freedom

it is kind of funny- freedom is. I once thought I understood freedom. Now I know that I have no clue what it really means. I have begun to think about life after graduation. This brings the idea of "freedom" a bit closer. I have the freedom to do what ever I please. I am not redeemed by what I do, so the sky is the limit! I can open a pancake shop in Maui, move to the Yosemite and hike all day and night, I can move to study arabic, move to work with Josh and Green, i could move to korea and teach ESL- hey I could move anywhere in the world and teach ESL- freedom. How do you weigh these kinds of things? how do you decide what you really wnat to do, what you were "made" to do - without finding your redemption in what you do? This is a new dillema for me. I have never been in this postion before in my life and I feel as if my decision will change my life- maybe ruin it forever!
I always laugh at myself in these times of change- I act as if I will not make it out the other side. I know that what I decide will be fun, I know that what I decide will be great. I also know that wherever I go, there I am - so comes pain, sin, hurt and fear.
So- I sit on this fence..wondering what is the worst that can happen, how can I avoid the most pain and still have the most I can sqeeze out of life?
I sit here, contemplating how you live a life where you are redeemed only by the cross? I sit here wondering how you serve a God that seems to value reconcilitation over justice, grace over punishment -He loves the ungodly and the righteous and blesses us both.....just to remind us that our redemption isn't because I make good choices?
OH FREEDOM!!! When I get a taste of it....I get scared and run back to the chains and stability of slavery! Oh! What a mess I am!