I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a canyon. The dark of night surrounds me, no stars or moon to make the night romantic - just the fear that rises in your throat when you can't see in front of you. The cold wind whips up from the ledge, freezing my toes and fingers with every icy gust. I stand there - scared to turn around, scared to go down, scared. All others are lost in the darkness- it is just me and my fears alone for the night.
No one can understand what it feels like - and worse- all I hear are stories about how sunny it is for my friends, how beautiful life is for them.
But I stand, paralyzed by the cold - or is it the fear that forbids me to move? Pain of rejection, pain of failure, pain of loneliness awaits me - and the fear and imagination of those pains keeps me frozen in place.
I long for a blanket, a warm friend to cuddle up with, someone to grab me and say that it will be ok - but I stand alone.
I know that my Savior is close- I know that He is here....but I can't see Him, I don't feel Him and there is no strength in His embrace-
I know that people don't fix it - but the "lameness" of my pitiful life is towering above me and I seem to vanish under what should or could be.
I long to avoid pain- to find that something that makes it all go away. Is it a movie? A boyfriend? A new house? A new location? Maybe a trip or a vacation? Or maybe these are simple distractions from the pain of life.
Is there grace? Is there a way that the deepest fears can't control me? Is there a way to stand on the edge, scared of the night and live- truly live- in the face of all of that?
Tonight - that is my quest.
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