spin

thinking about dreams and futures and plans can really make a girl's head spin. I have been spinning for the last few weeks- toppling over to one idea only to spin backwards to another and then to be tossed into yet another orbit to be turned around yet again.
In all this turning, a few things have emerged over and over- like the pictures on the top of a top, coming into focus with every revolution. One of these things is "community." This has shown up in weird desires to get married, to random crushes on random guys to plans for a commune and ways to move to live with friends. It has also been seen in more "ugly" ways- depression over not having a "road trip buddy" (but who else in the world has 2 months to kill and a sick desire to drive for most of it?) or a pity party because I don't have a "best friend" here in Dallas, or the intense feeling of "disconnect" when interacting with people who don't "get" the idea of community. All of these and more have shown themself as the top has been spinning.
I am not sure what to do with this new knowledge- except maybe accept that I need relationships. I have realized that I define myself by my relationships- and although this is dangerous and often turns into idolatry- it is real. I am a sister because I have sisters and a brother. I am an aunt because I am in relationship with the kids of my siblings. I am a student because I am in relationship to professors and other students in that role. It is impossible to "do" anything without "being" in relationship to others.
So, in this turning- I have recognized that relationships matter- and really define me in some way.