confession

I woke up in a funk today- remnants from the last post. I decided that what I needed to do was have a "me" day (i.e. worship everything that makes me feel good) to get out of the said funk. But then, I thought about it and decided that the funk was good if it was making me think about my need for grace and went for a shawarma instead. While I sat in the beautiful sun and ate my shawarma, I listened to Pastor Rick. It was a sermon that he preached before Easter about losing our lives for the Gospel. I realized while listening to that podcast that one of the reasons I have been so "unhappy" learning Arabic is that I hate serving. I hate the behind the scenes, no one sees me, I am doing something mundane, serving. I mean, I love to clean the kitchen when there are people there to see me serving- but sreve when no one sees! NO WAY! As Pastor Rick talked about losing my life for the Gospel, taking up my cross (and not comparing which cross is the heaviest) tears began to flow (What I sight! A crying American listening to her ipod! :) I am sure I was getting tons of stares!) I realized that this serving I am doing- serving people I probably don't even know yet, serving them by honoring them enough to speak their language, serving them by learning who they are, what their culture is like and trying to think more like them as I learn to think in Arabic- this serving wasn't going to get me mentioned in the DTS magazine, this serving wasn't going to get me notoriety back in the US and this serving wasn't really going to ever bring me fame. I know that I could go back to the US and use the gifts I have and work hard and get fame in some circle. I know that at least a few people would think that I was awesome....but that is not what I have been asked to do. I have been asked to pick up my cross and lose my life for the Gospel. That means that I have to die to a lot of things...and I have to serve silently in the background for YEARS!! As I learn to say "I don't have a preference!" or other "normal" things in Arabic...I have to spend, to some, waste, my time here learning- all to serve.
So, I sat there and confessed- my pride, my selfishness, my desire to be known and famous, my idea that I know best where and what I should be doing, the idea that I deserve something better than Amman, the idea that my training has made me "better" than helping in a kindergarten, that serving was for people who don't have any other options, not really loving, and so much more....
I left that table with a new desire to learn arabic, to love the kids in the kindergarten, to help people learn English at the English center (where I will start teaching next week) To love God and really believe that He (and His glory) are worth giving my life for (even though I might be giving it in bits and pieces, as I study vocabulary or walk around with a kid at school or teach someone how to say" how are you")