what is it

I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a canyon. The dark of night surrounds me, no stars or moon to make the night romantic - just the fear that rises in your throat when you can't see in front of you. The cold wind whips up from the ledge, freezing my toes and fingers with every icy gust. I stand there - scared to turn around, scared to go down, scared. All others are lost in the darkness- it is just me and my fears alone for the night.
No one can understand what it feels like - and worse- all I hear are stories about how sunny it is for my friends, how beautiful life is for them.
But I stand, paralyzed by the cold - or is it the fear that forbids me to move? Pain of rejection, pain of failure, pain of loneliness awaits me - and the fear and imagination of those pains keeps me frozen in place.
I long for a blanket, a warm friend to cuddle up with, someone to grab me and say that it will be ok - but I stand alone.
I know that my Savior is close- I know that He is here....but I can't see Him, I don't feel Him and there is no strength in His embrace-
I know that people don't fix it - but the "lameness" of my pitiful life is towering above me and I seem to vanish under what should or could be.
I long to avoid pain- to find that something that makes it all go away. Is it a movie? A boyfriend? A new house? A new location? Maybe a trip or a vacation? Or maybe these are simple distractions from the pain of life.
Is there grace? Is there a way that the deepest fears can't control me? Is there a way to stand on the edge, scared of the night and live- truly live- in the face of all of that?
Tonight - that is my quest.

what is my passion

I was reading today for class and the author asked "what is your passion?" and amazingly he was expecting a "I do..." answer. He is a Christian- that's why I say amazingly. Isn't it easy to think that what we do is what drives us? what makes us who we are? dare I say, redeems us? I have been walking around all day today saying "the way I live doesn't redeem me." I saw a guy trying to parallel park (doing a horrible job) and I thought "I can do better than that" - and then immediately "the way I live doesn't redeem me." It was like a smack- no comparison, no accomplishment, no goals set or failed - I am not redeemed by the way I live. I am redeemed by the cross of Jesus Christ - His death and resurrection and promise of return - His gift of the Holy Spirit that allows me to commune with the Father - this is my redemption and NOTHING else.
so- what is my passion? to really believe and live as if that is true!

I can't believe it

Here I sit, in my car about 100 yards from Caci and Mike's school (waiting for them is what I get paid for. I am there nanny) And I reach in my bag for my brand new laptop - a Macbook. It is al new and shiny white as I am spazzing about the cover and making sure that it has not been scratched in today's adventures - taking Maynard (the Macbook's name) to class was so much fun. Then we took a trip to the apple store to get some software - thanks again MOM and DAD. Then I came here (to the parking lot in which I sit) I decided that I would pull out the new computer and start typing a blog to post....never dreaming that the all too cool airport wireless would be able to reach in my car. So, here I sit blogging in my car. I can safely say that having internet access as I wait will change my life! I can do emails and blog as I sit in my car - something I do at least 30 min. every day.
Man! who knew that Mac's were so cool. It is taking some time to get used to all the new stuff - but I love it!
I will work on making my room "Mac friendly" - that is getting all the PC stuff (the old printer that no one can use because it actually uses a printer port,remember those things :) and re-arranging the desk so that Maynard can have a permanent and beautiful home- that will all take place in the next week as well.
I am really busy, so I am glad that I have this new life change of internet in the car....maybe I can blog more regularly now!

sitting in my room

I am sitting in my room, looking out over the city of Dallas - actually looking at the Baylor Medical pavilion that was just built in the last year and now consumes the view from my window. The sun is shining in the window, the first time it has been able to break through the clouds in weeks. The chair I am sitting in smells of campfires and trees, remnants of my last camping trip.
I sit here, the cool breeze tickling my un-socked toes, wondering about what I will do with my day. I relax in my chair and I am grateful for simple things like cold, fizzy sprite, the sun and blue skies, a new building to gaze upon, a computer to blog with, friends that make me smile and the peacefulness that floods in on a Sunday afternoon.