remembering

WARNING: this blog contains real thoughts and feelings and may not be suitable for all readers.
This has been a crazy week...tons of homework, trying to get over my "vacation" whirlwind to Damascus and Beirut and then trying to move (or actually embark on the wandering lifestyle once again- 1 month stying with one friend, then 2 weeks somewhere else, then change again and then maybe change even again! I never thought I wanted a place of my own until now!!!) And then I have 3 tests this week and I am reminded of how my "do homework fast so I can play" mentality leaves a lot to be desired in my vocabulary retention!
But somewhere in the midst of this crazy week, I remembered a time when things were just as crazy (or maybe more?) And I was trying to say goodbye to a life in Dallas and my time of training there...but that time was so different. It made me really miss my friends at Common Grace- no, my family at CGM- and it made me think about how much I am still living what I learned there.
I am continually surprised at how easily I forget my need for grace. It is so weird to me because when I take the time to look, I see that everything is covered with this wonderful thing we call grace- but if I don't look...I just see me and my desires and my needs and my.....it is crazy how something so fundamental to my life can just be ignored- I guess it is like breathing. Don't notice it unless I pay attention- but without it I am dead.
I was thinking a lot about this today. I find myself in the midst of this culture that is so racist, so exterior centered, so works oriented and I see myself doubting whether or not grace really works. This is kind of scary to be writing- but it is true. I have felt a little lost and searching around for truth lately because there doesn't seem to be much room for the Gospel in my city- or neighborhood for that matter. And when you are trying to save the world, and you look back at 8 months in a place and you can't even see room for grace much less Grace- YIKES! It is pretty demoralizing. I have really been out of place within myself not knowing what to believe.
As I was thinking about this and my need to sit and remember grace- I came across a poem on the "mission today" website (http://mission.squarespace.com/ If you haven't read this- check it out!) Anyway, the poem is by Nancy and part of it says
"it is He (GOD) that knows the worth of us
and the worth of what we do
it is God that does the work
that we do not see
and it is so hard to understand this
to remember this
when things look dismal and unchanging
when the things we do look small
our work
is to Love God
and one another
and that looks different to all of us"
As I read this I just started to weep- that He knows our worth and sees the worth of what we do. I too often forget that I am not worth what I do- that the task of memorizing foosha verbs and trying to remember the difference in classical and spoken Arabic and trying to write stories correctly and trying to pack as much language as I can into these years- that all of that is not my worth.
I think that when you are learning a language you see how important your personality is to you. I have seen that I long to be "me" when speaking Arabic...the one with the great stories, the one who makes people laugh, the one that can talk about deep things with honesty. And really, that just isn't happening! And so, I think that I am worthless in a way, that my task is pointless and that I have little merit. The world isn't going to be changed because I can use the past tense correctly on the fly. The world isn't going to stand up and take notice if I use the right word for "girls" or can spell "three" - nope, they aren't really going to care. And because of that I have been looking for significance in every place I know to look. I have tried out every new Job or place I can imagine so I won't have to come back here and feel this for another year! And I have thrown myself into class, getting more Arabic by helping at the school and now even teaching ESL once a week! Yep, I have packed my schedule thinking that maybe doing more will make me worth more! Yes- I have spent the last 2 months dashing from one idol to another trying to find security and salvation....when grace was right there. The rest of trusting God. Of believing that He is good and He gives good things. That His love is inexhaustible ....and that He doesn't ask me to save the world, doesn't ask me to prove my salvation...He just gives me the chance to love.
I know that this is going to be a lesson rehearsed quite frequently and loudly over the next years of my life- I hope it is one that is stamped deeply into my fabric. But for now, I am just reminding myself that God is good, that He loves me and that I am forgiven. I am just reminding myself that I am covered in grace. I am just reminding myself that though I am broken I am also redeemed and waiting for my Hope to be made real.