the US

So it is weird to be back in the US- so many trees!!!
I can flush my toilet paper, I can eat mexican and no one understands me when I speak Arabic!
But it is good to see family and sit on the carpet :)

reflections from a busy week

I had no idea that I would be this busy my last week in country. It seems that everyone is realizing that the long days of studying at a coffee shop and then eating Arabic food, walking around shopping for anything in the Balad, and the laughs and fun as we meet up at each other's houses- all of this will be ending for the summer, and for some of us- forever (or at least the foreseeable future). So, we have been hanging out at every possible moment. Parties have sprung up at least 4 nights this week :) and in addition to all of that we have had to get things ready to go- buy gifts, pack and re-pack my bags (which are in 2 places, so I was packing yet again in the "garage" this time, in a basement storage area - yick! i hope this is not a trend!) And then last minute buys in the Balad, goodbyes to a great family that has taken interest in me, and today- movie and party...tomorrow, church and party and then..the last few days to get everything in order.
It has been a crazy week- but weirdly enough, it has been a week of reflection. This isn't always good. Sometimes as I look back on my year, I compare it to others and get a fake salvation dervied of my own brain. But this week has also been mingled with true reflection. Listening to things that I need to change, repenting and taking steps to fix them.
I also read this book on forgiveness- and there was this line about the church being a place where you "celebrate forgiveness" It was such a beautiful picture to me of how we as a Body are not to be people that act as if we have got it down, understand redemption and now have it totally, never failing in any way. no, we are a community of people who are broken, healing and breaking again- and sometimes breaking other people in the process- and we are to be a place that celebrates forgiveness.

changes

this week has been on of facing changes. My old room-mate decided to go to back to the States for good, I finished Arabic and I am thinking about the summer and coming back- all riddled with changes. I have found a new room-mate (I think) and I have decided what gifts to buy, what to take back with me- now just to decide what I will be doing for the summer!
I know that the next few months will be changes and fun - so I am just trying to get ready for them!

good friends

this week has been a week of randomly catching up with good friends. I got two emails this week- one from a friend in NZ and the other from a friend in LA. It was great to hear from them, and to be reminded of how God has placed meaningful people in my life at every stage. These friends are friends from DTS and I remember the days and nights and laughs and chats and good times we shared. It was such a time of growth for me and I feel totally blessed that God gave me these girls to walk with on that leg of the journey..and even now. I was so encouraged and loved catching up with them and I was reminded of how wonderful it is to be in the Body! It was great to have sisters in Christ, trying to follow Him in very different places in their lives (and in the world) but we are united in our love for Jesus and our gratefulness to Him for our friendship!

language?

Well, I got my language assessment back yesterday. There are 10 levels- 1 being not so much and 10 being I can talk about everything for hours! i scored somewhere between a 5-7. That is, i consistently scored a 5 and got up to level 7 as I was talking. The peopel scoring the test thought that I was probably a 6 over all. So....that is not bad after a year- and it means that I have to conquer the vocabulary beast once more next year!!!!

really no plan b?

I have been struck with my attempts to redeem myself lately. The most blaring was tonight where we (me and 7 other singles from my church) headed over to the pastor's house to eat and play games. It was a great night...but I found myself immediately vying for position in the group- sizing up the girls to see if I had competition (for what???) and then the boys. I didn't think about living in grace- I thought about proving myself, making my mark. Why do I do this??????
I left wondering if I did enough, if I impressed them enough, if I saved myself by being cool enough.....this is a miserable way to live.
I thought back to a place where I heard people laughing loudly with no thought of what it sounded like...where people cried freely, where people were free! And I knew that I blew a chance to carve out a little space for grace tonight. Instead I filled it with comparison and competition. I missed my chance to be free in the redemption that comes from Christ alone, not how well I impress a group of strangers. I fell back into plan b- redemption by self.
YICK

"these incomplete times"

I can across this line yesterday in Les Mes. It said something like these are the symptoms of "the incomplete times we find ourselves in." I thought this was a great line describing the life we lead this side of the resurrection but still waiting for the return...an incomplete time when we know what things should be like and we are waiting for them to be completed.
I then came "home" to find out that the issues in Lebanon have finally come to a head. There is fighting and my favorite part of town is once again the dividing line between the 2 factions- my favorite street where I spent many a day at Starbucks is now in opposition control.
For some reason, the issues in Lebanon continue to break my heart more and more. I wept this morning as I watched coverage of a Lebanese mom and her child trying to avoid gunfire. The kid smiled when he saw the camera and started goofing off- only to be interrupted by terrible gunfire and he began to scream, totally petrified. his mother was weeping...knowing that the protection she wanted to offer her child was really just an allusion in this kind of conflict.
And today, all I can think is...these incomplete times, these incomplete times....come complete them Jesus!

finishing up

I am officially done with 3rd semester!!!!! YEAH!!!!! I have worked hard- really hard- on my Arabic and it is nice to finally feel some accomplishment. Not that finishing a book makes you speak Arabic by any means, but there is some sense of progress to being out of books and into conversational Arabic only. We also finished our written Arabic book (which some people don't finish, even in 4th semester) and we are on to the next book. It is a lot more vocabulary (something that I am pretty sure I have hit saturation point with - I don't think that any vocab will even seep into the cracks of this full brain right now!)
but along with finishing up this year of really hard study, there is a time of reflection and evaluation. And because I am studying language, the only way to evaluate is to compare. And this is really awful! Because it means that I can pick who I want to compare myself with and always end up on top. It seems that I use comparison as my favorite past time to make me better than everyone else - yick!!!
So, I am trying to compare myself to native speakers so that I will see the need for more study and at the same time rejoice in my progress without getting boastful- oh, the trials of living in the curse!

another great blog

but not from me! Today at the mission posted anther great blog on life,hope and being born again.
"All of creation groans as it awaits redemption and I believe - to the soles of my feet believe - that this redemption will come. I have hope, true hope, that there is a welcoming light and love beyond this life and in that hope - and for that hope - I live, seeking to drape it like a comforting shawl over the shoulders of others, seeking to draw others into that light. This is no small part of what it means, I believe, to be born again: that in all of our weakness and failings, in all of our brokenness and pain we become the carriers of hope, the birthing mothers of hope, the womb of redemption, the nursery of restoration. We become hope."
need I say more?

song that has been running through my head

There is this great Rich Mullins song that has been running through my head the last few days. It is a great song about the motivation and purpose of our life...the love of God. I remember that Amy Carmichael's life motto was "love to live, live to love" and I have certainly tried to adopt it as mine too. But this song makes me tear up as I think about how much loving tears apart the flesh, how it makes me vulnerable to betrayal, how it gives me friends that are closer than family (and how it might take those friends away). It isn't boxed, it isn't just given to those who kneel...it is flung to the farthest reaches in the beauty of this world and it cuts me to my core as all selfishness is burned in it's path. The Love of God is not this hallmark card of good wishes- it is a raging fury that catches me and hurls me forward into yet more love.

There's a wideness in God's mercy
I cannot find in my own
And He keeps His fire burning
To melt this heart of stone
Keeps me aching with a yearning
Keeps me glad to have been caught
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

Now I've seen no band of angels
But I've heard the soldiers' songs
Love hangs over them like a banner
Love within them leads them on
To the battle on the journey
And it's never gonna stop
Ever widening their mercies
And the fury of His love

Oh the love of God
And oh, the love of God
The love of God

Joy and sorrow are this ocean
And in their every ebb and flow
Now the Lord a door has opened
That all Hell could never close
Here I'm tested and made worthy
Tossed about but lifted up
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

day with friends

Yesterday I ended up spending the day with friends- it went from tutoring to a B-day party to a movie...it was a 2-3 hour deal that turned into an all day affair. It was really fun to just "be" with people that I normally see everyday but rarely get to "hang out" with them. We ended up watching "pan's Labyrinth" It is this slightly creepy, really intense fairy tale set in Spain during the civil war. It is all in spanish, I think that adds to the creepiness of it in some way. Anyway, it is a great story about beauty in the midst of real ugliness and life out of death. I can't tell you too much- this is definitely one that you want to watch and enjoy, not read the spoilers! It was a great reminder of the story of Redemption we have in the Cross, Resurrection and Return of Christ.
I had a pretty slow day today- tutoring and then a bit of house cleaning and such...now I am just hanging out in "my" house catching up on emails, blogs and such. Hard to believe that I have just a month left before my summer break! part of me can't wait- the other part thinks that my arabic is really going to suffer after all the time I have speaking English!

counting down

I have finally reached a place where I can say i have "18 lessons" left. It is a nice feeling knowing that this endless study and constant pressure to review vocabulary will at some point end (or at least I will get a break).
This week has been a good one- lots of hanging out with friends, lots of Arabic and lots of coffee. (I have become a huge fan of coffee, even drink it black!)
So, it has been a good week. I hope to take some pictures today and get them on the web...but the internet connection is sketchy so that might not happen today- I will confirm when they are up

Easter

I woke up at the call to prayer this morning and walked over to my church to catch a bus to Mt. Nebo for an Easter sunrise service. As we were making our way up to the mountain, I sleepily looked out the window. It was beautiful in the pre-sun light. The clouds rolled in and I saw lighting in the distance. A smile burst on to my face at the sight. We don't normally get thunderstorms around here- and we haven't had much rain....and it is supposed to rain in April. But all of this changed this Easter and it rained just long enough to clear out the sand and dust that have been in the air for the last few weeks. We had a great service (in doors) and celebrated the resurrection and the hope of Christ's return. Then, after the service I went for a walk to take in the view. It was pretty amazing. There I stood (and it was almost clear) and I could see over the Jordan river - and bits of the sea of Galilee- into Palestine. I stood where Moses once stood, looking into the promise. I was so excited as I thought about Moses' journey and all that entailed and how he spent his last days on this mountain looking at the promise. I thought about how great it was to stand on this mountain of promise on Easter and remember the promise of Christ's return.
I came home, rested and ate sugar! Dr. Pepper tastes so good after no sugar for 40 days :)
Then, I went to a friends house to celebrate with friends. It was a great time hanging out in the fantastic weather chatting and laughing. I had some great conversations and was able to reflect on the hope that we have in the resurrection and Jesus' return- may it come soon!
Then, went to another party for more celebration and then went over to Affreak's to watch a movie...something else I haven't done in 40 days.
I think that this time of lent has been really good as I counted down the days and prepared for Easter. As I read the story of the passion week this week, celebrated good friday and then came to Sun- the day of the resurrection- I was so excited and ready to celebrate that I was disappointed that Jesus didn't come back to join me in my partying! May He come soon!

Good Friday

It is Good Friday here in Jordan. We celebrate the Eastern Orthodox Easter so we are just now finishing our 40 days of lent and counting down the days to the celebration of the resurrection.
I have been mulling the idea of this day around in my head for a while- all that happened on this day, all the pain and hurt that our Saviour endured...all the hope that was purchased on the Cross. I have been thinking today about the hope of the resurrection....how as I wait for the return of Christ I am waiting for the completion of redemption- when creation will be redeemed, when Death will be defeated, when Love will reign and all will be on earth as it is in Heaven.
I don't know if this year Good Friday has a new sting because this year I have experienced the pain of death (with Rob and Grandma) or if I am just growing up and seeing more of the effects of sin in the world (and in me, unfortunately) but I am aching today for His return....
It is weird because embedded in that ache is a joy unspeakable and a breath-taking pain...it is the reality of my sin and need for His return to allow me to worship Him without sin. It is the hope that one day I will see Him who bought my redemption with His blood.
It is in this emotionally mixed ache that I wait today...focusing on His return- may it come now!

twirlie dresses

Last night I had the rare chance of sneaking off and sitting at a coffee shop (yes, it was starbucks, but I didn't drink coffee! And we just got a Caribou Coffee- can you believe it??? So, I won't have to be a starbucksy for long!) Anyway, I was sitting at the coffee shop and not studying Arabic- that is what made it rare. I was sitting there devouring Les Miserables (the unabridged 1200 page version, to keep my english up!) And I was watching all these people walking by enjoying the great weather. There was this group of men sitting and chatting and this little girl kept calling out to her father (one of the men) "watch me!" She was really cute, dressed in this red twirlie dress. She just kept spinning and spinning- until she would almost fall over and then start again. She kept doing this; totally immersed in her beauty as her father glanced at her spinning her pretty dress.
It just hit- this picture of freedom, beauty and love. I remember spinning my twirlie dresses (I know, this might be hard for some of you to picture) As I looked at that girl I realized that all was right in her little world because she was beautiful and her father was watching. Sometimes I forget the joy of being watched by our Father- how he sees us swimming and twirling in His grace and how beautiful it is that He is watching us, giving us good things and rejoices in the redemption He is working in the midst of our madness. I thought of my spinning life- decisions, language, travel, moving houses over and over, culture exploding at weird intervals that catch me off guard and make me "work" at being here, friends, plans, fears- all spinning and I don't think of any of it as beautiful! But seeing that girl revel in her father's glance...I thought of how beautiful life is when I am spinning around in grace!

Pride comes before a REALLY bad Arabic Lesson

It seems that everyone knows the proverb "Pride comes before the fall" but the lesser known "Pride comes before the REALLY bad Arabic lesson" is getting more traction these days in my life. As some of you know, I am tutoring my Arabic studies now and I am doing most of them with Affreak (He is Canadian but grew up in Africa - hence the name- A for the canadians that are always saying it -studying Arabic now, ay? - and the Arabic word for Africa is Afreek). He is a great tutoring partner and I am having fun studying with him. Last week, he was going to be out of town and I was going camping so we had to re-arrange our tutoring and I did most of it just me. He had already done the lessons (so that he wouldn't fall behind) so the pace was set and I just had to keep up. Both lessons I finished "faster" and I started thinking I was something. Then my tutor told me that she only knows 3 people currently studying Arabic that are better than me (and Affreak of course) and that includes those who have been studying for 4 semesters! So then I really thought I was something! I went through the whole weekend thinking that I was doing great in Arabic.....only to walk into today's lesson and forget EVERYTHING!!! No really, when your tutor asks you if you feel ok, if you did your homework and then exclaims- Never, you have Never done this poorly! You know that it isn't a good lesson.
I was quickly reminded that I am not saved by how well I speak Arabic ad went on through the day....I just wonder why it takes me falling to remember that I am saved by grace!
Well, today I am just glad that I was reminded so quickly- even that is grace! And since I know I am going to fall, I am glad that I get to fall on Grace! Now, to learn to stand in it.......

lunch

I started teaching English a few weeks ago at an English center down in the Balad. I have a class of mostly men and only one girl. Last week, Lahali (that is, the girl in my class) asked if I wanted to come to her house. Of course, I said yes and we made plans for me to go on Friday. I woke up with major allergy issues this morning and really didn't want to go- but she called and confirmed that I was coming so I knew there was no chance that she was going to forget the plans!
So, I took off to meet her for an afternoon of food, Arabic and fun! I got to her house (after being invited to her wedding- which hopefully will happen before I leave for the States) and was met by her mom and sisters. It was great to be able to fall into conversation immediately. This was the first time that I was in an Arab home when I felt like I could actually communicate, tell stories and laugh along with them. It was fantastic. Then we went out to the table to enjoy our lunch under there grape vines. They showed me the coming grapes (so small I could barely see them) and then the food started coming, and coming an coming. They made enough food to feed an army. A HUGE plate of taboulieh, grape leaves and then "Oozie" (it is this rice, carrots, peas and browned bits of lamb base with baked chicken on the top- really YUMMY!). They made me 4 huge plates of food and the proceeded to tell me "eat!" If you have never been to an Arabic household you have never experienced the commands of "eat" over and over and over. Eating a lot is a sign that the food is good, eating is also a sign that you are accepting the hospitality. They serve a ton of food because they want you to be able to have your fill. If you are pecking at the food it is like saying that you are worried about their supplies and want to make sure you leave enough for everyone else. This is not a good thing!
So, I sat there with my mouth full and listened to them tell me "eat!" or "you haven't eaten anything!" or my personal favorite, looking at my over half eaten chicken and saying, "you didn't have ANY chicken!" I enjoyed a fantabulous meal and then we moved into the lounge to continue the chatting and have tea (or what I would describe as sugar with some tea to make it float!) They wanted to know about my family so I got out the family picture and showed off! It made me really miss being at home (just a few more weeks!)! They asked all bout them (what they do, how old are they, where they lived) and I was able to chat about the family that has lived in this part of the world, Dad's work and everything else that they asked about!
It was a great day! I was so encouraged that my Arabic had come this far in such a short time! (Not that I am fluent or anything like it- but I am able to chat and it feels good!) I was also happy to be in another Arabic household, this time as a member of the events not an observer of them. It is kind of funny, because one of the reasons that I was worried about going was that I wasn't sure I had enough energy to sit and try to understand them....but that wasn't an issue at all as I was involved in all the conversations! Fun times!

Karaoke

On Thursdays here in Amman, we have Karaoke at a local restaurant. It is a fun night of arabic music, dancing and fun! It is normally packed out- tables full of college aged boys, college aged girls- all dressed to kill. They then proceed to fight the feedback from the speakers as they sing. It is quite the adventure! We sat there and sipped our drinks (I had a killer Lemonade and Mint! They have the best in town!) as we listened to the habibiis (the Arabic version of honey) blast over the sound system. I wanted to sing...but I couldn't decide on a song. It was a toss up between "Country Road" by John Denver and the all time classic "We are the World" :) I was waiting for someone to pick an English song (I didn't want to usurp the evening with my English song) and no one seemed interested in singing anything but "Habibii!" We sat and waited, laughed at the dancing and people trying to sing...it was fun!
It is always fun to have new things to do- and karaoke at Del Silva is a winner in Amman!

what's next?

As my time here begins to wind down and I am trying to decide what will come next, I have had many opportunities come across my path (and many more that I have hunted down) but in the last few weeks one has come by that I can't seem to shake!
I knew that when I came to Jordan that I was coming here to learn Arabic- not exactly to live forever. I also knew that I was learning Arabic so that I could work with Refugees or in Reconciliation- or both. I wasn't sure how this was going to work or where this might be...but I knew that it was something that I couldn't shake and it would work out somehow.
About a month ago, I inquired about a program that I found out about while studying in Dallas. It was my last semester and I was looking for a Prof. to read my Senior Paper. I thought that I would use the "easiest" but at the last minute, I decided to go with the one that I thought would help me understand my topic. I landed on Dr. Pyne and it was a great choice! He was involved in reading a dissertation on peace and forgiveness. We chatted a lot about peace, forgiveness and ways to make it a reality in the lives of people that have endured atrocities. Dr. Pyne left DTS to be involved in an organization that was doing everything that we had been talking about all semester. He joined "ALARM" (African Leadership and Reconciliation Ministries) which is led by C. Musekura. Born in Rwanda, Celestin understands the need for forgiveness in the midst of atrocities. They are working in many African countries, including Sudan.
Last month, I inquired to see if they have any internship/training opportunities in Sudan. To my surprise, Dr. Pyne replied and asked for more information. I sent it and then the next thing I knew he was asking if I would move to Khartoum! I then got another email from Celestin and he asked more questions. After I answered them, he asked me to start praying about moving to Khartoum for a while and be trained in their reconciliation methods.
I am thrilled at this opportunity. It is something that I have been interested in for a long time but was not sure how I was going to be able to do it. Now, there is the opportunity for me to live in an Arabic country and learn how to be involved in reconciliation in the midst of a war torn country. I know that although this seems like a great opportunity, it is going to be very hard. Sudan is not exactly a fun place to live (it is extremely hot, it has been war-torn for many years and now the genocide continues in the south. The people that I will be teaching will not think that forgiveness means say "I am sorry" but rather it means forgive the people that chopped up your sons in front of your eyes! And on top of all of this, there aren't many creature comforts - no fast food, no coffee shops, etc.)
I am not sure when or how this will take place, but I am certainly praying that as I finish up my Arabic in the next year that I will have the details all worked out!
oh- if you want to read more- check out http://alarm-inc.org/

next year

I dropped by the school I want to go to next year- and I LOVED IT!!! It was a great facility, the people are super nice and there were a great group of eclectic people there- locals, foreigners- it wasn't all white people :) I am going to love studying there!
Also, I am working on an internship in Sudan after I finish studying. I would be able to work with a group that is doing reconciliation work there and it would be a chance of a lifetime! They seem pretty excited because I have a ThM and I can speak Arabic (or so I think). It will be a great opportunity and I hope all the details get worked out so that I can go! I have no idea when or how long- but we are working on it!
Exciting stuff!
I am still moving around at the mercy of my friends- but that too might change soon :0 so I have a lot going on - outside of Arabic, teaching and camping :)