bored with too much to do

yes, that sounds like an oxymoron but that is Ramadan! It seems that the days seem to drag by with no where to go and nothing to do. And then the evenings are the only time you can go out and get food, coffee, shop, etc. So, we spend our evenings out- and then we return to a day of boredom :)
But, I have been playing a lot with ideas about what's "next" and seem to have fallen on to a few good ideas. They are still in the early early early stages- but I have spent most of the week trying it out. It has been fun to see how there might just be a way that my love for creativity, people, peace and reconciliation, Beirut, Arabic and theology might actually be used in the same place at the same time. I never would have dreamed it! And now that I have "found" it (I feel like I have discovered something that was made for me in the first place)I would have never guessed that I would have "picked" this- but now I can't imagine doing anything else!!!
So, stay tuned as I fine tune this and get it to a place that I can tell people about- right now it needs to be refined and worked out a bit more (so that the questions are less :) and so that you guys can better understand where I am coming from, where I am going and how this fits in my life and the story of the Gospel)
so- it has been a fun ride over the last few days - and stay tuned :)

almost funny story

so I have this friend, we will call him Jee, cause he is a refugee. He is here with his mom and sister (who has down syndrome) and they are waiting for the UN to give them the go ahead to leave (hopefully they will be resettling in the UK so they can be closer to other family members and friends that have been resettled in Europe- but if not, then they are headed to the US.
Anyway.....
He has decided that if he is going to move to England he needs to have an English accent (his english is REALLY good, but he speaks with an "american dialect" as he calls it!) So, the other day he asked me to talk like a Brit and I told him that all you have to do is keep your upper lip still when you are talking. Well, last night he brought this up again. He was telling me that as a Arab it is impossible to keep your lips still while talking. "Even if I hold it completely still...." he said while grabbing his face and pulling it tight back towards his ears- "I can't do it!"
it was HYSTERICAL :)
Oh, the drama!

thinking and dreaming

I have had a few days of eating and my brain seem sto have returned :) I have had a great few days with extra time to think and dream and I am excited about what might happen after Arabic. I think I needed to sit and think about "what's next" to get me over this next ridge in the Arabic language learning!
I am having fun tutoring with my friends- they are helping me stay on task and push forward. We are having some great lessons on storytelling and culture. We are learning lots- not just Arabic but about the culture and how to better interact with it.
I have some great ideas that might be horrible plans :0 but it is fun to think about how I can get this idea of mine into action -

ramadan Kareem

Allah Akram- that is, Ramadan is generous- God is more Generous.
That is the greeting that we say these days- a constant reminder of how generous God really is.
I have been fasting- made it 3 days- and I don't think I can make it any more. This is really hard- no water when it is almost 100 degrees all day (and we got excited when it dropped below 85 in our house last night at like 2 am!) is really hard. I have arabic lessons from 12:30-2:30 in the afternoon and it has become apparent that lessons without water are a waste of money!:) So, I am postponing the "no drinking" part for now- I might return to it....
It has been really hard for the last two days. I haven't been hungry, the food I eat at night takes care of most of the hunger. But a burning thirst begins at 3 o'clock and gets worse as the minutes tick by. I have spent all afternoon looking at the clock wishing the call to prayer :) so I can DRINK!!! Finally at 7 pm, the ban on food and drink in public is lifted - and the fast is broken. Last night, I waited to eat for almost 2 hours- but I drank a liter of iced tea, 1/2 a liter of water and half a can of pepsi in the first 30 min. I was "allowed" !!!!!
I can't really explain "thirst" because as an American, I had never really experienced it until this week. I mean, I have been thirsty- but I have always been able to quench that thirst within a few minutes to an hour of me thinking "I am thirsty." To sit all afternoon in the state of "thirsty" - that I have never done before until now!!!
I am grateful for the new understanding I have of Ramadan- but I am so grateful that God is truly generous and has lavished me with grace. Because tomorrow when it is 100 degrees out- I will be happily drinking water and thanking God for His abundantly generous grace!!!!

ramadan

this is the first day of Ramadan....so we are all in our houses, very little traffic on the street- all waiting for tonight when we can eat, drink and celebrate.
This is a month when muslims all around the world fast during the daylight hours from food, water, smoking, thinking bad things, doing bad things, etc. etc. It is in an effort to show their dedication to God. Wikipedia explains it as "Fasting is meant to teach the person patience and humility. Ramadan is a time to fast for the sake of God, and to offer even more prayer than usual. Also, asking forgiveness for the sins of the past, asking for guidance in the future, and asking for help with refraining from every day evils and try to purify oneself through self-restraint and good deeds is involved in Ramadan."
This is a time of deep spirituality in some and deep hypocrisy in others. Some take this fast very seriously and struggle with remaining pure for the whole month. Others put on a great facade of not eating and drinking and in their homes they eat and they do not try to purify themselves at all (I have had more people try to cheat me in Ramadan than in any other month :)!)
I have decided that I am going to experience Ramadan and try to fast (like them, with no water in this really hot country right now) for a little while. I have talked to my neighbors and told them that I am a follower of Jesus and that I am going to fast so that I can pray for them. They were all really excited that I, as a foreign Christian, would join in with them on this cultural/religious holiday.
It has been REALLY hard not to eat or drink today - I have looked at the clock like 15 times and keep telling myself "6 more hours" and stuff like that :)
But I am hoping that this will help me identify more with my surrogate people, and help me focus this month on not complaining about Ramadan but rather joining them in prayer that they will find forgiveness of sins and hope for the future.

the breadth of God's love

I think that when Paul prayed that the Ephesians would know the breadth, height, depth and length of God's love- I always thought he was talking about God's love for them. But this week I have been learning that the "breadth" of God's love might just mean that I look beyond myself and see that God loves all who trust in His Son- not just me. I am not sure why this has been such a huge lesson to learn- maybe because I like to compare myself to others and see how and why I am more "deserving" of God's love than they. I compare our theology, my lifestyle, how I interpret the culture here, how well I fit in the culture here, how dumb they are for acting like that is THE way things have to be done- etc. etc. etc.
But as I look at the breadth of God's love and how He loves us all not on the basis of our own righteousness or our own merit- I see, how I too can embrace others that might have very different ideas or who are also struggling on this path and hoping in the Gospel.
I read this prayer today "We thank you that in your presence all our brothers (and sisters) are the more surely present with us; for we know them to be included in the breadth of Your love. We give thanks that you have tied us together in this bundle of life and have ordained that none of us should live to himself alone."

hot and tired

As you can tell, I have been a little busy. I am going to school in the mornings and teaching in non-air-conditioned and what's worse- non-fanned!!! rooms until 2:40 and then I make the mad dash to finish up homework, walk a bit and catch a taxi and make it to tutoring at 3:30. I am there until 5:30 and then I have to come home, eat, do homework and rest a bit! :)
So, I am glad that this teaching gig is almost over- 2 more days!
I have a ton of homework- I wrote down like 2 full pages of vocab today- so-- I must go-

Helping out-

It appears that the Baptist school here is in a bit of a pinch. So, I am headed up there to teach 4th grade english until they can find a teacher. I hope that this is only for the week or so but I think it will help them a lot, let me serve them and also will allow me another bridge so that I can volunteer there again this semester. So, although it was not in the plans to get up at 6:15 on Sat. am for school - I guess I am going to get another lesson in serving :)

the roof

there are moments when you just relax and know that you are at home. Yesterday, this happened as I sat up on our roof. The roofs here are not pitched but flat. Ours has a wall about waist high that goes all around it. It is (obviously) the size of our apartment and we have access to the whole thing. We put a table and some chairs up there and last night after a blistering hot day I went up to get some relief from the heat. The sun was down and the heat was going away by the minute. A cool breeze picked up and the city was all lit up. There is a huge mosque that is in plain view from the roof and it was in its weird way beautiful sitting there above the city. The Intercontinental Hotel is about 1 block away and they had live music on their roof- so I was able to listen for free! It was fun to look out and see this really expensive hotel out to the left and me on my roof enjoying the night for free!
I took a strand of Christmas lights and ran it to the roof so that I would have some light and then got some books- no arabic ones, just books- and read for a bit in the cool night air. I am so glad that Amman gets cooler at night and that I have a roof to enjoy it!
As I was getting to go in, someone on the mountain facing us decided to shoot off some fireworks. I got to enjoy the 5 min. display and laugh at how great it was that I love fireworks so much! This is the place to live if you love fireworks- they go off almost every night in the summer.
So, after a hot day of tutoring and walking it was SO nice to be able to escape to the roof!

olympics

this week has been one of getting the apartment set up. It is a bit harder here where places don't deliver like they do in the US and there are no places to rent trucks or moving companies. But my roomie, elle, has done a great job of getting it all set up. I have my room all together- even hung a few things up today.
It is hot here, so pretty much nothing happens in the afternoons. I now understand why there is such a thing as a "siesta" because the last few days it has been too hot to do anything in the afternoon but lay in front of the fan and try not to move!
I am getting back into Arabic- I have been tutoring all week and then start with my "group" on Sun.
I am trying to stay focused, use my Arabic and enjoy life here as much as possible. It is weird knowing that I will be done in a few months and then will be moving on. It makes the time here a little sweeter in some ways.
It is funny to see what they show in the Olympics here. We have seen lots and lots of soccer, some basketball, more Equestrian stuff that I knew existed, all of the rifling and archery and occasionally we will wee a glance of the diving, swimming or a review of the gymnastics for the day. It has been funny to see how we value sports so differently! who knew that watching the Olympics would be so cultural!

learning

i think that learning is the hardest thing. I mean, we all learn things everyday. We all know that "knowing is half the battle" and that to know something you had to learn it. We weren't born with much knowledge....we have all learned it.
You would think that my "professional student" self would have learned that learning requires having a need. But, I am realizing more than ever that being a "learner" means being "needy." It means admitting that someone else is more "expert" than I. It means that I listen, take in and change. It means that when I sit and order incorrectly in arabic, that I take the rebuke and correction of my friends. I admit that they are experts in Arabic and I am just learning.
This is hard for me- I want to make sure I am more of an expert than them in something- comparing myself to them so that I don't feel so stupid. I act like "well, you might speak better Arabic than me, but I speak better English!" like, I am saved by how well I speak English :0 or Arabic :0
Slowly, I am seeing that there is beauty in being a learner- admitting weakness and receiving from others.

life back in Amman

So, I have totally enjoyed my new house- I am waiting to send pictures until I get all the furniture in and it looks more like a "home." But it is in a great location- I can walk to my favorite coffee shops, to school for tutoring and even have the best shawarma joint in the city about 2 min. up the hill!
It is fantastic!!
I am walking a lot (it it the cheapest way to travel, good for your health and also helps in fighting global warming :)!!) and I love it. It is fun to be on the streets of a city and experience it's life as you go from place to place.
My friend comes in from Mufrak (a city up near Syria) tomorrow and we are going to have fun all day. Then it is Sunday- the last day to catch up before tutoring begins- and then I start back on Mon.
I am excited to be back- but don't really want to start studying :0 I have enjoyed the break! But I am sure that the toughest thing is just beginning....so I must go and begin :)

back in amman

and loving it!!!
i have a great apartment thanks to ell (my new room mate) and it is in the best location and I am on my second cup of coffee from my favorite coffee shop on earth....it is good to be back.

New picture website

I had to change web hosts for my pictures, so there is a new look (much more simple) 0 the link has been fixed- so it still takes you to my pictures- but don't freak out if it looks differently!!!!

the US

So it is weird to be back in the US- so many trees!!!
I can flush my toilet paper, I can eat mexican and no one understands me when I speak Arabic!
But it is good to see family and sit on the carpet :)

reflections from a busy week

I had no idea that I would be this busy my last week in country. It seems that everyone is realizing that the long days of studying at a coffee shop and then eating Arabic food, walking around shopping for anything in the Balad, and the laughs and fun as we meet up at each other's houses- all of this will be ending for the summer, and for some of us- forever (or at least the foreseeable future). So, we have been hanging out at every possible moment. Parties have sprung up at least 4 nights this week :) and in addition to all of that we have had to get things ready to go- buy gifts, pack and re-pack my bags (which are in 2 places, so I was packing yet again in the "garage" this time, in a basement storage area - yick! i hope this is not a trend!) And then last minute buys in the Balad, goodbyes to a great family that has taken interest in me, and today- movie and party...tomorrow, church and party and then..the last few days to get everything in order.
It has been a crazy week- but weirdly enough, it has been a week of reflection. This isn't always good. Sometimes as I look back on my year, I compare it to others and get a fake salvation dervied of my own brain. But this week has also been mingled with true reflection. Listening to things that I need to change, repenting and taking steps to fix them.
I also read this book on forgiveness- and there was this line about the church being a place where you "celebrate forgiveness" It was such a beautiful picture to me of how we as a Body are not to be people that act as if we have got it down, understand redemption and now have it totally, never failing in any way. no, we are a community of people who are broken, healing and breaking again- and sometimes breaking other people in the process- and we are to be a place that celebrates forgiveness.

changes

this week has been on of facing changes. My old room-mate decided to go to back to the States for good, I finished Arabic and I am thinking about the summer and coming back- all riddled with changes. I have found a new room-mate (I think) and I have decided what gifts to buy, what to take back with me- now just to decide what I will be doing for the summer!
I know that the next few months will be changes and fun - so I am just trying to get ready for them!

good friends

this week has been a week of randomly catching up with good friends. I got two emails this week- one from a friend in NZ and the other from a friend in LA. It was great to hear from them, and to be reminded of how God has placed meaningful people in my life at every stage. These friends are friends from DTS and I remember the days and nights and laughs and chats and good times we shared. It was such a time of growth for me and I feel totally blessed that God gave me these girls to walk with on that leg of the journey..and even now. I was so encouraged and loved catching up with them and I was reminded of how wonderful it is to be in the Body! It was great to have sisters in Christ, trying to follow Him in very different places in their lives (and in the world) but we are united in our love for Jesus and our gratefulness to Him for our friendship!

language?

Well, I got my language assessment back yesterday. There are 10 levels- 1 being not so much and 10 being I can talk about everything for hours! i scored somewhere between a 5-7. That is, i consistently scored a 5 and got up to level 7 as I was talking. The peopel scoring the test thought that I was probably a 6 over all. So....that is not bad after a year- and it means that I have to conquer the vocabulary beast once more next year!!!!

really no plan b?

I have been struck with my attempts to redeem myself lately. The most blaring was tonight where we (me and 7 other singles from my church) headed over to the pastor's house to eat and play games. It was a great night...but I found myself immediately vying for position in the group- sizing up the girls to see if I had competition (for what???) and then the boys. I didn't think about living in grace- I thought about proving myself, making my mark. Why do I do this??????
I left wondering if I did enough, if I impressed them enough, if I saved myself by being cool enough.....this is a miserable way to live.
I thought back to a place where I heard people laughing loudly with no thought of what it sounded like...where people cried freely, where people were free! And I knew that I blew a chance to carve out a little space for grace tonight. Instead I filled it with comparison and competition. I missed my chance to be free in the redemption that comes from Christ alone, not how well I impress a group of strangers. I fell back into plan b- redemption by self.
YICK