sin and grace change everything

I read something today that will forever be etched in my heart, "sin AND grace change everything." I didn't like it at first, I thought that the statement should read "sin changes everything" and then another statement accompanying it should read, "grace changes everything." because I felt that grace should some way be elevated over sin. And then I thought about how separating them gives too much credit to sin...it is not alone in its changing power. Yes, everything was changed at the fall, and yes, sin is constantly changing things that should of been said right, things I shouldn't feel and things that should be done and changing them into a reality that really sucks. But grace is there too- right along with sin, changing things. So I thought maybe "sin changes things- but so does grace" would be a better way of communicating this. But then, it was as if sin was diminished and its ugliness somehow taken away. So, I was back to "sin AND grace change everything," because this is true. Sin, in my evil heart changing me, encaging me, making me its slave - yes, this one who bears His image is so changed by sin. And yet, the story doesn't end there. At the very moment of my refusal of grace when my heart embraces sin, it is there where I need grace most. It is there that I find it - always deeper than my most awful thought, action or feeling - there ready to change everything. All of my thinking has to be rethought with grace now in the picture. All of the ways I gain things, earn acceptance and get position are now changed by grace. All the ways I distinguish myself from the others- changed by grace that calls us one in Christ. All the ways I prove my worth are now missing in grace- given to the most undeserving.
yes, it is as my sin tries to change everything that I get to see grace change everything...this time not just "back to what is right" but changing things to surpass even that. Changing things into things so good it hurts to even think of their beauty.....things changed to shout of the love of God, a love so vast that grace is just one of the ways that it is seen in my life- a love that is so great it calls me a child of God!! Yes, sin and grace change everything.

decisions

i think I probably think of decisions as the greatest of evils in my life....that is I would rather be diagnosed with some evil disease and have to "deal" or be jumped in the parking lot and have all my possessions stolen - because all of these are sufferings that are brought on "by someone else" and I don't have to think "you signed up for this!" I think that is probably because I have made decisions - like coming to seminary- that have proven to be both helpful and hard. I never thought that I would be stretched in relationships, money, ideas, time, and body the way that I have being at school. Nor did I think that I would leave such a different person than when I arrived. This experience has been good- but it also has been hard. There have been times I wanted to quit (and the only thing that prevented it is that I had no where else to go that made sense) and there have been times where I have railed against it with my entire being. I have complained about homework more hours than I have done it- I have bashed professors and class more than I have learned from them and I have dissed the institution more than I have acknowledged its huge influence in my life.
I think because I am seeing how this time has been both good and bad- I am railing against the next decision. What am I going to "sign up" for next? What kind of crap will I have to endure as a part of my "choice?"
I guess that is why we are "called" - so that all the crap that comes our way can be blamed on God :)
yeah- I think it is official....I HATE DECISIONS!!!!

Rescue

I feel as if I need to be rescued. I have a TON of homework that is preventing me from just enjoying my days...and yet my homework is being used to transform my thinking...and at times it changes so quickly that I can't even keep up. I read almost 300 pages today and I have a repeat preformance planned for tomorrow....lots of new thoughts, lots of new ideas, lots of time wasted, lot of trees killed to make the books, lot of pepsi, lot of coffee, lot of time alone with a book
I feel like I need to be rescued because I feel like I am in a room full of Star Treck fans when I have never seen a full episode all the way through. I love stories, so I want to fit in...but I don't know any of the characters- I don't know any of the places, I don't know any of the languages. I am left to stand in the corner and watch everybody else talk, laugh and play. I try to tell them that I am lost- but they don't seem to get it. They think that if they give me the place names and a few of the character names that I will be ok...but they keep correcting me. They keep telling me what I am to think, do, etc. My creativity...what? I can think something different? What, I don't have to agree for you to like me? What, I can think that there is more than one answer to that question? What, I don't have to value "right" more than relationship- but I can value both? Really, I am not sure you think that....because if I don't talk right, if I disagree, if I probe a bit- I am wrong, I am in the corner, I am alone.
yep...i need rescuing! I need to get out of this "think tank" where no thinking is taking place, rather books are being read, pages written and we are becoming more and more fixed in our ways.
We don't know it all....we need to think, re-think and then ask some other people and re- think that again....
but, no - it is easier to just call them "wrong" cause then I can be "right" and sleep well

spin

thinking about dreams and futures and plans can really make a girl's head spin. I have been spinning for the last few weeks- toppling over to one idea only to spin backwards to another and then to be tossed into yet another orbit to be turned around yet again.
In all this turning, a few things have emerged over and over- like the pictures on the top of a top, coming into focus with every revolution. One of these things is "community." This has shown up in weird desires to get married, to random crushes on random guys to plans for a commune and ways to move to live with friends. It has also been seen in more "ugly" ways- depression over not having a "road trip buddy" (but who else in the world has 2 months to kill and a sick desire to drive for most of it?) or a pity party because I don't have a "best friend" here in Dallas, or the intense feeling of "disconnect" when interacting with people who don't "get" the idea of community. All of these and more have shown themself as the top has been spinning.
I am not sure what to do with this new knowledge- except maybe accept that I need relationships. I have realized that I define myself by my relationships- and although this is dangerous and often turns into idolatry- it is real. I am a sister because I have sisters and a brother. I am an aunt because I am in relationship with the kids of my siblings. I am a student because I am in relationship to professors and other students in that role. It is impossible to "do" anything without "being" in relationship to others.
So, in this turning- I have recognized that relationships matter- and really define me in some way.

The cell phone rings

I ALWAYS put my phone on silent before I put it in my bag. I never get phone calls in the middle of the day, but I would hate to interrupt class with my silly ring.
Today, it happened. It rings…and I can’t find it. It keeps ringing. I am embarrassed. I announce “I am sorry.” And dig for the phone.
It becomes glaringly clear that I am a loser. - Praise God that I am not redeemed by what I do! ☺