While I sat in the beautiful sun and ate my shawarma, I listened to Pastor Rick. It was a sermon that he preached before Easter about losing our lives for the Gospel. I realized while listening to that podcast that one of the reasons I have been so "unhappy" learning Arabic is that I hate serving. I hate the behind the scenes, no one sees me, I am doing something mundane, serving. I mean, I love to clean the kitchen when there are people there to see me serving- but sreve when no one sees! NO WAY! As Pastor Rick talked about losing my life for the Gospel, taking up my cross (and not comparing which cross is the heaviest) tears began to flow (What I sight! A crying American listening to her ipod! :) I am sure I was getting tons of stares!) I realized that this serving I am doing- serving people I probably don't even know yet, serving them by honoring them enough to speak their language, serving them by learning who they are, what their culture is like and trying to think more like them as I learn to think in Arabic- this serving wasn't going to get me mentioned in the DTS magazine, this serving wasn't going to get me notoriety back in the US and this serving wasn't really going to ever bring me fame. I know that I could go back to the US and use the gifts I have and work hard and get fame in some circle. I know that at least a few people would think that I was awesome....but that is not what I have been asked to do. I have been asked to pick up my cross and lose my life for the Gospel. That means that I have to die to a lot of things...and I have to serve silently in the background for YEARS!! As I learn to say "I don't have a preference!" or other "normal" things in Arabic...I have to spend, to some, waste, my time here learning- all to serve.
So, I sat there and confessed- my pride, my selfishness, my desire to be known and famous, my idea that I know best where and what I should be doing, the idea that I deserve something better than Amman, the idea that my training has made me "better" than helping in a kindergarten, that serving was for people who don't have any other options, not really loving, and so much more....
I left that table with a new desire to learn arabic, to love the kids in the kindergarten, to help people learn English at the English center (where I will start teaching next week) To love God and really believe that He (and His glory) are worth giving my life for (even though I might be giving it in bits and pieces, as I study vocabulary or walk around with a kid at school or teach someone how to say" how are you")
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
remembering
WARNING: this blog contains real thoughts and feelings and may not be suitable for all readers.
This has been a crazy week...tons of homework, trying to get over my "vacation" whirlwind to Damascus and Beirut and then trying to move (or actually embark on the wandering lifestyle once again- 1 month stying with one friend, then 2 weeks somewhere else, then change again and then maybe change even again! I never thought I wanted a place of my own until now!!!) And then I have 3 tests this week and I am reminded of how my "do homework fast so I can play" mentality leaves a lot to be desired in my vocabulary retention!
But somewhere in the midst of this crazy week, I remembered a time when things were just as crazy (or maybe more?) And I was trying to say goodbye to a life in Dallas and my time of training there...but that time was so different. It made me really miss my friends at Common Grace- no, my family at CGM- and it made me think about how much I am still living what I learned there.
I am continually surprised at how easily I forget my need for grace. It is so weird to me because when I take the time to look, I see that everything is covered with this wonderful thing we call grace- but if I don't look...I just see me and my desires and my needs and my.....it is crazy how something so fundamental to my life can just be ignored- I guess it is like breathing. Don't notice it unless I pay attention- but without it I am dead.
I was thinking a lot about this today. I find myself in the midst of this culture that is so racist, so exterior centered, so works oriented and I see myself doubting whether or not grace really works. This is kind of scary to be writing- but it is true. I have felt a little lost and searching around for truth lately because there doesn't seem to be much room for the Gospel in my city- or neighborhood for that matter. And when you are trying to save the world, and you look back at 8 months in a place and you can't even see room for grace much less Grace- YIKES! It is pretty demoralizing. I have really been out of place within myself not knowing what to believe.
As I was thinking about this and my need to sit and remember grace- I came across a poem on the "mission today" website (http://mission.squarespace.com/ If you haven't read this- check it out!) Anyway, the poem is by Nancy and part of it says
"it is He (GOD) that knows the worth of us
and the worth of what we do
it is God that does the work
that we do not see
and it is so hard to understand this
to remember this
when things look dismal and unchanging
when the things we do look small
our work
is to Love God
and one another
and that looks different to all of us"
As I read this I just started to weep- that He knows our worth and sees the worth of what we do. I too often forget that I am not worth what I do- that the task of memorizing foosha verbs and trying to remember the difference in classical and spoken Arabic and trying to write stories correctly and trying to pack as much language as I can into these years- that all of that is not my worth.
I think that when you are learning a language you see how important your personality is to you. I have seen that I long to be "me" when speaking Arabic...the one with the great stories, the one who makes people laugh, the one that can talk about deep things with honesty. And really, that just isn't happening! And so, I think that I am worthless in a way, that my task is pointless and that I have little merit. The world isn't going to be changed because I can use the past tense correctly on the fly. The world isn't going to stand up and take notice if I use the right word for "girls" or can spell "three" - nope, they aren't really going to care. And because of that I have been looking for significance in every place I know to look. I have tried out every new Job or place I can imagine so I won't have to come back here and feel this for another year! And I have thrown myself into class, getting more Arabic by helping at the school and now even teaching ESL once a week! Yep, I have packed my schedule thinking that maybe doing more will make me worth more! Yes- I have spent the last 2 months dashing from one idol to another trying to find security and salvation....when grace was right there. The rest of trusting God. Of believing that He is good and He gives good things. That His love is inexhaustible ....and that He doesn't ask me to save the world, doesn't ask me to prove my salvation...He just gives me the chance to love.
I know that this is going to be a lesson rehearsed quite frequently and loudly over the next years of my life- I hope it is one that is stamped deeply into my fabric. But for now, I am just reminding myself that God is good, that He loves me and that I am forgiven. I am just reminding myself that I am covered in grace. I am just reminding myself that though I am broken I am also redeemed and waiting for my Hope to be made real.
This has been a crazy week...tons of homework, trying to get over my "vacation" whirlwind to Damascus and Beirut and then trying to move (or actually embark on the wandering lifestyle once again- 1 month stying with one friend, then 2 weeks somewhere else, then change again and then maybe change even again! I never thought I wanted a place of my own until now!!!) And then I have 3 tests this week and I am reminded of how my "do homework fast so I can play" mentality leaves a lot to be desired in my vocabulary retention!
But somewhere in the midst of this crazy week, I remembered a time when things were just as crazy (or maybe more?) And I was trying to say goodbye to a life in Dallas and my time of training there...but that time was so different. It made me really miss my friends at Common Grace- no, my family at CGM- and it made me think about how much I am still living what I learned there.
I am continually surprised at how easily I forget my need for grace. It is so weird to me because when I take the time to look, I see that everything is covered with this wonderful thing we call grace- but if I don't look...I just see me and my desires and my needs and my.....it is crazy how something so fundamental to my life can just be ignored- I guess it is like breathing. Don't notice it unless I pay attention- but without it I am dead.
I was thinking a lot about this today. I find myself in the midst of this culture that is so racist, so exterior centered, so works oriented and I see myself doubting whether or not grace really works. This is kind of scary to be writing- but it is true. I have felt a little lost and searching around for truth lately because there doesn't seem to be much room for the Gospel in my city- or neighborhood for that matter. And when you are trying to save the world, and you look back at 8 months in a place and you can't even see room for grace much less Grace- YIKES! It is pretty demoralizing. I have really been out of place within myself not knowing what to believe.
As I was thinking about this and my need to sit and remember grace- I came across a poem on the "mission today" website (http://mission.squarespace.com/ If you haven't read this- check it out!) Anyway, the poem is by Nancy and part of it says
"it is He (GOD) that knows the worth of us
and the worth of what we do
it is God that does the work
that we do not see
and it is so hard to understand this
to remember this
when things look dismal and unchanging
when the things we do look small
our work
is to Love God
and one another
and that looks different to all of us"
As I read this I just started to weep- that He knows our worth and sees the worth of what we do. I too often forget that I am not worth what I do- that the task of memorizing foosha verbs and trying to remember the difference in classical and spoken Arabic and trying to write stories correctly and trying to pack as much language as I can into these years- that all of that is not my worth.
I think that when you are learning a language you see how important your personality is to you. I have seen that I long to be "me" when speaking Arabic...the one with the great stories, the one who makes people laugh, the one that can talk about deep things with honesty. And really, that just isn't happening! And so, I think that I am worthless in a way, that my task is pointless and that I have little merit. The world isn't going to be changed because I can use the past tense correctly on the fly. The world isn't going to stand up and take notice if I use the right word for "girls" or can spell "three" - nope, they aren't really going to care. And because of that I have been looking for significance in every place I know to look. I have tried out every new Job or place I can imagine so I won't have to come back here and feel this for another year! And I have thrown myself into class, getting more Arabic by helping at the school and now even teaching ESL once a week! Yep, I have packed my schedule thinking that maybe doing more will make me worth more! Yes- I have spent the last 2 months dashing from one idol to another trying to find security and salvation....when grace was right there. The rest of trusting God. Of believing that He is good and He gives good things. That His love is inexhaustible ....and that He doesn't ask me to save the world, doesn't ask me to prove my salvation...He just gives me the chance to love.
I know that this is going to be a lesson rehearsed quite frequently and loudly over the next years of my life- I hope it is one that is stamped deeply into my fabric. But for now, I am just reminding myself that God is good, that He loves me and that I am forgiven. I am just reminding myself that I am covered in grace. I am just reminding myself that though I am broken I am also redeemed and waiting for my Hope to be made real.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
so much fun!
i had so much fun in Beirut and Damascus last weekend....I can't wait to live in those two cities!
I have so many stories to tell- but for now I will just have to say take a look at the new pics that are going up....some from the big snow we had this winter and others from Damascus and Beirut. We went to a glass workshop where we was the men actually blowing glass- it was great! I got some good pictures and it made me really want to learn how to blow glass :)
I have so many stories to tell- but for now I will just have to say take a look at the new pics that are going up....some from the big snow we had this winter and others from Damascus and Beirut. We went to a glass workshop where we was the men actually blowing glass- it was great! I got some good pictures and it made me really want to learn how to blow glass :)
Friday, March 14, 2008
ice cream party
This week has been really busy- but we did manage to pull off an ice cream party- all homemade of course! (thanks to L and her ice cream maker!) We had coffee, vanilla, mint chocolate and chocolate- and of course the mystery flavor....red beans and rice! We had about 30 or so people come- an eclectic group of families and singles, Americans, Canadians, Jordanians and even an Iraqi :) It was lots of fun and I look forward to being able to do it again!
I have been really busy with school, helping in the Kindergarten and just trying to get my homework done. I have enjoyed some lovely weather with a few good walks...but the weather has turned cold and might even freeze tonight!
I have been trying to get my housing sorted out for the next few months- but good news! I got into the school I want to go to next year! It is a great opportunity to study at a first class school here in Amman...and hopefully will take my Arabic to a new level!
I am taking some time to rest this weekend- and might go on a visa run in the next few weeks (I have friends going to Damascus and Beirut) and I might tag along....if I do, I promise some pictures!
I have been really busy with school, helping in the Kindergarten and just trying to get my homework done. I have enjoyed some lovely weather with a few good walks...but the weather has turned cold and might even freeze tonight!
I have been trying to get my housing sorted out for the next few months- but good news! I got into the school I want to go to next year! It is a great opportunity to study at a first class school here in Amman...and hopefully will take my Arabic to a new level!
I am taking some time to rest this weekend- and might go on a visa run in the next few weeks (I have friends going to Damascus and Beirut) and I might tag along....if I do, I promise some pictures!
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
2nd circle
When I first arrived in Amman, the weather was great and people seemed to flood to gathering places in the city to enjoy it. One of these places is 2nd circle. This is a round-about in downtown Amman. In this round-about there are benches and a piece of "art" (it is this huge circle standing on its side). I always thought that it would be cool to be able to go into the circle and sit with the masses. (it is sort of like sitting in the median of a major road- a crazy thought with adventure written all over it!) I never did this before because my Arabic wasn't good enough, and then it was too cold.
Today, I went to Kindergarten and then had a glorious walk down to 2nd circle. I was starving when I arrived, so I went to the now famous (even written up in the New York Times) shawarma joint and got two really good lamb shawarmas and a pepsi (all for 2 bucks!) and then crossed the street so that I was now in the middle of the round-about. I found a bench, started up my ipod and enjoyed the shawarma and the weather. I then pulled out the books because I wasn't ready for my lesson that was less than an hour away. I little girl playing in the patch of grass in front of me greeted me. I began chatting with her and her friends and before I knew it I was meeting the moms. I was able to chat with them and then was invited to coffee with them sometime next week.
It was just as I thought- sitting in the midst of the traffic, eating some great food, chatting in Arabic, making friends- it could not have been any better! A great adventure!
Today, I went to Kindergarten and then had a glorious walk down to 2nd circle. I was starving when I arrived, so I went to the now famous (even written up in the New York Times) shawarma joint and got two really good lamb shawarmas and a pepsi (all for 2 bucks!) and then crossed the street so that I was now in the middle of the round-about. I found a bench, started up my ipod and enjoyed the shawarma and the weather. I then pulled out the books because I wasn't ready for my lesson that was less than an hour away. I little girl playing in the patch of grass in front of me greeted me. I began chatting with her and her friends and before I knew it I was meeting the moms. I was able to chat with them and then was invited to coffee with them sometime next week.
It was just as I thought- sitting in the midst of the traffic, eating some great food, chatting in Arabic, making friends- it could not have been any better! A great adventure!
Monday, March 03, 2008
beauty
In my walking in the last few days, I had a chance to catch up on my "podcast listening." One of my favorites is "this american life" it is a free podcast from NPR (which is apparently running a two week special on working in the Middle East- focusing on Cairo and Dubai...you might want to check it out.) Anyway, I was listening as this guy was telling his story about having a medical condition that caused him to see things "as they are, with no emotion or distraction" and the thought that kept coming to him was "that is beautiful" over and over and over.
I thought about how many times I stop and take in something of beauty in my day, week and month- and how much beauty is actually around me. I thought about how God's grace is seen in my life- His protection in the crazy driving (and walking around the crazy driving!) and memorizing vocabulary, chatting with people, opportunities to go to KG-1 and practice with the kids there, the way the kids today were "belly dancing" and making me laugh- or the kid whose name is betro because they can't pronounce their "p" :) or the love that is given in a heartfelt hug of a 4 year old. Or in the rain that we got last night, the warmth of the heater on a really cold night, the feeling of carbonation bubbling in my mouth as I drink my pepsi- the looks I get from people who expect me to speak english and then I burst out in Arabic :) the music of Jennifer Knapp and Rich Mullins piping through my ipod as I walk this city- friends to laugh with, dreams for the future- all of these and so much more joining in the symphony of life to scream "this is beautiful!"
I heard this line today on a tv show "some hearts are so beautifully fragile like crystal- they are beautiful even when they shatter" -- I thought that is so true of this world. It is beautiful, even in it's broken and cursed state- it is beautiful even when it shatters.
I thought about how many times I stop and take in something of beauty in my day, week and month- and how much beauty is actually around me. I thought about how God's grace is seen in my life- His protection in the crazy driving (and walking around the crazy driving!) and memorizing vocabulary, chatting with people, opportunities to go to KG-1 and practice with the kids there, the way the kids today were "belly dancing" and making me laugh- or the kid whose name is betro because they can't pronounce their "p" :) or the love that is given in a heartfelt hug of a 4 year old. Or in the rain that we got last night, the warmth of the heater on a really cold night, the feeling of carbonation bubbling in my mouth as I drink my pepsi- the looks I get from people who expect me to speak english and then I burst out in Arabic :) the music of Jennifer Knapp and Rich Mullins piping through my ipod as I walk this city- friends to laugh with, dreams for the future- all of these and so much more joining in the symphony of life to scream "this is beautiful!"
I heard this line today on a tv show "some hearts are so beautifully fragile like crystal- they are beautiful even when they shatter" -- I thought that is so true of this world. It is beautiful, even in it's broken and cursed state- it is beautiful even when it shatters.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
WOW
Today, I decided that because I have to write Bible stories for class (in Arabic) and then I have to memorize them...that I should be learning stories that might be helpful later on. I have just been thinking of stories that I know the vocabulary for, or thinking of stories that I love to tell- but today I went to Gen. 1 and started with creation. It was supposed to be an exercise in Arabic- but something happened as I was trying to convey the miraculous beginnings of humanity- I can't really explain it. I got to the part where God fashions mankind, breathes life into Adam and calls him good. I was rapped up in the word for breath in Arabic also meaning "soul" (and in Hebrew by the way) and how clearly that is conveyed in this beautiful language. God breathed life, His "soul" into makind and we had life, movement, soul! ......it wasn't the first time that I have been interacting with the Bible in Arabic and paused to think "beautiful" and I am sure it won't be the last.
I don't know what it is - I think it is just the idea that I can read the Bible in a language that isn't my own and still the HS can speak to me....I just think that is amazing. What an incredible Book! I was just lost for a while- looking at the curly cues on my page that now actually mean something to me, another language that will be spoken on the new earth around the throne!
I don't know what it is - I think it is just the idea that I can read the Bible in a language that isn't my own and still the HS can speak to me....I just think that is amazing. What an incredible Book! I was just lost for a while- looking at the curly cues on my page that now actually mean something to me, another language that will be spoken on the new earth around the throne!
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