advent

the advent season starts tomorrow. The time when we as a church remember the first time that Jesus came to earth and look forward to the 2nd advent when we will get to see Him put all things under His feet.
I was thinking about this today- thinking about how the fact that Jesus became flesh changed everything- I mean, even the Godhead "changed" in some way, because when Jesus became human He stayed human- forever. And, I was thinking about how incredible it was that God was generous enough to create us, and then to take our form........
What a concept! That when God was forming Adam out of dirt, They knew that one day Jesus would take this very form- the form of dirt made alive, human.
What worth humanity now has! It is like when you are a little kid and everyone is making fun of you for having green socks on and then the teacher- the coolest teacher ever, that everyone loves- comes in with green socks! And then, having green socks changes to "coolest ever" - yep, it is like that times 1 million. God decided to be human. He said that humanity has incredible worth- made in His image and now the second person of the Trinity became man FOREVER! This doesn't mean that humanity has worth in and of itself- oh, no. It means that God has given humanity worth. That God has shown how incredible He considers human life- how we should value human life.
And it is just amazing that God would do this so we could see how generous He is, how gracious, how loving.....it just keeps coming and coming and coming and coming and coming and coming!

confused

I have to decide in the next few weeks (well, actually I have a month or two before I really have to decide) what to do next semester. the school I am in is kinda frustrating me and it has been discovered that I would learn a lot better in a smaller group (now, mind you that I am not learning "poorly" now, but I would be able to learn faster and in a more tailored way if I was studying in a smaller group) So, I have a few options and I am trying to sort them all out. This means that in addition to my studying I am trying to sort through these options.
And, recently I have been struck by the lack of "social life" we have here in the ME. Some of my friends that are in other places talk about how they "play" every night, how they go out and have people over....and here in ME that really isn't done much. I think back to my time in the Emirates and now here- and yep...not so much. I think things would be different if I lived in Beirut....but alas, not yet :(
so, random thoughts of a scattered girl....

run the race

Last year around this time, josh, Green and I were trudging the streets of Seattle in freezing cold temps to run our half- marathon. I thought of this when someone was talking about "running the race" in hebrews 12 - the crowd of people cheering us on, telling us to run- people we didn't even know trying to encourage us to keep going.
The guy was talking about life- and how the people in Hebrews 12 are believers that have gone before us, people who have finished the race and they are screaming "God IS good! He IS faithful...keep it up! He IS worth it!" I thought of how those people cheered us on in Seattle and how great it was to be cheered for. Then the guy said- it is not just Paul and Peter and Ruth cheering us on, it is Amy Carmichael, Adoniram Judson, and other people- people you know who have finished the race.
I started to cry and laugh at the same time because I heard Rob in his "most red-neck voice ever" saying "Katy- get 'er done! Come on girl- you got it....don't let it whip ya!"

"stuff of earth"

there is this line in one of the best songs of all time
"The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the giver
Of all good things"
this line has been running through my head lately because the stuff of earth is doing a good job of competing for my allegiance. I feel as if at times I want nothing more than to be powerful or smart or friendly, or something.....anything but a follower of Christ.
And it is only if I see these things as competing allegiances that I can worship the Giver of all Good things- and not the things He gives.
I say all of this, after I just vehemently spilled about the school and their "dumb" way of teaching me.....and I have so see that as an expression of the "stuff of earth' competing for my allegiance, telling me that if I was "smart" or "a fast learner" or "the corrector of the stupid way they teach" that I will be somehow "better."
Oh, I am in such need of grace!

frustration

the last few days have been some of massive frustration with the language learning. Not because it is hard- yes, learning Arabic is HARD, but it seems that the program I am in has lost its way with our class and is now spinning out of control! I have been frustrated with the way they are teaching, the pace (we finally started the new book, after a month of review- but now we are told that we must go slowly. Which means that we will be on the first few chapters for the month....but I have to memorize the 100 vocab. words in 3 days!!!!! Yes, does that sound weird to you????) and then, the way they are teaching classical Arabic is driving me mad!!!! It seems that they think more information is better and have decided to throw things at us and see if we can make it without cussing! so today we "took" the 76 ways of making nouns from verbs. Yes, that was after the 10 forms of verbs, the past, present and command tenses, and then the 10 ways to make infinitives and gerunds!!!! And then in another book (also, classical) we are going so slowly that we just took the "definite article" today!!!! yes, now I can read "the book" - well, duh!!!! So, to say the least, right now I am frustrated!!!
I have spent 5 hours today doing homework and the same yesterday. But the whole week before I don't think I had 5 hours of homework to do!!! But, I am sure it will go back to "nothing" and I will make do......
on a brighter note. I have started a different program in the afternoons, and I love it. I am learning with what feels like "no effort" - so that is great!!!
so, I am getting a great lesson in "practicing" that the world doesn't revolve around me= that I am not the center of the Arabic learning universe and that other people might learn in different ways ...and believe it or not those ways might actually be valid!!!
so, I am trying to learn to see others as existing...and then hopefully as more important than myself- but it is hard to do when I am frustrated!!!!
So, I beg for mercy and grace - and confess that it is on that I fall.........

life in jordan

so, I think I have settled into "life" here. I have gotten some sort of rhythm here- the going to school, the returning to study. And I have had quite and emotional week as God has been amputating bits of my rotten heart and patiently replacing it with the fruit of the Spirit. It has been shocking to see how often I live for myself and my desires. I have had a week of examination and I am trying to find myself in this new reality. I have been drinking the sweet drink of grace- and the bitter cup of confession (a prerequisite for grace I am afraid.) It has been a hard week, but next week I have 2 days off of school, start an "extra" Arabic class 2-3 days a week and try to "live" as well ;) good thing I have a few days off!
I am feeling a little sick (got the "winter cold" that is going around class) so I am going to bed......

change

there is something about me that craves change. Even though I like my school, I am finding that there are a lot of things that I think should be done differently. I found a different school today- one that I think would be FANTASTIC! But, i am not sure if I am just craving change- or if I am really looking for something better.
So, I am going to give it a test run- for the next month I am going to "attend" this other school and see if I like it. So, for the next month I will be doing two schools :) sounds like fun, doesn't it!

space for beauty

Today was a really busy day. I went to school, then went to the BC to study and chat with friends. After an hour of studying and an hour and a half of Arabic I was ready to go! So, I took off to meet another friend so we could plan the review for our class (we are in charge of the whole day of class in a few days). We went to this really cool restaurant in the balad- it was really cool with old stairs and cool lanterns and the best hummus and kifta around!
Anyway, I studied there for 2 more hours and then I was ready to go home and sleep. But my friend (the dutch boy) asked me to go to a free concert with him and this other girl. I didn't want to go, I was tired and hadn't been home since 7:45 am....but I said "I don't want to go, but I should make some space for beauty in my life this week....so ok!"
We got there, waited in line- and then were treated to a free concert by the Chicago Trio and friends. It was fantastic. They played "fun" music that made us laugh and they played other music that was so complicated it almost hurt to listen to it.
After the hour was up, even though I was tired, I felt that in some way that my life was bigger. It is funny how beauty can do that - especially beautiful music. It is the stilling of your body, the focusing of your ears, your mind and your emotions to listen, feel and see the intricacies of the music. It is like for an hour, you move in slow motion while your soul breathes.
It was wonderful!!!! I am so glad that I made some space in my life today.

from another blog I love

There is this blog that I started reading about a 2 years ago. I try to read it every week or so and keep up with the guy. I read his "book" 9a collection of blogs from the "first year.") I am not sure how I found this blog. All I know is that it was a slow day at the worst job in the world and it afforded some "blog hopping." I stumbled on this guy by following the links on other blogs I found interesting. But, this blog has been one that I have returned to often and found poignant words shaking my ideas and hopefully changing the way I live my life.
I was looking for something on the net today and decided to spend a few minutes "at the mission." And this is what I found:
"What if Jesus isn't looking for leaders? What if he's looking for followers? Followers who are content to treasure and value the folks right in their own neighborhood..." What if? Would that change the way I lived here in Amman? Would that change the way I see my future? Would that give me a greater push/motivation/desire to "just serve" people? Would it make the need to volunteer and effect change in our community essential to my faith?
I ask this because the phrase "follower of Jesus" is a big one in my circles these days....aka people who want to identify with Jesus but not the crusades here in the ME. So, thinking about really being a follower - not just using that as my "name" while I am here- is always present.
I know I would live differently if I saw myself as the servant of my neighbors and friends.
oh- here is the link to the blog....in case you need some more reading material! www.mission.squarespace.com/-journal/

cloudy

The clouds in Amman today were absolutely amazing. The sky was so blue it looked like Kool-Aid. The clouds were the perfect fluffy cotton balls floating through the air.
I was sitting in class and I took a quick gaze out the window. And there it was- the most amazing site. A cloud, so white it hurt to look at it, floating past the window. It was so graceful, carefully moving and joining others as it glided in the sky. I was so thankful for this glimpse of sheer beauty.
Then, after I got home from class- I found myself in the same position yet again- gazing up at the sky just amazed that water could make so much beauty above me!
I have been so grateful for these glimpses of beauty. It was such a great reminder of hope, such a picture of grace, such a relief in the midst of a busy day.
Who knew that I would love a cloudy day this much :)

His "departure"

So, I have been reading in the book of Luke- and last night's chapter was on the Transfiguration. It just hit me that Moses and Elijah had both been on a mountain before. They had both asked to see God - one in the midst of receiving God's laws, the other at the end of a long journey and bout of depression. Both of them "saw" God- his "backside" or His "still, small voice" - but now, they were face to face with God- Talking with Jesus on the mountain.
And what had they come all this way to chat about- Jesus' departure. They were talking about His death and resurrection. Were they chatting about the pain that He would experience? Were they talking about the purpose of His suffering? Were they chatting about how He fulfilled the law of Moses and was a "greater" prophet than Elijah? Were they talking about death - something that Elijah never experienced - what were they talking about? I don't know, but I would have loved to have been there.
I do know that they were chatting about Jesus and how He would "depart"- His suffering, His death, His resurrection and His ascension- pretty amazing stuff when you think about it...Elijah, Moses and Jesus having a chat about the Gospel! I would agree with Peter- let's build a tabernacle, a place to remember this!
I just thought, this story- the one that Jesus. Moses and Elijah were chatting about - this story is mine now........

life

so, I have been living.....it seems that is taking all of my time now :)
I have been studying- had a test today and will have another test in a week or so. I have been running around looking for a particular Arabic book here in Amman. I have been watching Arabic films, trying to dive into the culture :)
I have quit tutoring, but now I am looking for other ways to engage with people here. So, I have to go back out and try to volunteer route, the "job" search or other ways to consistently be involved with people and practice my language.
I do have a funny story though. We are memorizing Bible verses in class and last week's was "all Scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, correction, reproof and training in righteousness." but when I was saying it in class I said "all Scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, COOKING, reproof and training in righteousness." So, who knew that the Bible was good for cooking :)

busy

Sorry, I have been busy and haven't blogged lately. I have been running around with a friend from Beirut, having dinner and fun with friends, church, and class. I have a big test tomrrow- the last test in the "book" the next one wil be a semester review. Yes, the semester is far from over- probably 7 weeks to go, but my class is almost finished with the book. So, we will start the 2nd semester book in the next few weeks.
I have to make this short because I have to go and study-

story continued

It is so easy to think that living the "real life" means being busy, effective, purposeful- and then when something happens and you feel stupid- really stupid...it makes you all squirmy inside and wondering who you really are, what you really want to do-
Today I had a few of those "squirmy" moments. The kids that I "tutored" (actually, I just fussed at them to bring their homework and i HATED doing it and have been saying for the last 2 weeks that I needed a way out- even asked someone last week to take over for me, but they couldn't so I was stuck with it) Anyway, today the parents told me that they were going a "different direction" and didn't give much more of an explanation. I wanted to ask, but then I was just happy to be getting out of it. But then I thought, what if they are "firing me?" What if I did their math wrong or something? What if I am dumber than these 8th graders?
And then, in class, I kept forgetting everything and then I didn't want to come home and study...but I had to-
So, as I was walking to a much needed arabic tutoring session, I listened to some cranberries, Patty Griffin and just took in the weather....trying to remind myself that even though I felt like I had just "unearned" my identity....it was secure and not based on what I do. I just wanted to breathe, to be alive and not so obsessed with being "worthy"-
I just wanted to see grace in this moment of pain and squirminess and un-fitting.
Today, on the way to school, I was thinking about the day and my squirminess and all. I thought about how I felt like I needed to make "my story" great today (to make up for yesterday!) And it hit me. This isn't my story. I am not responsible for how fun it is. I am joining the most amazing story ever...the narrative that started with creation and will continue for eternity as God makes all things new.....and I am just in the midst of the story. I am not the "main character" as I think I am, I am not the one who controls the plot or the intensity....I am a character in His story.
I think I had a few minutes this morning where I "got it" - I wasn't trying, I wasn't earning- I was just living the story set before me.