so, last night I went to a girls night for my church. We sat around and played a game called Keeno (it is like poker and bingo mixed into one- and I was the ONLY one who did not win at least once!) Anyway, we were sitting around and it became obvious that I was the only one who was not married when the conversation turned to birth control and periods. No big deal, I am used to being single among married people. Then it became apparent that all the ladies had children except 2, me and one other married lady. Then, high school comes up and they can all tell you about life in high school and friends that they shared - because, yes they are all from Dallas and went to school with each other.
In the midst of all of this I am laughing really hard with some new girls (who are married to brothers, so they are really close) but we are cutting up, making up accents and such and just laughing! It was great!
But, then the conversation takes a turn to a guy that they know that needs to get married. BUt they totally forget I am single and move on to finding a girl for him - but not me of course. Normally I would have been grateful for this oversight, but last night I needed some connection with these ladies- even if it was just meat for the eligible men they know! I was crushed! I immediately felt my worth leak out of me and puddle in the floor. I kept up the charade that I was still there in tact- but I knew better.
In the car on the way home, tears began to well and then fall freely. I cried out to God in my pain - my loneliness. I realized that my tendency to worship people was driving my need for "connection" aka lifeboat- redemption options. I confessed to the Lord that I was looking for other ways to stay in the lifeboat other than grace.
I know that I don't want to marry someone and live in Dallas. I know that I don't want to be the kind of girl that has to say "what happened here, stays here - no one needs to know I said 'boobie!'" (I have said way worse tonight!!!) And I know that I don't want to be married and thinking about kids right now. I know that God has not made the miracle of meeting the man that can handle me happen yet. And I know that God is good. I know that He is not withholding because I am not doing something right or need to stop doing something wrong. I know that He is gracious in all things. I was able to laugh, to enjoy life, to play and have fun - all by means of His grace. I was able to recognize my sin, repent and receive forgiveness- again all because of His grace! I was able to breathe, to drink and talk- all because of His grace.
It is amazing how quickly I try to save myself- and amazing al the pain that it causes......and yet I never seem to learn!
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Thanks so much for your post on our site. Sorry to hear that you're dealing with these things. It's encouraging to see, though, that you allow theological reflection to penetrate all of your life and it's not compartmentalized. I think that's what Ezk. meant by a heart of flesh; one that is tender and feels. You are always welcome to come here and be a part of our community. With your teaching experience, finding a job wouldn't be all that difficult, of course. Exciting stuff happening here and it's all out of the box-- much further than I expected or imagined.
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