noise

what is the difference between noise and music? I am not sure - but a friend told me yesterday that it seems that there is a lot of noise in my life these days. Noise keeping me from focusing on one thing. Noise distracting me from the task at hand. Noise tricking me into thinking that I have a bigger task than faithfulness. Noise deceiving me into believing that I am to live for myself.
I don't know how to quiet the noise. I have a stack of books in my room at least 7 high that have to be read in 5 days. I have papers that need to be written. I have movies that need to be watched. I have "pleasure books" that need to be devoured. I have people I should hang out with. I have emails that need to be written. I have bills that need to be paid. I have grocery shopping to do, books to buy. I have a to do list that seems to grow and grow and grow. I am not sure what is to be done to quiet the noise.
But, I know that in this noise the dimensions of the kingdom seem to flatten out. It feels so one sided and blurry. It seems so impossible to live, much less fully. It seems that the future will never come, that today and the mundane lists of "to do" will never end.
Noise-

broken

I wish I was broken in exotic ways. I wish that my brokenness was fun to explore and showed evidence of something greater. I wish my cleft was something like the Grand Canyon, that gazing on the layers of complexity and depths made you gasp at its beauty.
However, this is not the case. My brokenness does not make you gasp at its beauty, rather you gasp at the stench.
I am seeing my curse seep out in so many awful ways today and the pain of dealing with it is almost too much to bear.
I feel absolutely alone. I feel as if I have been abandoned by everyone and all that awaits me is a lonely expanse where I will do something or nothing (but it won’t matter either way because they will both be so painful!) And because I have taken these feelings as true, because I don’t trust my Father to give me what is good. Because I act as if God is limited in His blessing and He is too busy doling them out to others to even care about what I am going through. Because I am so obsessed with other people and making sure that I am held in high esteem in their eyes. Because I am consumed with comparing my life to others in an effort to convince God that He can spread a thin layer of grace on me because I deserve at least a thin layer. Because I am broken I have spent the last few minutes in the depths of despair.
I have been comparing myself to my room mate for days now. I have been comparing everything she does and says. I am winning on the “house cleaning” bits, I am winning on the homework bits, I am even winning on the “dealing with life” bits (or so I think) but I am losing on the “hang out with friends” bit. She is only taking 6 hours and she seems to be the hub of all social activity these days. She even commented on me “getting out” the other day – realizing that the apartment has shifted into the social direction for her. I feel as if am on a seesaw and she has now gone down and all the bits that I held on to are tumbling her way too! I am stuck at the top with nothing!
But it gets worse; because of this I am short, snappy and even avoid her. I don’t want to deal with the shift- I would rather just sit here and grasp at anything that would give me worth. I would rather prove that I am right and that I know how to do community and that she is all wrong. I would rather sit here and think of a life boat that can save me from this awful mess.
Why do I do this? Why can’t I just admit that I don’t have it all down, that I am sad that things are different, that I don’t know what I want out of our friendship anymore- but that I want something more than this and the pain of not getting it is killing me? Why can’t I just beg God for repentance for seeking redemption in my ability to make friends and keep them? Why can’t I just beg God for repentance for finding my worth in being a good counselor that holds things together when people are falling apart? Why can’t I trust that God is redeeming me- even if I am friendless and pointless? Why do I strive so hard? It is exhausting!!!

freedom

it is kind of funny- freedom is. I once thought I understood freedom. Now I know that I have no clue what it really means. I have begun to think about life after graduation. This brings the idea of "freedom" a bit closer. I have the freedom to do what ever I please. I am not redeemed by what I do, so the sky is the limit! I can open a pancake shop in Maui, move to the Yosemite and hike all day and night, I can move to study arabic, move to work with Josh and Green, i could move to korea and teach ESL- hey I could move anywhere in the world and teach ESL- freedom. How do you weigh these kinds of things? how do you decide what you really wnat to do, what you were "made" to do - without finding your redemption in what you do? This is a new dillema for me. I have never been in this postion before in my life and I feel as if my decision will change my life- maybe ruin it forever!
I always laugh at myself in these times of change- I act as if I will not make it out the other side. I know that what I decide will be fun, I know that what I decide will be great. I also know that wherever I go, there I am - so comes pain, sin, hurt and fear.
So- I sit on this fence..wondering what is the worst that can happen, how can I avoid the most pain and still have the most I can sqeeze out of life?
I sit here, contemplating how you live a life where you are redeemed only by the cross? I sit here wondering how you serve a God that seems to value reconcilitation over justice, grace over punishment -He loves the ungodly and the righteous and blesses us both.....just to remind us that our redemption isn't because I make good choices?
OH FREEDOM!!! When I get a taste of it....I get scared and run back to the chains and stability of slavery! Oh! What a mess I am!

alone

I feel so alone when there is no one who agrees with my ideas. I think that is one of the reasons that I fall into people worship so easily. I want people to agree with me, so I cave in conversations and don't hold to the truth so that they will think, wow! Katy is smart! Or, if I know they won't agree- I make sure that I stand firm in the direct opposition so that they have to think that I am brave and smart as I offer my defense.
But, the more I learn of grace, the more I have to say that thes are examples of a people worshipping heart, and nothing less.
I have also been thinking a lot about how I am not redeemed by what I do. Although, I love this idea at times. I hate it when it means that I have to love others just as much when they are walking in "sin" as when they are not. This is really difficult. I have a freind that I see doing things that I disagree with, saying and beleiving things that I think are wrong. I have told her and told her - and now I sit back and love her? I act as if she is not redeemed by the way she lives?
How does sin factor into this? I don't know - after all, sin is what we are- not what we do. I sin everyday- so should I judge her sin becuase I see it as such?
so where does my idea that you have to live for the kingdom, make sacrifices to be a disciple - where does all of that fit in?
And how- how oh how- can I share, really share with people who don't get it!
I just want one person to get it! I want one person to say - yep! That's it...and here's another thing!
I know I am asking for a lot....a person who I won't worship but will help me see things more clearly - or maybe I am just freakign out because I am leaving Dallas and I am going off alone....
fear is scary stuff!