broken

I wish I was broken in exotic ways. I wish that my brokenness was fun to explore and showed evidence of something greater. I wish my cleft was something like the Grand Canyon, that gazing on the layers of complexity and depths made you gasp at its beauty.
However, this is not the case. My brokenness does not make you gasp at its beauty, rather you gasp at the stench.
I am seeing my curse seep out in so many awful ways today and the pain of dealing with it is almost too much to bear.
I feel absolutely alone. I feel as if I have been abandoned by everyone and all that awaits me is a lonely expanse where I will do something or nothing (but it won’t matter either way because they will both be so painful!) And because I have taken these feelings as true, because I don’t trust my Father to give me what is good. Because I act as if God is limited in His blessing and He is too busy doling them out to others to even care about what I am going through. Because I am so obsessed with other people and making sure that I am held in high esteem in their eyes. Because I am consumed with comparing my life to others in an effort to convince God that He can spread a thin layer of grace on me because I deserve at least a thin layer. Because I am broken I have spent the last few minutes in the depths of despair.
I have been comparing myself to my room mate for days now. I have been comparing everything she does and says. I am winning on the “house cleaning” bits, I am winning on the homework bits, I am even winning on the “dealing with life” bits (or so I think) but I am losing on the “hang out with friends” bit. She is only taking 6 hours and she seems to be the hub of all social activity these days. She even commented on me “getting out” the other day – realizing that the apartment has shifted into the social direction for her. I feel as if am on a seesaw and she has now gone down and all the bits that I held on to are tumbling her way too! I am stuck at the top with nothing!
But it gets worse; because of this I am short, snappy and even avoid her. I don’t want to deal with the shift- I would rather just sit here and grasp at anything that would give me worth. I would rather prove that I am right and that I know how to do community and that she is all wrong. I would rather sit here and think of a life boat that can save me from this awful mess.
Why do I do this? Why can’t I just admit that I don’t have it all down, that I am sad that things are different, that I don’t know what I want out of our friendship anymore- but that I want something more than this and the pain of not getting it is killing me? Why can’t I just beg God for repentance for seeking redemption in my ability to make friends and keep them? Why can’t I just beg God for repentance for finding my worth in being a good counselor that holds things together when people are falling apart? Why can’t I trust that God is redeeming me- even if I am friendless and pointless? Why do I strive so hard? It is exhausting!!!