today

I am kind of weird in many ways- one of which is that I like people to really like me. So, last night at my party I wanted everyone to have a great time. Things were going really well, everyone was having fun, laughing and I was running around serving. I have learned a lot about serving from "common grace" and it was so much fun to spend the day getting ready for a fun night. It was nice to be able to give to people and not have them worry about anything.
It was all going great- I had managed to get everyone here (a massive task since I have not been able to find my own house the first few days!). We had eaten, had ice cream and had moved the party outside for tea, coffee and cards. I was busy getting tea, saying bye to those leaving early- so I wasn't a very good phase 10 player. I was playing with Cali, FTF, All-American (really, he is- air-force academy and all!) and Steps (she walks about 700 steps down one mountain and up another to get to school).
I have had a hard time getting to know Steps. She thinks I am "DTS" because I graduated from there (and for her that is a bad thing). She has a very particular view of theology - and seems to like being right. I can't really knock her for that, because when I was her age I was the same way. I think she thinks of me as competition for friends (which is funny because I am not sure that I "fit" with any of her friends.) Anyway, she was playing last night and I was scattered. So, after 3 "phases" I was the only one who hadn't even passed the first phase! So, I was complaining and whining. I said something like "i should just quit- I am never going to win! I am the only one still on phase 1!!!" And she turned to me and said "the whining must stop right now. No more!"
I was mad. I mean, it wasn't like I was really whining! And on top of that- didn't I deserve a bit of whining! I had been serving all of them all night- I mean COME ON!!!!! And then I was hurt, because i knew that she was right. And then I started thinking about how she fits better with the crowd at my house then I do. I mean, she is more "stereotypical" Church than I am. And that turned into a massive comparison fest- which at times I was winning and beating her to a pulp! and at others I was on in the depths of the Dead Sea! I was exhausted, happy for a great party and yet crushed because of my comparison fest.
I grabbed my Bible (actually it is a translation of Matthew written in novel form- and I am loving reading it!) I was reading the sermon on the mount....always a kicker if I am comparing. The translation read: Don't worry about tomorrow, living faithfully today is enough work.
It hit me- I was just spending my time trying to figure out 1) how do I manipulate the situation so that I look better 2) how do I worship these people so that they like me 3) how do I prove my worth- aka that I am better than her 4) how do I make sure that I "fit" with those around me.....I wasn't thinking about living faithfully today.
I was in tears. I spent the rest of my tired energy confessing, and begging to be reminded to live faithfully.
When I was trying to decide what I was going to do after graduation- when I was thinking of PhD, life in the States (where I can find my place really well), or life overseas (where I can't communicate and just trying to buy lettuce turns into a production-getting disinfectant for the vegetables, don't know how to ask for it, forgot to have my lettuce weighed, etc.etc.)
Anyway- I was struggling, trying to decide what to do. And one of my close friends was preaching on Rom. He was talking about how God asks us to live faithfully- no matter what we do, that is the task.
So, here I am, months later and still struggling to live faithfully - to live a life of love, grace, hope and faith. To live as if I have (and I have) been redeemed by the cross and resurrection and coming return of Christ. To live faithfully.
Today, not worried about tomorrow- live faithfully today! Oh, may it be so!