story continued

It is so easy to think that living the "real life" means being busy, effective, purposeful- and then when something happens and you feel stupid- really stupid...it makes you all squirmy inside and wondering who you really are, what you really want to do-
Today I had a few of those "squirmy" moments. The kids that I "tutored" (actually, I just fussed at them to bring their homework and i HATED doing it and have been saying for the last 2 weeks that I needed a way out- even asked someone last week to take over for me, but they couldn't so I was stuck with it) Anyway, today the parents told me that they were going a "different direction" and didn't give much more of an explanation. I wanted to ask, but then I was just happy to be getting out of it. But then I thought, what if they are "firing me?" What if I did their math wrong or something? What if I am dumber than these 8th graders?
And then, in class, I kept forgetting everything and then I didn't want to come home and study...but I had to-
So, as I was walking to a much needed arabic tutoring session, I listened to some cranberries, Patty Griffin and just took in the weather....trying to remind myself that even though I felt like I had just "unearned" my identity....it was secure and not based on what I do. I just wanted to breathe, to be alive and not so obsessed with being "worthy"-
I just wanted to see grace in this moment of pain and squirminess and un-fitting.
Today, on the way to school, I was thinking about the day and my squirminess and all. I thought about how I felt like I needed to make "my story" great today (to make up for yesterday!) And it hit me. This isn't my story. I am not responsible for how fun it is. I am joining the most amazing story ever...the narrative that started with creation and will continue for eternity as God makes all things new.....and I am just in the midst of the story. I am not the "main character" as I think I am, I am not the one who controls the plot or the intensity....I am a character in His story.
I think I had a few minutes this morning where I "got it" - I wasn't trying, I wasn't earning- I was just living the story set before me.