No Plan B

hope

2008-11-05T04:29:00.000-08:00

there is a lot being said about hope and change these days- as tears welled up in my eyes listening to the new African- American president talk of all that our country has been through, of all the people that have been overlooked that now feel like they are in the picture again, of all that this new presidential term brings - I was reminded of the power of hope. Not just hope in an idea, or a really strong wish that things get better- but hope in things not seen.
I came home from our all night election party (yes, we didn't sleep- sat and watched as state after state came in and then finally at 7 am Obama declared victory) I came in and searched for a book to read something about hope- something that could channel all the feelings I had towards my real redemption- and I came across this quote from Moltmann
"The resurrection hope makes people ready to live their lives in love wholly, and to say a full and entire Yes to a life that leads to death. It does not withdraw the human soul from the bodily, sensory life; it ensouls this life with unending joy. In expectation of the resurrection of the dead, the person who hopes casts away the soul's protective cloak in which the wounded heart has wrapped itself."
May I live outside of that protective cloak living in this world wrapped in the hope of His return (and trusting nothing else for my redemption!)

new friends

2008-10-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

I sat in the room at the only table. The open window at my back allowed the cold autumn breeze into the cramped space. Before me was the queen size bed used by the married couple and then the twin bed that "ammo" uses, the 82 year old dad. There is a wardrobe piled high with black trash bags pulled tight over the few treasures they have left. To my right is the refrigerator and then the television. This is their house- all of it. The bathroom is outside and the kitchen is "housed" in the area between the doors- all outside. It is small, cramped and barely functional. But this doesn't stop them from opening their house to me, feeding me, helping me with Arabic and helping me understand their story.
They are from Iraq- Samantha (Sam) and Winston (their real names have been changed to protect the innocent!) They have been living here in Amman for 7 years. They came before the war started and although it has been hard to be jobless and live in such a cramped space, they are thrilled that they don't have memories of war to also deal with. Winston was working in Kuwait and after the first Gulf War things got difficult for him there. So, he wanted to go back to Iraq but things were really hard with the sanctions and the quality of life was not good. He had heard that a war with America was coming and didn't want his dad and wife to have to live through it. They made their way to Amman, piled into a cramped space and have been getting by on teaching English for 3 dollars and hour, random work at the Red Crescent (He has a psychology degree and helps with counseling there) and other jobs to get food on the table. (Iraqis are not allowed to work in Jordan) It is a far cry from life in "pre-first-gulf-war- Iraq" or the life he led in Kuwait- but it is all they have for now.
I sat there with them today, feeling so incredibly comfortable and loved. We talked of things here in Amman, their work at the Red Crescent and things then moved to the situation in Iraq. I was telling them of my desire to share the stories of people here in the Middle East so that we (Americans, Jordanians, Iraqis, Lebanese, etc) can learn to love and forgive. They then started telling me of friends that have had their husbands, wives, and/or children killed in the war. They told me story after story of people here in Amman who have lived through various terrors of war. They told me the statistics that are on the news "10,000 widows, 5 million refugees, 1 million killed and 5 million orphans" I stop and ask them again - 5 million orphans?
Yes, 5 million.
But where do they live now? In Iraq?
Yes, some are getting paid by the Militias, others have become criminals, and others scour the trash for something to eat.

I pause- and look around the room. This is a heavy conversation. Emotions are high- the toll of war has been tasted by these people, they have escaped experiencing it but know so many that haven't been so lucky.
I look at Ammo. He is crying. Tears roll down his face as he remembers the Iraq that once was and thinks of the Iraq that is now.
I begin to cry - these precious people. Without a home, without a country, family still stuck in Iraq with no hope of escape- and so many more like them.
I sat there thinking about Gee- his new life in England, his experiences of war and how his leaving the Middle East will change his family forever.
I sat there thinking how messed up this world is...and how I want Jesus to come back-
and that I am happy that He has given me this opportunity to share in the lives of this precious family until He does!

good bye

2008-10-23T03:30:00.000-07:00

I hate goodbyes - they are like ripping out a piece of your heart and then trying to wrap it all nice and neat so that someone can carry it to their new home. I feel like this year has been a year of goodbyes- Dutch Boy, Freek Boy, FTP, and now Gee- it is great that I now have friends all over America and in the Middle east and soon, England- but it is really no fun to have to say goodbye.
All day today I have had the line in the song "after the last goodbye" with the idea that there will be a day when I won't have to say goodbye any more. On that day we will live as one family around the Throne of God- and there will be no more goodbyes or separation of any kind! May this be my last Goodbye- come Lord Jesus!

been a long time

2008-10-22T11:34:00.000-07:00

it has been a long time since I have been blogging- I have so much to say- Syria, Lebanon, talking to people about my new idea and how it will work in Beirut, more ideas to think about, working with Mom and others at Dental Clinics last week, tutoring, Gee getting re-settled to england next week, spending time with him, helping him get ready to go, meeting a new Iraqi family today and having the sweetest time as they gave to me out of their little and served me as if I was a queen!!
It has been a great day- I have so much more to say- but I thought I would at least say something and write more stories later! I am still trying to clean out my email inbox from not being on the internet for 3 weeks- when that is done, the blogging will commence :)

eid

2008-09-30T02:43:00.001-07:00

so it is eid here- that means that Ramadan is over!!!!! Praise God - and that there are 3-5 days of holiday where the people here celebrate making it through the 30 days of fasting and eat and have parties!
Mom is coming tonight and we are planning a trip around a bit to see things, friends and some of the sites :) It should be fun!
I am very excited- have been planning and thinking about this week since last year- so I can't wait to get it going....but now I have to wait until Mom gets here, wait to get at borders and all of that- but waiting builds excitement :)

servanthood

2008-09-24T01:59:00.000-07:00

I am reading this book on servanthood and I have run across several great ideas and fantastic quotes- the one from today is "Serving people means helping people look more like Christ not like us" (Duane Elmer)
I just sat back for a few minutes to think about all that means. I think that I tend to think of things that I do in my Christianity as "good" and that other people should eventually think like me :) but realizing that serving people does not mean making them clones of me has drastic consequences. It might mean that the people I pour my life into don't think like me, don't like the things I do and don't even believe exactly like I do. (i would hope that they would eventually come to believe in the core doctrine of my faith, but the way they live that out might be very different from me)
I am beginning to realize that serving means truly thinking of others as more important than yourself - even if their ideas are weird and hard and wrong to me. It means valuing them and not trying to change them- but serve them and learn from them and honor them....just like they are.
boy do I have a long way to go!

sick

2008-09-18T04:04:00.000-07:00

it seems that fall in Amman means that I will get sick- it happened last fall and then the last few days I have been sick. I had some sort of stomach bug- probably because I ate unwashed strawberries (I rinsed them off but was in a hurry and didn't use any soap or anything) but I am feeling better now and hope to have dinner out with friends tonight to celebrate my recovery!

bored with too much to do

2008-09-14T04:51:00.000-07:00

yes, that sounds like an oxymoron but that is Ramadan! It seems that the days seem to drag by with no where to go and nothing to do. And then the evenings are the only time you can go out and get food, coffee, shop, etc. So, we spend our evenings out- and then we return to a day of boredom :)
But, I have been playing a lot with ideas about what's "next" and seem to have fallen on to a few good ideas. They are still in the early early early stages- but I have spent most of the week trying it out. It has been fun to see how there might just be a way that my love for creativity, people, peace and reconciliation, Beirut, Arabic and theology might actually be used in the same place at the same time. I never would have dreamed it! And now that I have "found" it (I feel like I have discovered something that was made for me in the first place)I would have never guessed that I would have "picked" this- but now I can't imagine doing anything else!!!
So, stay tuned as I fine tune this and get it to a place that I can tell people about- right now it needs to be refined and worked out a bit more (so that the questions are less :) and so that you guys can better understand where I am coming from, where I am going and how this fits in my life and the story of the Gospel)
so- it has been a fun ride over the last few days - and stay tuned :)

almost funny story

2008-09-05T11:16:00.001-07:00

so I have this friend, we will call him Jee, cause he is a refugee. He is here with his mom and sister (who has down syndrome) and they are waiting for the UN to give them the go ahead to leave (hopefully they will be resettling in the UK so they can be closer to other family members and friends that have been resettled in Europe- but if not, then they are headed to the US.
Anyway.....
He has decided that if he is going to move to England he needs to have an English accent (his english is REALLY good, but he speaks with an "american dialect" as he calls it!) So, the other day he asked me to talk like a Brit and I told him that all you have to do is keep your upper lip still when you are talking. Well, last night he brought this up again. He was telling me that as a Arab it is impossible to keep your lips still while talking. "Even if I hold it completely still...." he said while grabbing his face and pulling it tight back towards his ears- "I can't do it!"
it was HYSTERICAL :)
Oh, the drama!

thinking and dreaming

2008-09-05T11:12:00.000-07:00

I have had a few days of eating and my brain seem sto have returned :) I have had a great few days with extra time to think and dream and I am excited about what might happen after Arabic. I think I needed to sit and think about "what's next" to get me over this next ridge in the Arabic language learning!
I am having fun tutoring with my friends- they are helping me stay on task and push forward. We are having some great lessons on storytelling and culture. We are learning lots- not just Arabic but about the culture and how to better interact with it.
I have some great ideas that might be horrible plans :0 but it is fun to think about how I can get this idea of mine into action -

ramadan Kareem

2008-09-03T15:16:00.000-07:00

Allah Akram- that is, Ramadan is generous- God is more Generous.
That is the greeting that we say these days- a constant reminder of how generous God really is.
I have been fasting- made it 3 days- and I don't think I can make it any more. This is really hard- no water when it is almost 100 degrees all day (and we got excited when it dropped below 85 in our house last night at like 2 am!) is really hard. I have arabic lessons from 12:30-2:30 in the afternoon and it has become apparent that lessons without water are a waste of money!:) So, I am postponing the "no drinking" part for now- I might return to it....
It has been really hard for the last two days. I haven't been hungry, the food I eat at night takes care of most of the hunger. But a burning thirst begins at 3 o'clock and gets worse as the minutes tick by. I have spent all afternoon looking at the clock wishing the call to prayer :) so I can DRINK!!! Finally at 7 pm, the ban on food and drink in public is lifted - and the fast is broken. Last night, I waited to eat for almost 2 hours- but I drank a liter of iced tea, 1/2 a liter of water and half a can of pepsi in the first 30 min. I was "allowed" !!!!!
I can't really explain "thirst" because as an American, I had never really experienced it until this week. I mean, I have been thirsty- but I have always been able to quench that thirst within a few minutes to an hour of me thinking "I am thirsty." To sit all afternoon in the state of "thirsty" - that I have never done before until now!!!
I am grateful for the new understanding I have of Ramadan- but I am so grateful that God is truly generous and has lavished me with grace. Because tomorrow when it is 100 degrees out- I will be happily drinking water and thanking God for His abundantly generous grace!!!!

ramadan

2008-09-01T03:59:00.000-07:00

this is the first day of Ramadan....so we are all in our houses, very little traffic on the street- all waiting for tonight when we can eat, drink and celebrate.
This is a month when muslims all around the world fast during the daylight hours from food, water, smoking, thinking bad things, doing bad things, etc. etc. It is in an effort to show their dedication to God. Wikipedia explains it as "Fasting is meant to teach the person patience and humility. Ramadan is a time to fast for the sake of God, and to offer even more prayer than usual. Also, asking forgiveness for the sins of the past, asking for guidance in the future, and asking for help with refraining from every day evils and try to purify oneself through self-restraint and good deeds is involved in Ramadan."
This is a time of deep spirituality in some and deep hypocrisy in others. Some take this fast very seriously and struggle with remaining pure for the whole month. Others put on a great facade of not eating and drinking and in their homes they eat and they do not try to purify themselves at all (I have had more people try to cheat me in Ramadan than in any other month :)!)
I have decided that I am going to experience Ramadan and try to fast (like them, with no water in this really hot country right now) for a little while. I have talked to my neighbors and told them that I am a follower of Jesus and that I am going to fast so that I can pray for them. They were all really excited that I, as a foreign Christian, would join in with them on this cultural/religious holiday.
It has been REALLY hard not to eat or drink today - I have looked at the clock like 15 times and keep telling myself "6 more hours" and stuff like that :)
But I am hoping that this will help me identify more with my surrogate people, and help me focus this month on not complaining about Ramadan but rather joining them in prayer that they will find forgiveness of sins and hope for the future.

the breadth of God's love

2008-09-01T03:47:00.000-07:00

I think that when Paul prayed that the Ephesians would know the breadth, height, depth and length of God's love- I always thought he was talking about God's love for them. But this week I have been learning that the "breadth" of God's love might just mean that I look beyond myself and see that God loves all who trust in His Son- not just me. I am not sure why this has been such a huge lesson to learn- maybe because I like to compare myself to others and see how and why I am more "deserving" of God's love than they. I compare our theology, my lifestyle, how I interpret the culture here, how well I fit in the culture here, how dumb they are for acting like that is THE way things have to be done- etc. etc. etc.
But as I look at the breadth of God's love and how He loves us all not on the basis of our own righteousness or our own merit- I see, how I too can embrace others that might have very different ideas or who are also struggling on this path and hoping in the Gospel.
I read this prayer today "We thank you that in your presence all our brothers (and sisters) are the more surely present with us; for we know them to be included in the breadth of Your love. We give thanks that you have tied us together in this bundle of life and have ordained that none of us should live to himself alone."

hot and tired

2008-08-27T09:09:00.000-07:00

As you can tell, I have been a little busy. I am going to school in the mornings and teaching in non-air-conditioned and what's worse- non-fanned!!! rooms until 2:40 and then I make the mad dash to finish up homework, walk a bit and catch a taxi and make it to tutoring at 3:30. I am there until 5:30 and then I have to come home, eat, do homework and rest a bit! :)
So, I am glad that this teaching gig is almost over- 2 more days!
I have a ton of homework- I wrote down like 2 full pages of vocab today- so-- I must go-

Helping out-

2008-08-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

It appears that the Baptist school here is in a bit of a pinch. So, I am headed up there to teach 4th grade english until they can find a teacher. I hope that this is only for the week or so but I think it will help them a lot, let me serve them and also will allow me another bridge so that I can volunteer there again this semester. So, although it was not in the plans to get up at 6:15 on Sat. am for school - I guess I am going to get another lesson in serving :)

the roof

2008-08-22T07:12:00.000-07:00

there are moments when you just relax and know that you are at home. Yesterday, this happened as I sat up on our roof. The roofs here are not pitched but flat. Ours has a wall about waist high that goes all around it. It is (obviously) the size of our apartment and we have access to the whole thing. We put a table and some chairs up there and last night after a blistering hot day I went up to get some relief from the heat. The sun was down and the heat was going away by the minute. A cool breeze picked up and the city was all lit up. There is a huge mosque that is in plain view from the roof and it was in its weird way beautiful sitting there above the city. The Intercontinental Hotel is about 1 block away and they had live music on their roof- so I was able to listen for free! It was fun to look out and see this really expensive hotel out to the left and me on my roof enjoying the night for free!
I took a strand of Christmas lights and ran it to the roof so that I would have some light and then got some books- no arabic ones, just books- and read for a bit in the cool night air. I am so glad that Amman gets cooler at night and that I have a roof to enjoy it!
As I was getting to go in, someone on the mountain facing us decided to shoot off some fireworks. I got to enjoy the 5 min. display and laugh at how great it was that I love fireworks so much! This is the place to live if you love fireworks- they go off almost every night in the summer.
So, after a hot day of tutoring and walking it was SO nice to be able to escape to the roof!

olympics

2008-08-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

this week has been one of getting the apartment set up. It is a bit harder here where places don't deliver like they do in the US and there are no places to rent trucks or moving companies. But my roomie, elle, has done a great job of getting it all set up. I have my room all together- even hung a few things up today.
It is hot here, so pretty much nothing happens in the afternoons. I now understand why there is such a thing as a "siesta" because the last few days it has been too hot to do anything in the afternoon but lay in front of the fan and try not to move!
I am getting back into Arabic- I have been tutoring all week and then start with my "group" on Sun.
I am trying to stay focused, use my Arabic and enjoy life here as much as possible. It is weird knowing that I will be done in a few months and then will be moving on. It makes the time here a little sweeter in some ways.
It is funny to see what they show in the Olympics here. We have seen lots and lots of soccer, some basketball, more Equestrian stuff that I knew existed, all of the rifling and archery and occasionally we will wee a glance of the diving, swimming or a review of the gymnastics for the day. It has been funny to see how we value sports so differently! who knew that watching the Olympics would be so cultural!

learning

2008-08-17T06:11:00.000-07:00

i think that learning is the hardest thing. I mean, we all learn things everyday. We all know that "knowing is half the battle" and that to know something you had to learn it. We weren't born with much knowledge....we have all learned it.
You would think that my "professional student" self would have learned that learning requires having a need. But, I am realizing more than ever that being a "learner" means being "needy." It means admitting that someone else is more "expert" than I. It means that I listen, take in and change. It means that when I sit and order incorrectly in arabic, that I take the rebuke and correction of my friends. I admit that they are experts in Arabic and I am just learning.
This is hard for me- I want to make sure I am more of an expert than them in something- comparing myself to them so that I don't feel so stupid. I act like "well, you might speak better Arabic than me, but I speak better English!" like, I am saved by how well I speak English :0 or Arabic :0
Slowly, I am seeing that there is beauty in being a learner- admitting weakness and receiving from others.

life back in Amman

2008-08-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

So, I have totally enjoyed my new house- I am waiting to send pictures until I get all the furniture in and it looks more like a "home." But it is in a great location- I can walk to my favorite coffee shops, to school for tutoring and even have the best shawarma joint in the city about 2 min. up the hill!
It is fantastic!!
I am walking a lot (it it the cheapest way to travel, good for your health and also helps in fighting global warming :)!!) and I love it. It is fun to be on the streets of a city and experience it's life as you go from place to place.
My friend comes in from Mufrak (a city up near Syria) tomorrow and we are going to have fun all day. Then it is Sunday- the last day to catch up before tutoring begins- and then I start back on Mon.
I am excited to be back- but don't really want to start studying :0 I have enjoyed the break! But I am sure that the toughest thing is just beginning....so I must go and begin :)

back in amman

2008-08-13T07:32:00.001-07:00

and loving it!!!
i have a great apartment thanks to ell (my new room mate) and it is in the best location and I am on my second cup of coffee from my favorite coffee shop on earth....it is good to be back.

New picture website

2008-07-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

I had to change web hosts for my pictures, so there is a new look (much more simple) 0 the link has been fixed- so it still takes you to my pictures- but don't freak out if it looks differently!!!!

the US

2008-06-04T04:03:00.000-07:00

So it is weird to be back in the US- so many trees!!!
I can flush my toilet paper, I can eat mexican and no one understands me when I speak Arabic!
But it is good to see family and sit on the carpet :)

reflections from a busy week

2008-05-30T00:12:00.000-07:00

I had no idea that I would be this busy my last week in country. It seems that everyone is realizing that the long days of studying at a coffee shop and then eating Arabic food, walking around shopping for anything in the Balad, and the laughs and fun as we meet up at each other's houses- all of this will be ending for the summer, and for some of us- forever (or at least the foreseeable future). So, we have been hanging out at every possible moment. Parties have sprung up at least 4 nights this week :) and in addition to all of that we have had to get things ready to go- buy gifts, pack and re-pack my bags (which are in 2 places, so I was packing yet again in the "garage" this time, in a basement storage area - yick! i hope this is not a trend!) And then last minute buys in the Balad, goodbyes to a great family that has taken interest in me, and today- movie and party...tomorrow, church and party and then..the last few days to get everything in order.
It has been a crazy week- but weirdly enough, it has been a week of reflection. This isn't always good. Sometimes as I look back on my year, I compare it to others and get a fake salvation dervied of my own brain. But this week has also been mingled with true reflection. Listening to things that I need to change, repenting and taking steps to fix them.
I also read this book on forgiveness- and there was this line about the church being a place where you "celebrate forgiveness" It was such a beautiful picture to me of how we as a Body are not to be people that act as if we have got it down, understand redemption and now have it totally, never failing in any way. no, we are a community of people who are broken, healing and breaking again- and sometimes breaking other people in the process- and we are to be a place that celebrates forgiveness.

changes

2008-05-24T06:23:00.000-07:00

this week has been on of facing changes. My old room-mate decided to go to back to the States for good, I finished Arabic and I am thinking about the summer and coming back- all riddled with changes. I have found a new room-mate (I think) and I have decided what gifts to buy, what to take back with me- now just to decide what I will be doing for the summer!
I know that the next few months will be changes and fun - so I am just trying to get ready for them!

good friends

2008-05-22T13:07:00.000-07:00

this week has been a week of randomly catching up with good friends. I got two emails this week- one from a friend in NZ and the other from a friend in LA. It was great to hear from them, and to be reminded of how God has placed meaningful people in my life at every stage. These friends are friends from DTS and I remember the days and nights and laughs and chats and good times we shared. It was such a time of growth for me and I feel totally blessed that God gave me these girls to walk with on that leg of the journey..and even now. I was so encouraged and loved catching up with them and I was reminded of how wonderful it is to be in the Body! It was great to have sisters in Christ, trying to follow Him in very different places in their lives (and in the world) but we are united in our love for Jesus and our gratefulness to Him for our friendship!

language?

2008-05-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I got my language assessment back yesterday. There are 10 levels- 1 being not so much and 10 being I can talk about everything for hours! i scored somewhere between a 5-7. That is, i consistently scored a 5 and got up to level 7 as I was talking. The peopel scoring the test thought that I was probably a 6 over all. So....that is not bad after a year- and it means that I have to conquer the vocabulary beast once more next year!!!!

really no plan b?

2008-05-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

I have been struck with my attempts to redeem myself lately. The most blaring was tonight where we (me and 7 other singles from my church) headed over to the pastor's house to eat and play games. It was a great night...but I found myself immediately vying for position in the group- sizing up the girls to see if I had competition (for what???) and then the boys. I didn't think about living in grace- I thought about proving myself, making my mark. Why do I do this??????
I left wondering if I did enough, if I impressed them enough, if I saved myself by being cool enough.....this is a miserable way to live.
I thought back to a place where I heard people laughing loudly with no thought of what it sounded like...where people cried freely, where people were free! And I knew that I blew a chance to carve out a little space for grace tonight. Instead I filled it with comparison and competition. I missed my chance to be free in the redemption that comes from Christ alone, not how well I impress a group of strangers. I fell back into plan b- redemption by self.
YICK

"these incomplete times"

2008-05-09T02:07:00.000-07:00

I can across this line yesterday in Les Mes. It said something like these are the symptoms of "the incomplete times we find ourselves in." I thought this was a great line describing the life we lead this side of the resurrection but still waiting for the return...an incomplete time when we know what things should be like and we are waiting for them to be completed.
I then came "home" to find out that the issues in Lebanon have finally come to a head. There is fighting and my favorite part of town is once again the dividing line between the 2 factions- my favorite street where I spent many a day at Starbucks is now in opposition control.
For some reason, the issues in Lebanon continue to break my heart more and more. I wept this morning as I watched coverage of a Lebanese mom and her child trying to avoid gunfire. The kid smiled when he saw the camera and started goofing off- only to be interrupted by terrible gunfire and he began to scream, totally petrified. his mother was weeping...knowing that the protection she wanted to offer her child was really just an allusion in this kind of conflict.
And today, all I can think is...these incomplete times, these incomplete times....come complete them Jesus!

finishing up

2008-05-07T23:05:00.000-07:00

I am officially done with 3rd semester!!!!! YEAH!!!!! I have worked hard- really hard- on my Arabic and it is nice to finally feel some accomplishment. Not that finishing a book makes you speak Arabic by any means, but there is some sense of progress to being out of books and into conversational Arabic only. We also finished our written Arabic book (which some people don't finish, even in 4th semester) and we are on to the next book. It is a lot more vocabulary (something that I am pretty sure I have hit saturation point with - I don't think that any vocab will even seep into the cracks of this full brain right now!)
but along with finishing up this year of really hard study, there is a time of reflection and evaluation. And because I am studying language, the only way to evaluate is to compare. And this is really awful! Because it means that I can pick who I want to compare myself with and always end up on top. It seems that I use comparison as my favorite past time to make me better than everyone else - yick!!!
So, I am trying to compare myself to native speakers so that I will see the need for more study and at the same time rejoice in my progress without getting boastful- oh, the trials of living in the curse!

another great blog

2008-05-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

but not from me! Today at the mission posted anther great blog on life,hope and being born again.
"All of creation groans as it awaits redemption and I believe - to the soles of my feet believe - that this redemption will come. I have hope, true hope, that there is a welcoming light and love beyond this life and in that hope - and for that hope - I live, seeking to drape it like a comforting shawl over the shoulders of others, seeking to draw others into that light. This is no small part of what it means, I believe, to be born again: that in all of our weakness and failings, in all of our brokenness and pain we become the carriers of hope, the birthing mothers of hope, the womb of redemption, the nursery of restoration. We become hope."
need I say more?

song that has been running through my head

2008-05-03T02:39:00.000-07:00

There is this great Rich Mullins song that has been running through my head the last few days. It is a great song about the motivation and purpose of our life...the love of God. I remember that Amy Carmichael's life motto was "love to live, live to love" and I have certainly tried to adopt it as mine too. But this song makes me tear up as I think about how much loving tears apart the flesh, how it makes me vulnerable to betrayal, how it gives me friends that are closer than family (and how it might take those friends away). It isn't boxed, it isn't just given to those who kneel...it is flung to the farthest reaches in the beauty of this world and it cuts me to my core as all selfishness is burned in it's path. The Love of God is not this hallmark card of good wishes- it is a raging fury that catches me and hurls me forward into yet more love.

There's a wideness in God's mercy
I cannot find in my own
And He keeps His fire burning
To melt this heart of stone
Keeps me aching with a yearning
Keeps me glad to have been caught
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

Now I've seen no band of angels
But I've heard the soldiers' songs
Love hangs over them like a banner
Love within them leads them on
To the battle on the journey
And it's never gonna stop
Ever widening their mercies
And the fury of His love

Oh the love of God
And oh, the love of God
The love of God

Joy and sorrow are this ocean
And in their every ebb and flow
Now the Lord a door has opened
That all Hell could never close
Here I'm tested and made worthy
Tossed about but lifted up
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

day with friends

2008-05-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I ended up spending the day with friends- it went from tutoring to a B-day party to a movie...it was a 2-3 hour deal that turned into an all day affair. It was really fun to just "be" with people that I normally see everyday but rarely get to "hang out" with them. We ended up watching "pan's Labyrinth" It is this slightly creepy, really intense fairy tale set in Spain during the civil war. It is all in spanish, I think that adds to the creepiness of it in some way. Anyway, it is a great story about beauty in the midst of real ugliness and life out of death. I can't tell you too much- this is definitely one that you want to watch and enjoy, not read the spoilers! It was a great reminder of the story of Redemption we have in the Cross, Resurrection and Return of Christ.
I had a pretty slow day today- tutoring and then a bit of house cleaning and such...now I am just hanging out in "my" house catching up on emails, blogs and such. Hard to believe that I have just a month left before my summer break! part of me can't wait- the other part thinks that my arabic is really going to suffer after all the time I have speaking English!

counting down

2008-05-01T22:44:00.000-07:00

I have finally reached a place where I can say i have "18 lessons" left. It is a nice feeling knowing that this endless study and constant pressure to review vocabulary will at some point end (or at least I will get a break).
This week has been a good one- lots of hanging out with friends, lots of Arabic and lots of coffee. (I have become a huge fan of coffee, even drink it black!)
So, it has been a good week. I hope to take some pictures today and get them on the web...but the internet connection is sketchy so that might not happen today- I will confirm when they are up

Easter

2008-04-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

I woke up at the call to prayer this morning and walked over to my church to catch a bus to Mt. Nebo for an Easter sunrise service. As we were making our way up to the mountain, I sleepily looked out the window. It was beautiful in the pre-sun light. The clouds rolled in and I saw lighting in the distance. A smile burst on to my face at the sight. We don't normally get thunderstorms around here- and we haven't had much rain....and it is supposed to rain in April. But all of this changed this Easter and it rained just long enough to clear out the sand and dust that have been in the air for the last few weeks. We had a great service (in doors) and celebrated the resurrection and the hope of Christ's return. Then, after the service I went for a walk to take in the view. It was pretty amazing. There I stood (and it was almost clear) and I could see over the Jordan river - and bits of the sea of Galilee- into Palestine. I stood where Moses once stood, looking into the promise. I was so excited as I thought about Moses' journey and all that entailed and how he spent his last days on this mountain looking at the promise. I thought about how great it was to stand on this mountain of promise on Easter and remember the promise of Christ's return.
I came home, rested and ate sugar! Dr. Pepper tastes so good after no sugar for 40 days :)
Then, I went to a friends house to celebrate with friends. It was a great time hanging out in the fantastic weather chatting and laughing. I had some great conversations and was able to reflect on the hope that we have in the resurrection and Jesus' return- may it come soon!
Then, went to another party for more celebration and then went over to Affreak's to watch a movie...something else I haven't done in 40 days.
I think that this time of lent has been really good as I counted down the days and prepared for Easter. As I read the story of the passion week this week, celebrated good friday and then came to Sun- the day of the resurrection- I was so excited and ready to celebrate that I was disappointed that Jesus didn't come back to join me in my partying! May He come soon!

Good Friday

2008-04-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

It is Good Friday here in Jordan. We celebrate the Eastern Orthodox Easter so we are just now finishing our 40 days of lent and counting down the days to the celebration of the resurrection.
I have been mulling the idea of this day around in my head for a while- all that happened on this day, all the pain and hurt that our Saviour endured...all the hope that was purchased on the Cross. I have been thinking today about the hope of the resurrection....how as I wait for the return of Christ I am waiting for the completion of redemption- when creation will be redeemed, when Death will be defeated, when Love will reign and all will be on earth as it is in Heaven.
I don't know if this year Good Friday has a new sting because this year I have experienced the pain of death (with Rob and Grandma) or if I am just growing up and seeing more of the effects of sin in the world (and in me, unfortunately) but I am aching today for His return....
It is weird because embedded in that ache is a joy unspeakable and a breath-taking pain...it is the reality of my sin and need for His return to allow me to worship Him without sin. It is the hope that one day I will see Him who bought my redemption with His blood.
It is in this emotionally mixed ache that I wait today...focusing on His return- may it come now!

twirlie dresses

2008-04-22T14:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the rare chance of sneaking off and sitting at a coffee shop (yes, it was starbucks, but I didn't drink coffee! And we just got a Caribou Coffee- can you believe it??? So, I won't have to be a starbucksy for long!) Anyway, I was sitting at the coffee shop and not studying Arabic- that is what made it rare. I was sitting there devouring Les Miserables (the unabridged 1200 page version, to keep my english up!) And I was watching all these people walking by enjoying the great weather. There was this group of men sitting and chatting and this little girl kept calling out to her father (one of the men) "watch me!" She was really cute, dressed in this red twirlie dress. She just kept spinning and spinning- until she would almost fall over and then start again. She kept doing this; totally immersed in her beauty as her father glanced at her spinning her pretty dress.
It just hit- this picture of freedom, beauty and love. I remember spinning my twirlie dresses (I know, this might be hard for some of you to picture) As I looked at that girl I realized that all was right in her little world because she was beautiful and her father was watching. Sometimes I forget the joy of being watched by our Father- how he sees us swimming and twirling in His grace and how beautiful it is that He is watching us, giving us good things and rejoices in the redemption He is working in the midst of our madness. I thought of my spinning life- decisions, language, travel, moving houses over and over, culture exploding at weird intervals that catch me off guard and make me "work" at being here, friends, plans, fears- all spinning and I don't think of any of it as beautiful! But seeing that girl revel in her father's glance...I thought of how beautiful life is when I am spinning around in grace!

Pride comes before a REALLY bad Arabic Lesson

2008-04-21T00:26:00.000-07:00

It seems that everyone knows the proverb "Pride comes before the fall" but the lesser known "Pride comes before the REALLY bad Arabic lesson" is getting more traction these days in my life. As some of you know, I am tutoring my Arabic studies now and I am doing most of them with Affreak (He is Canadian but grew up in Africa - hence the name- A for the canadians that are always saying it -studying Arabic now, ay? - and the Arabic word for Africa is Afreek). He is a great tutoring partner and I am having fun studying with him. Last week, he was going to be out of town and I was going camping so we had to re-arrange our tutoring and I did most of it just me. He had already done the lessons (so that he wouldn't fall behind) so the pace was set and I just had to keep up. Both lessons I finished "faster" and I started thinking I was something. Then my tutor told me that she only knows 3 people currently studying Arabic that are better than me (and Affreak of course) and that includes those who have been studying for 4 semesters! So then I really thought I was something! I went through the whole weekend thinking that I was doing great in Arabic.....only to walk into today's lesson and forget EVERYTHING!!! No really, when your tutor asks you if you feel ok, if you did your homework and then exclaims- Never, you have Never done this poorly! You know that it isn't a good lesson.
I was quickly reminded that I am not saved by how well I speak Arabic ad went on through the day....I just wonder why it takes me falling to remember that I am saved by grace!
Well, today I am just glad that I was reminded so quickly- even that is grace! And since I know I am going to fall, I am glad that I get to fall on Grace! Now, to learn to stand in it.......

lunch

2008-04-18T11:39:00.002-07:00

I started teaching English a few weeks ago at an English center down in the Balad. I have a class of mostly men and only one girl. Last week, Lahali (that is, the girl in my class) asked if I wanted to come to her house. Of course, I said yes and we made plans for me to go on Friday. I woke up with major allergy issues this morning and really didn't want to go- but she called and confirmed that I was coming so I knew there was no chance that she was going to forget the plans!
So, I took off to meet her for an afternoon of food, Arabic and fun! I got to her house (after being invited to her wedding- which hopefully will happen before I leave for the States) and was met by her mom and sisters. It was great to be able to fall into conversation immediately. This was the first time that I was in an Arab home when I felt like I could actually communicate, tell stories and laugh along with them. It was fantastic. Then we went out to the table to enjoy our lunch under there grape vines. They showed me the coming grapes (so small I could barely see them) and then the food started coming, and coming an coming. They made enough food to feed an army. A HUGE plate of taboulieh, grape leaves and then "Oozie" (it is this rice, carrots, peas and browned bits of lamb base with baked chicken on the top- really YUMMY!). They made me 4 huge plates of food and the proceeded to tell me "eat!" If you have never been to an Arabic household you have never experienced the commands of "eat" over and over and over. Eating a lot is a sign that the food is good, eating is also a sign that you are accepting the hospitality. They serve a ton of food because they want you to be able to have your fill. If you are pecking at the food it is like saying that you are worried about their supplies and want to make sure you leave enough for everyone else. This is not a good thing!
So, I sat there with my mouth full and listened to them tell me "eat!" or "you haven't eaten anything!" or my personal favorite, looking at my over half eaten chicken and saying, "you didn't have ANY chicken!" I enjoyed a fantabulous meal and then we moved into the lounge to continue the chatting and have tea (or what I would describe as sugar with some tea to make it float!) They wanted to know about my family so I got out the family picture and showed off! It made me really miss being at home (just a few more weeks!)! They asked all bout them (what they do, how old are they, where they lived) and I was able to chat about the family that has lived in this part of the world, Dad's work and everything else that they asked about!
It was a great day! I was so encouraged that my Arabic had come this far in such a short time! (Not that I am fluent or anything like it- but I am able to chat and it feels good!) I was also happy to be in another Arabic household, this time as a member of the events not an observer of them. It is kind of funny, because one of the reasons that I was worried about going was that I wasn't sure I had enough energy to sit and try to understand them....but that wasn't an issue at all as I was involved in all the conversations! Fun times!

Karaoke

2008-04-18T11:39:00.001-07:00

On Thursdays here in Amman, we have Karaoke at a local restaurant. It is a fun night of arabic music, dancing and fun! It is normally packed out- tables full of college aged boys, college aged girls- all dressed to kill. They then proceed to fight the feedback from the speakers as they sing. It is quite the adventure! We sat there and sipped our drinks (I had a killer Lemonade and Mint! They have the best in town!) as we listened to the habibiis (the Arabic version of honey) blast over the sound system. I wanted to sing...but I couldn't decide on a song. It was a toss up between "Country Road" by John Denver and the all time classic "We are the World" :) I was waiting for someone to pick an English song (I didn't want to usurp the evening with my English song) and no one seemed interested in singing anything but "Habibii!" We sat and waited, laughed at the dancing and people trying to sing...it was fun!
It is always fun to have new things to do- and karaoke at Del Silva is a winner in Amman!

what's next?

2008-04-17T05:07:00.000-07:00

As my time here begins to wind down and I am trying to decide what will come next, I have had many opportunities come across my path (and many more that I have hunted down) but in the last few weeks one has come by that I can't seem to shake!
I knew that when I came to Jordan that I was coming here to learn Arabic- not exactly to live forever. I also knew that I was learning Arabic so that I could work with Refugees or in Reconciliation- or both. I wasn't sure how this was going to work or where this might be...but I knew that it was something that I couldn't shake and it would work out somehow.
About a month ago, I inquired about a program that I found out about while studying in Dallas. It was my last semester and I was looking for a Prof. to read my Senior Paper. I thought that I would use the "easiest" but at the last minute, I decided to go with the one that I thought would help me understand my topic. I landed on Dr. Pyne and it was a great choice! He was involved in reading a dissertation on peace and forgiveness. We chatted a lot about peace, forgiveness and ways to make it a reality in the lives of people that have endured atrocities. Dr. Pyne left DTS to be involved in an organization that was doing everything that we had been talking about all semester. He joined "ALARM" (African Leadership and Reconciliation Ministries) which is led by C. Musekura. Born in Rwanda, Celestin understands the need for forgiveness in the midst of atrocities. They are working in many African countries, including Sudan.
Last month, I inquired to see if they have any internship/training opportunities in Sudan. To my surprise, Dr. Pyne replied and asked for more information. I sent it and then the next thing I knew he was asking if I would move to Khartoum! I then got another email from Celestin and he asked more questions. After I answered them, he asked me to start praying about moving to Khartoum for a while and be trained in their reconciliation methods.
I am thrilled at this opportunity. It is something that I have been interested in for a long time but was not sure how I was going to be able to do it. Now, there is the opportunity for me to live in an Arabic country and learn how to be involved in reconciliation in the midst of a war torn country. I know that although this seems like a great opportunity, it is going to be very hard. Sudan is not exactly a fun place to live (it is extremely hot, it has been war-torn for many years and now the genocide continues in the south. The people that I will be teaching will not think that forgiveness means say "I am sorry" but rather it means forgive the people that chopped up your sons in front of your eyes! And on top of all of this, there aren't many creature comforts - no fast food, no coffee shops, etc.)
I am not sure when or how this will take place, but I am certainly praying that as I finish up my Arabic in the next year that I will have the details all worked out!
oh- if you want to read more- check out http://alarm-inc.org/

next year

2008-04-15T04:06:00.000-07:00

I dropped by the school I want to go to next year- and I LOVED IT!!! It was a great facility, the people are super nice and there were a great group of eclectic people there- locals, foreigners- it wasn't all white people :) I am going to love studying there!
Also, I am working on an internship in Sudan after I finish studying. I would be able to work with a group that is doing reconciliation work there and it would be a chance of a lifetime! They seem pretty excited because I have a ThM and I can speak Arabic (or so I think). It will be a great opportunity and I hope all the details get worked out so that I can go! I have no idea when or how long- but we are working on it!
Exciting stuff!
I am still moving around at the mercy of my friends- but that too might change soon :0 so I have a lot going on - outside of Arabic, teaching and camping :)

Dana Reserve

2008-04-15T04:00:00.000-07:00

there is this nature reserve in Jordan. It contains four separate ecosystems (high desert, low desert, spring fed green mountains and the "river" bed that runs between these) It is full of rocky, craggy mountains and is beautiful! One of my good friends here (a canadian!) Offered to take me and I jumped at the opportunity to spend 2 days outside! We arrived to this breathtaking view of rocks, trees, flowers- it was amazing. There was a group from France there the first night so we had quite the adventure as we chatted in Arabic and my friend in french- at one point we were sitting around the camp fire drinking tea and one of the guides came up and started chatting with us. She was from Lebanon and we were speaking in Arabic. She then turned and spoke in french and told some of the french group that we were learning arabic. She explained that we made some mistakes but that it was really "cute" and that she was really impressed! It was fun to get the translation from C that night :) It made us feel like we were gaining in Arabic!
It was a great weekend and I will post pictures soon- - I hope :)

taxis and politics

2008-04-11T11:54:00.001-07:00

It is kind of fun getting into a taxi and asking who they think should be next American president. Most of them quickly state that although they love Americans, they hate our government (some more vehemently than others) We talk a bit and then they tell me that "wife Clinton" should be the next president. I then point out that Obama"s father was muslim, don't you think he would make a good president? "He is BLACK!" is almost always the response. (yes, racism is rampant here)
But yesterday, I had a very well read taxi driver that laid out the candidates and their platforms. He knew American politics really well. We started talking and I was quizzing him on what he thought was the answer to all of this mess in the region. He then started talking about Israel and their government...and then there was this phrase "they are not human." I knew this was coming, but never has it been said in such clear terms. I ached because I know that when one side of an argument thinks that the "enemy" is not human, they no longer "need" to treat them humanely. They can rationalize all of their "in-humane" treatment and do as they please (after all, if you treat a dog like a dog- no harm! but to treat a man like a dog, that is a crime. so, if you can convince yourself that they enemy is not human, you no longer have to attempt at humane treatment.)
But as I sat in the back of the car, aching because of the overwhelming problems facing this region, I was still thinking that maybe I have something to offer the reconciliation effort. It seems to come to my attention over and over and over again: the need for reconciliation and forgiveness. And although there are many expats here, many people seeking to make this country better- very few of them are interested in reconciliation.
So, in the midst of the Arabic frustration (150 vocab words THIS WEEK!!!) and the culture stress (being ripped off by taxi drivers is NO FUN!) and other stresses (moving houses, sorting out my luggage, time management issues) it was nice to be reminded of the end goal- a nice reminder of why I am torturing myself with this language stuff :)

random ramblings

2008-04-03T00:10:00.001-07:00

I don't really know what to write. I have had a pretty busy last couple of days. Yesterday I left the house at 8 and returned at 6 and had to study for another test...so I was busy until 10ish. Tuesday was even worse- left the house at 8am and then got back at 11:30pm. But I was able to hang out with some friends at a party - so it wasn't all work :)
It was crazy as I sat there (at the party) listening to the rowdy conversation, seeing Americans and Iraqis hanging out and having fun- and then I thought about the fact that all but 4 of those people will be gone in 2 months and they are not going to be returning to Amman. It is kind of weird to think of coming back and them not being here. Some of them have become lifelong friends in the last few months. I know that I will have more friends, and different friends next year - wherever I end up. But it is just weird to have the tides of change wash everything so clean so fast.
But in this time of change, we are trying to pack in great conversations and fun times as much as we can. It is like we all know this has a shelf life of 2 months and we are trying to wring out every last drop.
I had a great conversation with FTP about confession and leading by apology (yeah, I know that sounds weird, but we were talking about what it would look like if our "leaders" in the world didn't just say they weren't perfect but actually proved it by apologizing when they wronged us. What a difference that would make in our ides of "power" and "leadership." And then of course, that turned into a conversation about confession and how it is the fuel for my spiritual life. - it was a good conversation!)
And yesterday as I crammed for tests and walked around to tutoring and school - I was just reminded of how I too often crawl back into the darkness because I am afraid of what the light will show (and what I will have to change)...but I am beginning to see that life in the light just allows me to see grace more clearly!
Thanks for all of you who have been commenting on the blog. It means a lot to know that my random ramblings are being read (and that you guys care enough about me to care about what is going on in my life!) thanks!

confession

2008-03-31T09:41:00.000-07:00

I woke up in a funk today- remnants from the last post. I decided that what I needed to do was have a "me" day (i.e. worship everything that makes me feel good) to get out of the said funk. But then, I thought about it and decided that the funk was good if it was making me think about my need for grace and went for a shawarma instead. While I sat in the beautiful sun and ate my shawarma, I listened to Pastor Rick. It was a sermon that he preached before Easter about losing our lives for the Gospel. I realized while listening to that podcast that one of the reasons I have been so "unhappy" learning Arabic is that I hate serving. I hate the behind the scenes, no one sees me, I am doing something mundane, serving. I mean, I love to clean the kitchen when there are people there to see me serving- but sreve when no one sees! NO WAY! As Pastor Rick talked about losing my life for the Gospel, taking up my cross (and not comparing which cross is the heaviest) tears began to flow (What I sight! A crying American listening to her ipod! :) I am sure I was getting tons of stares!) I realized that this serving I am doing- serving people I probably don't even know yet, serving them by honoring them enough to speak their language, serving them by learning who they are, what their culture is like and trying to think more like them as I learn to think in Arabic- this serving wasn't going to get me mentioned in the DTS magazine, this serving wasn't going to get me notoriety back in the US and this serving wasn't really going to ever bring me fame. I know that I could go back to the US and use the gifts I have and work hard and get fame in some circle. I know that at least a few people would think that I was awesome....but that is not what I have been asked to do. I have been asked to pick up my cross and lose my life for the Gospel. That means that I have to die to a lot of things...and I have to serve silently in the background for YEARS!! As I learn to say "I don't have a preference!" or other "normal" things in Arabic...I have to spend, to some, waste, my time here learning- all to serve.
So, I sat there and confessed- my pride, my selfishness, my desire to be known and famous, my idea that I know best where and what I should be doing, the idea that I deserve something better than Amman, the idea that my training has made me "better" than helping in a kindergarten, that serving was for people who don't have any other options, not really loving, and so much more....
I left that table with a new desire to learn arabic, to love the kids in the kindergarten, to help people learn English at the English center (where I will start teaching next week) To love God and really believe that He (and His glory) are worth giving my life for (even though I might be giving it in bits and pieces, as I study vocabulary or walk around with a kid at school or teach someone how to say" how are you")

remembering

2008-03-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

WARNING: this blog contains real thoughts and feelings and may not be suitable for all readers.
This has been a crazy week...tons of homework, trying to get over my "vacation" whirlwind to Damascus and Beirut and then trying to move (or actually embark on the wandering lifestyle once again- 1 month stying with one friend, then 2 weeks somewhere else, then change again and then maybe change even again! I never thought I wanted a place of my own until now!!!) And then I have 3 tests this week and I am reminded of how my "do homework fast so I can play" mentality leaves a lot to be desired in my vocabulary retention!
But somewhere in the midst of this crazy week, I remembered a time when things were just as crazy (or maybe more?) And I was trying to say goodbye to a life in Dallas and my time of training there...but that time was so different. It made me really miss my friends at Common Grace- no, my family at CGM- and it made me think about how much I am still living what I learned there.
I am continually surprised at how easily I forget my need for grace. It is so weird to me because when I take the time to look, I see that everything is covered with this wonderful thing we call grace- but if I don't look...I just see me and my desires and my needs and my.....it is crazy how something so fundamental to my life can just be ignored- I guess it is like breathing. Don't notice it unless I pay attention- but without it I am dead.
I was thinking a lot about this today. I find myself in the midst of this culture that is so racist, so exterior centered, so works oriented and I see myself doubting whether or not grace really works. This is kind of scary to be writing- but it is true. I have felt a little lost and searching around for truth lately because there doesn't seem to be much room for the Gospel in my city- or neighborhood for that matter. And when you are trying to save the world, and you look back at 8 months in a place and you can't even see room for grace much less Grace- YIKES! It is pretty demoralizing. I have really been out of place within myself not knowing what to believe.
As I was thinking about this and my need to sit and remember grace- I came across a poem on the "mission today" website (http://mission.squarespace.com/ If you haven't read this- check it out!) Anyway, the poem is by Nancy and part of it says
"it is He (GOD) that knows the worth of us
and the worth of what we do
it is God that does the work
that we do not see
and it is so hard to understand this
to remember this
when things look dismal and unchanging
when the things we do look small
our work
is to Love God
and one another
and that looks different to all of us"
As I read this I just started to weep- that He knows our worth and sees the worth of what we do. I too often forget that I am not worth what I do- that the task of memorizing foosha verbs and trying to remember the difference in classical and spoken Arabic and trying to write stories correctly and trying to pack as much language as I can into these years- that all of that is not my worth.
I think that when you are learning a language you see how important your personality is to you. I have seen that I long to be "me" when speaking Arabic...the one with the great stories, the one who makes people laugh, the one that can talk about deep things with honesty. And really, that just isn't happening! And so, I think that I am worthless in a way, that my task is pointless and that I have little merit. The world isn't going to be changed because I can use the past tense correctly on the fly. The world isn't going to stand up and take notice if I use the right word for "girls" or can spell "three" - nope, they aren't really going to care. And because of that I have been looking for significance in every place I know to look. I have tried out every new Job or place I can imagine so I won't have to come back here and feel this for another year! And I have thrown myself into class, getting more Arabic by helping at the school and now even teaching ESL once a week! Yep, I have packed my schedule thinking that maybe doing more will make me worth more! Yes- I have spent the last 2 months dashing from one idol to another trying to find security and salvation....when grace was right there. The rest of trusting God. Of believing that He is good and He gives good things. That His love is inexhaustible ....and that He doesn't ask me to save the world, doesn't ask me to prove my salvation...He just gives me the chance to love.
I know that this is going to be a lesson rehearsed quite frequently and loudly over the next years of my life- I hope it is one that is stamped deeply into my fabric. But for now, I am just reminding myself that God is good, that He loves me and that I am forgiven. I am just reminding myself that I am covered in grace. I am just reminding myself that though I am broken I am also redeemed and waiting for my Hope to be made real.

so much fun!

2008-03-26T10:05:00.001-07:00

i had so much fun in Beirut and Damascus last weekend....I can't wait to live in those two cities!
I have so many stories to tell- but for now I will just have to say take a look at the new pics that are going up....some from the big snow we had this winter and others from Damascus and Beirut. We went to a glass workshop where we was the men actually blowing glass- it was great! I got some good pictures and it made me really want to learn how to blow glass :)

ice cream party

2008-03-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

This week has been really busy- but we did manage to pull off an ice cream party- all homemade of course! (thanks to L and her ice cream maker!) We had coffee, vanilla, mint chocolate and chocolate- and of course the mystery flavor....red beans and rice! We had about 30 or so people come- an eclectic group of families and singles, Americans, Canadians, Jordanians and even an Iraqi :) It was lots of fun and I look forward to being able to do it again!
I have been really busy with school, helping in the Kindergarten and just trying to get my homework done. I have enjoyed some lovely weather with a few good walks...but the weather has turned cold and might even freeze tonight!
I have been trying to get my housing sorted out for the next few months- but good news! I got into the school I want to go to next year! It is a great opportunity to study at a first class school here in Amman...and hopefully will take my Arabic to a new level!
I am taking some time to rest this weekend- and might go on a visa run in the next few weeks (I have friends going to Damascus and Beirut) and I might tag along....if I do, I promise some pictures!

2nd circle

2008-03-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

When I first arrived in Amman, the weather was great and people seemed to flood to gathering places in the city to enjoy it. One of these places is 2nd circle. This is a round-about in downtown Amman. In this round-about there are benches and a piece of "art" (it is this huge circle standing on its side). I always thought that it would be cool to be able to go into the circle and sit with the masses. (it is sort of like sitting in the median of a major road- a crazy thought with adventure written all over it!) I never did this before because my Arabic wasn't good enough, and then it was too cold.
Today, I went to Kindergarten and then had a glorious walk down to 2nd circle. I was starving when I arrived, so I went to the now famous (even written up in the New York Times) shawarma joint and got two really good lamb shawarmas and a pepsi (all for 2 bucks!) and then crossed the street so that I was now in the middle of the round-about. I found a bench, started up my ipod and enjoyed the shawarma and the weather. I then pulled out the books because I wasn't ready for my lesson that was less than an hour away. I little girl playing in the patch of grass in front of me greeted me. I began chatting with her and her friends and before I knew it I was meeting the moms. I was able to chat with them and then was invited to coffee with them sometime next week.
It was just as I thought- sitting in the midst of the traffic, eating some great food, chatting in Arabic, making friends- it could not have been any better! A great adventure!

beauty

2008-03-03T13:09:00.000-08:00

In my walking in the last few days, I had a chance to catch up on my "podcast listening." One of my favorites is "this american life" it is a free podcast from NPR (which is apparently running a two week special on working in the Middle East- focusing on Cairo and Dubai...you might want to check it out.) Anyway, I was listening as this guy was telling his story about having a medical condition that caused him to see things "as they are, with no emotion or distraction" and the thought that kept coming to him was "that is beautiful" over and over and over.
I thought about how many times I stop and take in something of beauty in my day, week and month- and how much beauty is actually around me. I thought about how God's grace is seen in my life- His protection in the crazy driving (and walking around the crazy driving!) and memorizing vocabulary, chatting with people, opportunities to go to KG-1 and practice with the kids there, the way the kids today were "belly dancing" and making me laugh- or the kid whose name is betro because they can't pronounce their "p" :) or the love that is given in a heartfelt hug of a 4 year old. Or in the rain that we got last night, the warmth of the heater on a really cold night, the feeling of carbonation bubbling in my mouth as I drink my pepsi- the looks I get from people who expect me to speak english and then I burst out in Arabic :) the music of Jennifer Knapp and Rich Mullins piping through my ipod as I walk this city- friends to laugh with, dreams for the future- all of these and so much more joining in the symphony of life to scream "this is beautiful!"
I heard this line today on a tv show "some hearts are so beautifully fragile like crystal- they are beautiful even when they shatter" -- I thought that is so true of this world. It is beautiful, even in it's broken and cursed state- it is beautiful even when it shatters.

WOW

2008-03-02T10:42:00.000-08:00

Today, I decided that because I have to write Bible stories for class (in Arabic) and then I have to memorize them...that I should be learning stories that might be helpful later on. I have just been thinking of stories that I know the vocabulary for, or thinking of stories that I love to tell- but today I went to Gen. 1 and started with creation. It was supposed to be an exercise in Arabic- but something happened as I was trying to convey the miraculous beginnings of humanity- I can't really explain it. I got to the part where God fashions mankind, breathes life into Adam and calls him good. I was rapped up in the word for breath in Arabic also meaning "soul" (and in Hebrew by the way) and how clearly that is conveyed in this beautiful language. God breathed life, His "soul" into makind and we had life, movement, soul! ......it wasn't the first time that I have been interacting with the Bible in Arabic and paused to think "beautiful" and I am sure it won't be the last.
I don't know what it is - I think it is just the idea that I can read the Bible in a language that isn't my own and still the HS can speak to me....I just think that is amazing. What an incredible Book! I was just lost for a while- looking at the curly cues on my page that now actually mean something to me, another language that will be spoken on the new earth around the throne!

snow pictures are finally up

2008-02-27T08:02:00.000-08:00

do to really slow internet, busy-ness and other unforeseen complications, the snow pictures were delayed in being posted. They have now been posted and are available for viewing!

a new look

2008-02-26T11:01:00.000-08:00

there are some really cool things about learning Arabic- one is that my dream of being able to sit in a coffee shop and overhear (and understand) conversations - but another is that I get a new perspective on life. there is so much I could say about this - but I just wanted to write about something I encountered in my homework tonight.
I am translating John 1 from classical Arabic into spoken Arabic (yep, from Arabic to Arabic...I know you are dying to join me in this task!) Anyway, I got to the verse where John says "behold the Lamb of God" (that is the English version) In Arabic it says "behold the carried one" Well, that is, the classical Arabic word for "lamb" is the same word as "carried one." What an amazing picture - The lamb of God...not this cute furry thing walking beside the shepherd. No, it is the picture of the favorite lamb, carried on the shoulders, protected and cared for like none other. This is the Lamb that takes the sins of the world. This is the Lamb that lays down His life; this is the Lamb that is sacrificed.

arabic galore!

2008-02-26T10:50:00.001-08:00

Well, I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to "immerse" myself in Arabic. I mean, I am able to study with native speakers and that is great- but sometimes you get to do that even in the States. What you don't get in an English environment is the opportunity to spend a day speaking only Arabic. In attempts to make this more a reality for me, I decided that I needed to get back in the classroom. So, I was able to volunteer at a local school and amazingly I have spent 15 hours in the last 2 days in an "all Arabic environment"- so all I have to say is - if my arabic is not stinking good by then end of the next few months I will be highly disappointed!!! I am trying to throw myself into this language learning thing with everything I have- but it seems that the more Arabic I know the more I realize I don't know.
It is one thing to sit around with my teacher and chat- it is a totally different thing to sit and listen to a "transportation" chat with 4 1/2 year olds all around me and realize that I learned 5 new vocabulary words (all of which the 4 year olds all ready knew!) It is a bit overwhelming!
But, my arabic is improving by the day which is always a good if not exhausting idea!
I have been doing a lot of homework and trying not to freak out about what is next...another year of taming the bear (aka learning Arabic) or something else...and if so, what? I have felt a bit overwhelmed with my lack of ability to make such decisions- and my lack of trust.

busy

2008-02-20T08:35:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to squeeze as much into every day as physically possible- or so I think....
I have been studying at various coffee shops with friends, studying at home, visiting friends, going to class and now starting tomorrow helping in a KG-2 class at a local school. This is probably going to be the thing that helps my arabic the most! Going to Kindergarten :) I am going to help three days a week from 8-1 (so that means that I will get another 15 hours of arabic instruction in my week!) I will be extremely busy...but I will be learning Arabic :)
The school is within walking distance so I will enjoy the brisk walks in the morning-
I also get an "accidental" much needed break from lessons- My friend that I have joined in this tutoring adventure is taking tomorrow off (so that means that I "have" to take the day as well). I decided to take Friday off as well. So, now I have three whole days with no lessons- two days with no homework!! I can't wait!
I have been learning a lot- but I will have to wait to post that because there are people at my house waiting to eat dinner with me....
did I say I was busy :)

space for God day

2008-02-15T11:15:00.000-08:00

there is this lady here who helps us make space for God- she puts on these "conferences" for us every two months or so. They are just times of getting away (to this great house that over looks Gilead...yep, Gilead!) and we sit and chat, have times of personal reflection and then chat some more. It is a great time to just focus on God, His love and grace for us and to hang out with other people that I might not ever meet if not for these conferences. I had a great time at the "space for God day" today and I learned a lot as we reflected on Ps. 23. It was a great time of me finding restoration and rest after a long and tiring week of failing at language!
Then, I went all over Amman looking for the stuff to make a cake- never finding all of them and having to give up my quest, well, at least for today. I came home, washed dishes and then sat down to an inbox of emails that I haven't taken the time to return. But, I cranked them out- tried to make them as personal as possible when you are writing the same thing over and over again :)
Now, I am done- and I am going to go read or watch a movie or something.....a good day

be thankful for your car

2008-02-14T08:09:00.001-08:00

there is this phenomena here in Amman- when it rains, there are no taxis and traffic gives a new definition to "horrible."
Today I left tutoring at 2 in the afternoon. After standing for 20 min. in the pouring rain waiting for a taxi, I decided to walk to the next "circle" and try my luck there. After a 15 min. walk in the pouring rain, I arrived at 3rd circle and joined the 20 or so people waiting there. After another 30 min. waiting, I walked in the rain - getting soaked by every passing car as the puddles exploded on to me- Now, I have been waiting for over an hour- and still no taxis. I begin to walk to the next circle, but by this time my plan to "go to tutoring and come straight home" has been severely derailed. I am not wearing the appropriate clothes to walk in and I am soaked!!! My rain jacket has shed all the water on to my jeans, my smart wool pants (which have been worth their weight in gold) are beginning to take in the water, and my hair that peeked out of my hood is dripping wet. My chin feels like it has turned into a popsicle and I am begging God to send a taxi.
A taxi pulls over. It already has one man in it, but the driver is nice and tells me that I can hop in too. I sit down, even my gloves leave water on the car seat. I quickly pull out a couple of dinars so that they can dry before I have to hand them to the driver. I thank both the driver and the man profusely. I tell them my saga and they say "it is raining!" like that explains everything!
Then, we drop the man off and sit for another hour in traffic. the cars were barely moving- and when it was your turn to go, there were cars stuck in the circle or intersection so that it was impossible to go.
After a 2 hour adventure/miserable journey I arrived home. (note: it took me 20 min total - including waiting for the taxi!- to get to tutoring, 2 hours to get back) I immediately took off my shoes, swimming with water- my jacket, my fleece and other 2 t-shirts soaked- my jeans and long underwear soaked. I might as well have gone swimming for all the water that I brought home with me!
Well- at least it is raining here. Thank God for His grace on the just and the unjust..and the really wet!

almost shot

2008-02-08T06:43:00.000-08:00

I have never been that close to a random act of violence as I was today. It was 12:20 in the afternoon. I am walking home from tutoring. I come up my street crowed with people and cars. There are shouts in the distance that I can barely hear over the sound of my ipod. I smile because I know that somewhere a highschooler made good marks on the National Test and is celebrating his future with family and friends.
Then, I hear shouts closer. I turn and see a group of women crowded into the "sun room" shouting. I see a manboy turning the corner. And then...he pulls out a pistol and begins to fire it into the air!
I was directly across the street from him and I was really worried where the bullets were going to come down. He, on the other hand, just kept walking and gloried in his success.
I regained my composure and began to laugh....I mean, people here die in celebration shootings every year...but man, what a crazy thing to think about-

good shoes

2008-02-03T14:21:00.000-08:00

you would think that with 31 years with my blister prone feet, I would know better! But I went to the Balad yesterday and bought some "golashes." These aren't real golashes that you throw over shoes, they are basically plastic boots. I got them because the snow has created a small river in every street. it is impossible to stay dry and ice cold water on your feet for hours is no fun. So, I thought I would solve that by buying some cheap boots! But, the blisters on my feet from wearing them today remind me that was a bad idea!!!
I have never been so grateful for crocs as I am now! Only if I had bought some croc boots before I left the US. (they will definitely will my first purchase once I get back...and I will never live anywhere it rains, without some waterproof shoes again!)

almost snowed in

2008-01-31T12:16:00.000-08:00

I got out today....walked down to my tutor's house for a day of class. I was glad to get out- but it was nasty. Most of the streets had been cleared- but Amman is not made for snow. They "plowed" the roads, but this completely blocked all the storm drains in the streets. So, they basically made a channel for all the melted snow to puddle in. At times, I was walking in ankle deep ice cold water, at other times, knee deep snow. It was definitely an adventure!
i got to class, but I wasn't in the mood to really apply myself. :) but I had a good class, chatted about my family in topical discussion and then played in the snow with the family. I then met FTP and went to Safeway- which was apparently the only grocery store open in the city because it was really crowded.
Then we came home, I washed clothes and made supper and then I "had" to watch an Arabic Film for class. (I think it was supposed to be funny...but I was just struggling to understand it!)
I have been having fun because FTP has been staying with us - super long story- but she has been snowed in with us....which has made it fun. We have had dinner together for the last 3 nights, and because of the snow, we really don't have any pressing commitments anywhere in the city...so we can just hang out. This has been great. We have had some fun conversations and we have been able to get to know each other better.
i think that I have been forced to slow down (I really wish my pictures would post so you could see how much snow we had! I took pictures again today...eventually the internet will be back up to "speed" - aka everyone will be back at work and busy and it will speed up again. and then, I will be able to post them...so stay tuned!) But the snow has made me slow down. At first it was awful, but now it is growing on me. I am sure I will miss it when it is gone.
I am enjoying the brisk air, the FREEZING feet (how did I get here without any waterproof shoes?) and the change in the city as we all walk everywhere :)

snow pictures preview

2008-01-30T10:21:00.000-08:00

snow- again- this time for real

2008-01-30T09:52:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am sitting here in my warm house staring at the downpour that has continued for the last 17 hours....snow. At 10 this morning we probably had inches- no telling how much we have now. I went out (in my crocs covered with plastic bags, rain coat and gloves) to play with the neighbors. I helped shovel their drive way in a vain attempt to drive a car. We got about half way and realized that we would have to shovel the whole road! I then helped the kids make a snow man. They were just piling snow- I showed them how to roll balls and stack them. Once we had a second layer they were quickly running to get a carrot, sticks and olive leaves for the mouth. I took my scarf off and placed it around his scrawny neck (we were too cold to attempt a big snow man).
I then watched the kids throw snowballs and helped the "grown-ups" in their endeavors to clean off the steps and walk way. Eventually, we were all too cold and needed to get warm. My neighbors invited me (and Roomie who had wandered outside to take pictures) to come in and have coffee.
I was still in my "lounging" clothes (not thinking, I went out in my sweatshirt and fleece pants...I mean, I had water-proof pants and a rain jacket on top!!) so, I was not to keen to go in right away. I told her I was wearing my house clothes under my jacket and she said "My house is your house- no problem!" Gotta love Jordanian hospitality!
So, we went in for a cup of Nescafe and some cookies. It was a great time of arabic practice and we got to finally meet our neighbors! I have been trying to chat with them for the last few months....but I haven't been able to even get a "hello" from the kids. Now I was in their house telling them about my family and laughing with them about my arabic!
it was a great afternoon....now the boredom of being snowed in without a tv (the snow has blown out our reception) has set in. I have nothing left to do but homework :) and of course I am doing everything to avoid that!
i am trying to post some pictures - so check out the pics link on the left to get a glimpse of the "blizzard of 2008" :)

out-running the curse

2008-01-29T10:23:00.001-08:00

I have been trying to figure out why it is that I long for change so often. I think that most people want to "settle in;" they want to find a place and make it theirs, they want to leave their mark on a city, a suburb or neighborhood. I want to make my mark on a neighborhood....but I don't have any desire to "settle in." it seems that when I get to know a place I want to leave. I get this feeling that I need to move on, that things will be better in the next place...that I will have all that I am lacking here if I can just find that place. I will have friends that understand grace, I will have a job that I love waking up for and I will have a place where I can impact the world. But it always seems that when I get into a new place, one that I thought was going to bring some- if not all -of the above hopes and dreams, I quickly find that it is simply a place on this fallen earth (and that I too am far from perfect and still have my struggles and disappointments)
I find myself in that place once again. I have been on this roller coaster for years now (or so it feels). I have been living and moaning in one place and looking forward to the next. But now, I look back and think "Dallas wasn't so bad!" (but when I lived there- I HATED it!) and now I am looking to what is next after Amman and I think, "will I look back and say the same about Amman?"
I don't exactly know how to "cure" this ailment. I think that I am just trying to find a place that is "perfect" and unfortunately that will only happen on the new earth.
I began thinking about this because of a book I was reading. It talked about "incarnational ministry" and how one of the "pre-requisites" for this type of ministry is picking a place to incarnate. J wasn't both a 1st century man and a 20th century woman. He chose a time and place and people to live among and by doing that He chose not to live in other times and places and peoples. I have no idea if that was hard for Him - He knew that the "fullness of time" had come, so maybe it was an easy decision. But I am not so sure that I know exactly where and when and with whom I am supposed to invest my life- and actually, the idea of spending my life in the same city is quite revolting.
I guess I have a lot more learning and changing to do if I am going to live like J in this area.
So in the mean time- I am trying to cultivate a life of gratitude- for life here in Amman, for life with my friends, for life in the Spirit- an attempt to make myself be here, be with this people and these friends- and to not complain about it :O

catching up

2008-01-25T13:27:00.000-08:00

I have needed to blog for a while now....been falling down on the "every other day- at least" rule.
I have been studying a lot....reading the news about Gaza and Lebanon (comparing AlJazeera, BBC and CNN is tons of fun!) and hanging out with friends. Last night, I went down to my friends Jeff and Pam's house (they have 4 kids and live down the street from me) They have people over to their place every Thursday (our Saturday) for home-made pizza and a movie. It was fun- lots of new people there this week.
We went down to the Balad again, and had people over to our house for dinner (Roommate is a great cook) and other than that I have been studying (or avoiding studying)
I am reading some great books- Giving and Forgiving in a culture stripped of grace is one of them. It is fantastic has already been shaping my thinking about dealing with culture, loving my neighbors and living a life marked by grace. I have been thinking about Eph. 5:1-2 lately -Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as Christ also loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice.- I have been thinking about this verse because of this book (he talks a lot about it) but I have been thinking "what does imitating God look like? And how can I, a human, imitate God? And how is imitating God as a "dearly loved child" different?" And this has made the mantra "love others well" run through my head more often :)
I am also reading the Cairo Trilogy by Mahfouz- and the voice series and......I am really scattered tonight -

snow pics are up

2008-01-22T11:29:00.000-08:00

lights out

2008-01-22T10:55:00.000-08:00

So, it is snowing today and I walked to class (gotta get the exercise!) then some of my friends were at a coffee shop studying so I joined them. After a pretty mellow hour or so, we decided to walk down to the Balad for supper. We went to one of my favorite restaurants here in Amman- Jafra. We ate hummus with meat, taboulieh and had some much needed hot tea. After we finished eating, they told us that there was going to be "something to support Palestine." Since we had no idea what that was - and I am always open to an new adventure- we decided to stay. A man said something and everybody stood up and we had a moment of silence. Then the man said some more things (of which I understood "10 minutes," "america" and "palestine" Yes- I was having a great arabic day!!!) And then they turned the lights off- and I mean off. NO LIGHTS! Everyone got out there cell phones to give small pricks of light and someone started playing what I guess was the Palestinian national anthem.
As the darkness was all around me, thoughts started swimming through my head. Here we sat with a whole bunch of arab speaking people in complete darkness.
it was hard to deal with the many emotions- I wasn't expecting that at all. In the darkness, I saw the faces of people who have been taken advantage of by their leaders, people who have been ransacked and oppressed, people who have been ignored by most of the world. I heard clips from movies I have seen that showed the hopelessness and despair of the Palestinian people. I began to pray- I knew that there were just a few of us in that darkness that were able to petition our Father for peace. I began to ask Him to bring peace in the midst of this complex situation. I asked that He would send people to proclaim the kingdom of hope, peace and love. I asked that He would allow His children to see these fellow humans as precious, beautiful people who are much loved by God.
I know that we were sitting in the dark for a few minutes but people in Gaza and the West Bank regularly go without power, without water and are restricted in their ability to move around the country. But somehow, mixed in with all of these Jordanian and Palestinian people, it seemed like a grand gesture- 10 minutes in solidarity with "our people" in Palestine.
The lights came back on- and I saw all of the people glance towards us, wondering how these Americans were responding to this "protest." The Palestinian song was now over the loud speaker and people began to hum along, flashing peace signs at each other.
I hope that they saw a different "america" tonight, or at least a different "american"- one who can hope with them, and one who will sit in the dark with them and one who loves them and joins them in praying for peace.

SNOW

2008-01-22T00:15:00.001-08:00

I woke up this morning to a blanket of white! What a blessing!!!! I have never seen snow in the Middle East - and I haven't seen this much snow (not mixed with ice....yet) since I left the East Coast!. It is great! I will go out and make a snow man....and then take pictures and post them soon- No homework today!!!!

Arabic

2008-01-20T00:33:00.000-08:00

I guess tutoring is going well- I have finished the equivalent of 1 month (or more) at Kelsey, and I have only bee tutoring for 2 weeks! At this rate I will finish 3rd and 4th semesters of speaking and all of 2nd and 3rd semesters in Fuusha (classical Arabic, i.e. reading and writing)
So, I am studying a lot- but I am learning a lot!

Creativity

2008-01-16T11:39:00.000-08:00

There is something about creativity that drives me to create. I just watched this fantastic movie called "once" about two singer-song writers in Ireland. It is basically a movie about creating- creating songs, love, life, hope, gifts. As I watched it, I just wanted to hit "pause" and go and take pictures, write a story or something- make something.
It is weird how creativity makes me want to create. I see something beautiful, something unique and it makes me want to go and make something that shows my mood, my hopes.
I think it is because creativity points to hope- it shows that there can be beauty here in this broken world, it shows that there is something important here, something worth time, energy and space.
I think it is great- it makes me want to paint, to sing, to write, to take the best photos- it makes me want to scream, "Yes, we have hope! We have a reason to create- a reason to be hopeful!"
And this is what I wrote:
The stairs leading down to the Balad are steep and many. If you look up from the uneven steps, you will see the huge Jordanian flag swaying in the cold breeze. Carefully we make our way down, avoiding the ice. It is a jostling journey, watching your steps all the way. We pass an old woman trying to make her way up these grueling steps with the help of her son and her grandson. With each step she screams “Ya Allah!” (Oh God) and her grandson laughs because it sounds very similar to “yellah” (hurry up) ironic considering her slow pace. We enter the street, inclining down to the city center with its slick pavement.
The mountains, stacked to their rim with houses, seem to stand at attention, guarding the Balad. The hills rise all around us, hills that have been inhabited since the days of King David and probably even before that. Above us towers the great citadel; we are walking on the very ground where Uriah the Hittite lost his life. In front of us, the great amphitheater built when Rome was the super power of the world. People have visited this valley for hundreds of years and today we are drawn to be a part of its story.
We begin to pass little stores packed with shower curtains, bath mats and towels. The traffic begins to increase as we descend. We get to the DVD section, store after store packed with illegal DVDs for sale. Music blares from the CD stores that are mixed in intermittently. People mill around, looking for various riches.
We continue to journey down through the labyrinth of stores, accosted by the items for sale. At every turn there are scarves, hats and gloves for sale. These are mixed with cell phones, perfume and gold rings. People are inviting us into their stores, allowing us to “look for free.” We stop occasionally, drawn in by some beautiful hand-made pashmina, a Jordanian headdress or a movie that we have wanted to see.
We take our time, the Balad is no place to rush. Every alley has to be examined, every kiosk enjoyed. The adventure of shopping becomes a reality down here; we are like pirates looking for our treasure.
We pass the restaurants that give new meaning to “hole in the wall.” We see the men crowed in the storefronts drinking tea or smoking sheesha. Everyone seems to be enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun. The energy is contagious, enlivening even the air that we breathe.
We have all that we came for, but we march on into its belly. Traffic is thick now and the horns are blowing loudly. People stand in the street awaiting empty taxis, buses creep by stuffed full of men, women and children.
Arabic banters around us as we crawl deeper into the lair. Culture seems to have a personality here; you can feel civilization brush by you. And yet, somehow I do not feel like a stranger, but as one who has returned after a long absence.
The sun begins to set and the cold walks back in. It is time to go. I feel the Balad release its grip. We cross the street and join the throng waiting for a taxi. We ignore the cold and stand in silence, our eyes filled with images.
We leave, ascending the hill as if being awakened from a dream. Normal life awaits us at the top of the hill and already I miss life in the Balad.

my day

2008-01-16T08:20:00.000-08:00

So, I slept in (this is my last day of a "real weekend" because I had to change my tutoring schedule. I will now have 3 days off a week, but all those days I will have to do homework. I was having too much homework to accomplish in one day and that resulted in me only doing homework - and playing a bit at night. I thought that if I had a full day to study between sessions then I would be able to "live" more here in Amman. But this resulted in me sacrificing my much beloved "two day weekend" that I have had for a mere 2 weeks. I will see if the new schedule makes up for the sacrifice.....if not, I will be coming back to the weekend!)
Ok, so I slept in and then made pancakes for breakfast - it is amazing how much I like to eat breakfast when I have time to enjoy it! I then sat, checked email and such and got ready. When Roomie came home, we took off to run errands. First, visa renewal at the Police Station. Then, she had to drop something off at the guest house. We then walked over to the Iraqi place and had lunch. (It made me miss my mom because we went there together) Then, after a great chicken shwarma, we went down to the Ballad and walked around. We visited the movie shops, the pashmina shops, the dress shops and anything else we wanted to see. After the nice afternoon, we returned to a warm house and a "night of leisure" - i.e. watch the movies that we bought and blog :)
It was a fun day- one that we enjoyed the city where we live. It made me remember how much I love living overseas. It is great to be able to experience "life" in a different place, with a different language, with different people.

been doing some thinking

2008-01-15T08:14:00.000-08:00

Do you ever look back in the "short past" (that is 6 months to a year ago) and compare yourself to what you are now? Not your circumstances, not your friends, but you.
I have been looking into the short past lately and I am really amazed at how much I have changed over the last year. I remember being in Dallas, the concerns I had about trusting God and moving to Amman, the way I hedged and planned every contingency so that I wouldn't have to look like I was "failing". And I see myself now, studying Arabic, not knowing what the future holds, but really holding on and enjoying the ride.
I see the way I was so concerned with being right and how grace has come in an overshadowed most of that.
I see how I was eager to serve, and now, not so much. I have to confess that serving sounds better than it actually is. It is exhausting and takes all of your time. I am trying to place myself in situations where I can serve better.....
But, I have been looking back and it is rather exciting. I wonder what is churning inside of me now that I will look back and marvel at in the future!

life

2008-01-08T07:17:00.000-08:00

today has been consumed with details like water, heat and vocabulary. the morning was running around trying to call people to get them to bring us water (giving directions in Arabic and trying to explain that I have 2 bottles that are empty and I want them to bring me two bottles that are full. But where? The directions again. Now what do you want? 2 bottles of water. You will have to buy the bottles. No, I have 2 bottles already. Where do you live? - did I say this was all in Arabic??? And then, after that, was finally explained- a man called back 20 minutes later who spoke english and we had the same conversation again!) And then the heat. We ran out of gas last night, so our space heaters won't work. This means that it is COLD in our house. But we have radiators, so I was trying to figure out how to turn them on. Then, someone came to pick up my room mate and take her to a meeting. I asked her- and then, the whole world got involved. She called like 3 people and then had 2 other people come over....and all we had to do was turn a knob!!!!! Did I mention that all of this was happening when I was supposed to be doing 2 hours of homework and memorize like 30 new vocab words???????
So, then I went to tutoring- and today is a bad arabic day and I couldn't remember anything. I kept getting things wrong- and then, because I couldn't talk, my teacher decided I should read. Have I told you how much I hate reading Arabic???? i am so slow, I feel like a 2 year old and it is VERY frustrating!
So, after all of that, I walked a bit- got too cold and got in a taxi and went to the mall (I needed to exchange some money and there is a bank there that is open all the time). I walked around the warm mall for a while and then came home to the cold house. I called another gas guy to see if he would bring us some bottles, but it is too far for him- but at least we have the radiators (that cost a king's ransom to run!)
Now- after all of that- my "weekend" starts. 2 whole days with no lessons!!!!! I can't wait! I don't have to do any homework tomorrow!!!! Of course, thursday will be a full day of it- but tomorrow I can just sit and watch movies!
Ok- so that is the boring mundane life I am living....water, gas and homework :)
Tonight we are going back to Jafra- that coolest restaurant in town. So that should be fun!

jafra

2008-01-06T12:25:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the disjointed blog you are about to read
there is this little hole in the wall restaurant (literally, it is in this hole in the wall- there is this alley that dead ends into stairs. You go up the stairs and this restaurant appears!) The name of this place is Jafra. I just found it a few months ago, and on my first adventure up the stairs I knew that it would be one of my favorite places to hang out in Amman. Tonight I was able to take my new room mate (who is a lot of fun, by the way) and some of the people she has met here to Jafra. It was fun to see them take the place in, to see the people around them (all drinking tea, smoking shisha and laughing together). The food was great (as always) and it was a fun night.
It reminded me of how much I love living in the MIddle East- I love this culture of family and really valuing time together. I miss it so much when I am not around it. But, sometimes it is hard to be in the midst of it- like at my 2 hour arabic lesson today where I cringed while pecking out letters to make words- worse than a kindergartner.
Tonight, we had supper with a guy who is on an "around the world trip" by land (that is, he is driving, training or such as much as possible) and it was great to hear his stories about traveling for the last 4 months (over 30 countries in 4 months). As I sat and listened I wanted so much to ask if he wanted a travel partner :) And I thought about my desire to live among the poor and how a year long vacation would be so extravagant. And then I thought about how I love to adventurate, and how I want to see the world.....
I hate it when you know that your dreams will require you to give up something that you love, something that is so cool (like a round the world trip) - I wish the new earth would come so we could travel as much as we want!

pictures

2008-01-03T00:08:00.001-08:00

ok they are uploading as we speak- most may already be there but my internet connection is slow, so maybe not. Click on 2007 albums to see the Pyramids, Petra and the most of my Egypt trip- all the others are under 2008
hope this helps you find them!

back from Egypt

2008-01-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

I had a blast in Egypt - it was fun to hang out with Joe, and even more fun to see the Pyramids!!!!! I felt like a spring chicken seeing things that Abraham and Moses saw :) It was amazing!
I am glad and sad to be back in Amman. After Cairo, Amman is tame and normal. But, I am glad to be back to "my" house, "my" city and my friends. It will be hard to say bye to Joe tonight- it has been years since we have spent this much time together and it has been a good trip full of adventure :)
I will write more later about life here now, the new language learning efforts I am undertaking and more on my trip- but until then, check out the 600 plus photos that are now uploading to my picture site (follow the link on the left!)

making Christmas cookies

2007-12-19T09:10:00.000-08:00

It has been some what of a tradition that I make Teacakes and Ris makes Molasses Cookies every Christmas. Unfortunately, because Ris is not here- I have to make both. The Molasses cookies are really good- but, they are a pain to make...you have to roll every cookie in sugar!!!! and teacakes have to be rolled out and then iced after they are baked. So, making these cookies is time consuming!
But, this year like every year, I am making cookies. The molasses is made from grapes :) and I had to buy a quarter of a kilo of ground cinnamon- which is a LOT of cinnamon if you are wondering! (like maybe 2 cups of ground cinnamon!!!) It has become an adventure trying to get the ingredients, messing up the kitchen and using the oven for a heater!

school is over

2007-12-18T00:10:00.000-08:00

I had my last day of class yesterday- and then I went to tutoring :) and then, I went to a great concert (some selections from the Messiah)
It has been a weird week- busy and running from one thing to the next- and yet, in some way one that begs for reflection. I think that when you experience Christmas in a place that doesn't really experience Christmas, it makes you reflective. I mean, in the states you see Christmas everywhere. So Christmas is the songs playing (like Santa Baby and The Gift) blasting in the mall, or the lights on houses, or the cookies and special parties, the trees, etc. etc. But living in a place that doesn't really have any of those (don't worry, I did hear Santa Baby on the radio the other day! i am not that pathetic!) but not having these things that "make Christmas" makes me have to think about what Christmas is. And the fact that God decided to become man- Woah!
THe incarnation changes everything....there was this poem somewhere that I read, that said Christmas is the birth of Grace. I thought at first that this was wrong...I mean, grace existed in the OT- but the more I think about it. I think, no, grace existed in the OT because Jesus was going to be born. It is only in the birth of grace, this little baby that was "born to give us second birth" born to give us an eternity in a world where the curse is reversed- that there is no sin, there is no pain- there is grace at every turn. It is this time every year where we celebrate the birth of Grace- the incarnation of God so that even the most mundane tasks (like brushing our teeth) can be redeemed- because Jesus is human! and He lived a human existence and now lives in a human body at the right hand of the Father awaiting His return to redeem humanity!
Yes, this is a time for busy-ness- and a time of reflection.

communal living

2007-12-11T10:25:00.000-08:00

I have been doing a lot of searching these days- searching my brain for that vocabulary word, searching the grocery store for that "special" thing, and searching my heart to see how God has shaped me. A theme keeps coming back, over and over again like the waves on the shore- communal living.
I have avoided this theme in the past because it is a hard thing to do (living communally always shows where we don't "love well") and it is hard to "start" - I mean, do i put up a want add: needed, 3 girls who want to live communally for the sake of the Kingdom. All others need not reply!
Also, this is the kind of thing that takes a lifetime to build, no a lifetime to start - and it is quite daunting.
It is something that grows on its own, it is something that twists and turns and changes as people join and leave the community- it is weird and unusual for those who haven't experienced it-
But the hardest thing, is trying to see how I am supposed to do it here. How can my love for the Arab world and a desire to live communally mix? It seems impossible today.
And yet, in the face of all those difficulties- I have decided to no longer ignore it - to listen to the sound of the waves.

the grand grocery store

2007-12-09T08:16:00.000-08:00

so, since I moved in to my place here in the "west end" of Amman, I have heard about the "grand." It had been said that you could get Ritz crackers there- and if you need molasses, go to the grand. Looking for french's onions or cream of mushroom soup- go to the grand. I was told it was "just like an American grocery store." So, with Christmas coming up and me needing to make Molasses cookies and of course some Tea cakes, I needed some "american" things- like self rising flour :)
So, I grabbed my ipod and took off exploring. I knew where it was - sort of. I knew that I needed to cross the street and then it was a little ways down on the right or left and I might have to turn or I could just go straight- but it is over there somewhere.
I enjoyed the walk with some "this american life" pumping through the earphones...and then I saw it. "THE GRAND" - ok, it was no american grocery store...but I did find Molasses (made from grapes) and self rising flour, and gobstoppers, and Betty Crocker Oatmeal and Chocolate chip cookie mix in a bag, and ream of mushroom soup- and they had Cherry coke! And star-bucks peppermint cold frappacinos (I know, star-bucks? But, there is something about peppermint and chocolate that makes it Christmas!) and then they had GRAPE JELLY and peanut butter Nature Valley granola bars!!!
It was great!!! I walked through every aisle - like 5 times :)
it was a great adventure, but I am glad that I didn't take my wallet but just shoved some money into my pockets- because although they had all of those things, they weren't cheap. A box of ritz- 8 bucks :)
It was fun finding it, shopping and seeing things I had forgotten about (like twisted tornado Bubalicious) and it was a great adventure! Who knew that going grocery shopping could be so much fun!

fantastic day

2007-12-05T07:48:00.000-08:00

This has been a fantastic day. After a day of serious allergies yesterday and a not so fun morning of class, I decided to "play" a little. I needed something to make it feel like Christmas- so I got one of the many plants I am "sitting" and dusted it off and strung it with lights. It looked awful- so, I had to go to the embassy and get my passport (I dropped it off so I could get new pages in it- and they put the "new" new pages in it - if you haven't seen the new passports, you won't understand what I am talking about. Each page has a picture of "american life" - it is so american it should sing the National Anthem!) Anyway, after picking up my crazy mixed up passport, I took off to Carefour. There I was able to see $90 pathetic looking Christmas trees, $18 ornaments, and get this- $15 string of Christmas lights! And decided to pass on those. I did pick up some crazy Santa hats tho'- they were only a dollar.
I grabbed my bags and headed out the door. It was a lovely day today- probably almost 70 degrees and lots of sunshine. So, I was walking out the door when I spotted the new "scent" from Body Works- blue spruce! So, i grabbed some scented oil so that my house would at least smell like Christmas! I started walking down the street hoping to spot a place to snag a tree. There are NO tree stands here, but I though that maybe a nursery would have something better than the pathetic thing I had.
I found this nursery, these guys who worked there were really happy that I spoke Arabic- so they gave me a tree for $7.50 and it comes with a stand! (that is, it is about 2 feet high and is planted in a vegetable oil tin box. It is perfect!
So, I have officially bought my first Christmas tree- ever. I will decorate it and then post some pictures!
I am settling in to an almost cold house to do a couple hours of homework- but it has been a fantastic day!

advent

2007-11-30T10:17:00.000-08:00

the advent season starts tomorrow. The time when we as a church remember the first time that Jesus came to earth and look forward to the 2nd advent when we will get to see Him put all things under His feet.
I was thinking about this today- thinking about how the fact that Jesus became flesh changed everything- I mean, even the Godhead "changed" in some way, because when Jesus became human He stayed human- forever. And, I was thinking about how incredible it was that God was generous enough to create us, and then to take our form........
What a concept! That when God was forming Adam out of dirt, They knew that one day Jesus would take this very form- the form of dirt made alive, human.
What worth humanity now has! It is like when you are a little kid and everyone is making fun of you for having green socks on and then the teacher- the coolest teacher ever, that everyone loves- comes in with green socks! And then, having green socks changes to "coolest ever" - yep, it is like that times 1 million. God decided to be human. He said that humanity has incredible worth- made in His image and now the second person of the Trinity became man FOREVER! This doesn't mean that humanity has worth in and of itself- oh, no. It means that God has given humanity worth. That God has shown how incredible He considers human life- how we should value human life.
And it is just amazing that God would do this so we could see how generous He is, how gracious, how loving.....it just keeps coming and coming and coming and coming and coming and coming!

confused

2007-11-28T04:55:00.000-08:00

I have to decide in the next few weeks (well, actually I have a month or two before I really have to decide) what to do next semester. the school I am in is kinda frustrating me and it has been discovered that I would learn a lot better in a smaller group (now, mind you that I am not learning "poorly" now, but I would be able to learn faster and in a more tailored way if I was studying in a smaller group) So, I have a few options and I am trying to sort them all out. This means that in addition to my studying I am trying to sort through these options.
And, recently I have been struck by the lack of "social life" we have here in the ME. Some of my friends that are in other places talk about how they "play" every night, how they go out and have people over....and here in ME that really isn't done much. I think back to my time in the Emirates and now here- and yep...not so much. I think things would be different if I lived in Beirut....but alas, not yet :(
so, random thoughts of a scattered girl....

run the race

2007-11-27T12:39:00.001-08:00

Last year around this time, josh, Green and I were trudging the streets of Seattle in freezing cold temps to run our half- marathon. I thought of this when someone was talking about "running the race" in hebrews 12 - the crowd of people cheering us on, telling us to run- people we didn't even know trying to encourage us to keep going.
The guy was talking about life- and how the people in Hebrews 12 are believers that have gone before us, people who have finished the race and they are screaming "God IS good! He IS faithful...keep it up! He IS worth it!" I thought of how those people cheered us on in Seattle and how great it was to be cheered for. Then the guy said- it is not just Paul and Peter and Ruth cheering us on, it is Amy Carmichael, Adoniram Judson, and other people- people you know who have finished the race.
I started to cry and laugh at the same time because I heard Rob in his "most red-neck voice ever" saying "Katy- get 'er done! Come on girl- you got it....don't let it whip ya!"

"stuff of earth"

2007-11-21T09:24:00.001-08:00

there is this line in one of the best songs of all time
"The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the giver
Of all good things"
this line has been running through my head lately because the stuff of earth is doing a good job of competing for my allegiance. I feel as if at times I want nothing more than to be powerful or smart or friendly, or something.....anything but a follower of Christ.
And it is only if I see these things as competing allegiances that I can worship the Giver of all Good things- and not the things He gives.
I say all of this, after I just vehemently spilled about the school and their "dumb" way of teaching me.....and I have so see that as an expression of the "stuff of earth' competing for my allegiance, telling me that if I was "smart" or "a fast learner" or "the corrector of the stupid way they teach" that I will be somehow "better."
Oh, I am in such need of grace!

frustration

2007-11-21T09:01:00.000-08:00

the last few days have been some of massive frustration with the language learning. Not because it is hard- yes, learning Arabic is HARD, but it seems that the program I am in has lost its way with our class and is now spinning out of control! I have been frustrated with the way they are teaching, the pace (we finally started the new book, after a month of review- but now we are told that we must go slowly. Which means that we will be on the first few chapters for the month....but I have to memorize the 100 vocab. words in 3 days!!!!! Yes, does that sound weird to you????) and then, the way they are teaching classical Arabic is driving me mad!!!! It seems that they think more information is better and have decided to throw things at us and see if we can make it without cussing! so today we "took" the 76 ways of making nouns from verbs. Yes, that was after the 10 forms of verbs, the past, present and command tenses, and then the 10 ways to make infinitives and gerunds!!!! And then in another book (also, classical) we are going so slowly that we just took the "definite article" today!!!! yes, now I can read "the book" - well, duh!!!! So, to say the least, right now I am frustrated!!!
I have spent 5 hours today doing homework and the same yesterday. But the whole week before I don't think I had 5 hours of homework to do!!! But, I am sure it will go back to "nothing" and I will make do......
on a brighter note. I have started a different program in the afternoons, and I love it. I am learning with what feels like "no effort" - so that is great!!!
so, I am getting a great lesson in "practicing" that the world doesn't revolve around me= that I am not the center of the Arabic learning universe and that other people might learn in different ways ...and believe it or not those ways might actually be valid!!!
so, I am trying to learn to see others as existing...and then hopefully as more important than myself- but it is hard to do when I am frustrated!!!!
So, I beg for mercy and grace - and confess that it is on that I fall.........

life in jordan

2007-11-17T10:58:00.000-08:00

so, I think I have settled into "life" here. I have gotten some sort of rhythm here- the going to school, the returning to study. And I have had quite and emotional week as God has been amputating bits of my rotten heart and patiently replacing it with the fruit of the Spirit. It has been shocking to see how often I live for myself and my desires. I have had a week of examination and I am trying to find myself in this new reality. I have been drinking the sweet drink of grace- and the bitter cup of confession (a prerequisite for grace I am afraid.) It has been a hard week, but next week I have 2 days off of school, start an "extra" Arabic class 2-3 days a week and try to "live" as well ;) good thing I have a few days off!
I am feeling a little sick (got the "winter cold" that is going around class) so I am going to bed......

change

2007-11-13T09:31:00.001-08:00

there is something about me that craves change. Even though I like my school, I am finding that there are a lot of things that I think should be done differently. I found a different school today- one that I think would be FANTASTIC! But, i am not sure if I am just craving change- or if I am really looking for something better.
So, I am going to give it a test run- for the next month I am going to "attend" this other school and see if I like it. So, for the next month I will be doing two schools :) sounds like fun, doesn't it!

space for beauty

2007-11-12T12:12:00.000-08:00

Today was a really busy day. I went to school, then went to the BC to study and chat with friends. After an hour of studying and an hour and a half of Arabic I was ready to go! So, I took off to meet another friend so we could plan the review for our class (we are in charge of the whole day of class in a few days). We went to this really cool restaurant in the balad- it was really cool with old stairs and cool lanterns and the best hummus and kifta around!
Anyway, I studied there for 2 more hours and then I was ready to go home and sleep. But my friend (the dutch boy) asked me to go to a free concert with him and this other girl. I didn't want to go, I was tired and hadn't been home since 7:45 am....but I said "I don't want to go, but I should make some space for beauty in my life this week....so ok!"
We got there, waited in line- and then were treated to a free concert by the Chicago Trio and friends. It was fantastic. They played "fun" music that made us laugh and they played other music that was so complicated it almost hurt to listen to it.
After the hour was up, even though I was tired, I felt that in some way that my life was bigger. It is funny how beauty can do that - especially beautiful music. It is the stilling of your body, the focusing of your ears, your mind and your emotions to listen, feel and see the intricacies of the music. It is like for an hour, you move in slow motion while your soul breathes.
It was wonderful!!!! I am so glad that I made some space in my life today.

from another blog I love

2007-11-11T09:35:00.000-08:00

There is this blog that I started reading about a 2 years ago. I try to read it every week or so and keep up with the guy. I read his "book" 9a collection of blogs from the "first year.") I am not sure how I found this blog. All I know is that it was a slow day at the worst job in the world and it afforded some "blog hopping." I stumbled on this guy by following the links on other blogs I found interesting. But, this blog has been one that I have returned to often and found poignant words shaking my ideas and hopefully changing the way I live my life.
I was looking for something on the net today and decided to spend a few minutes "at the mission." And this is what I found:
"What if Jesus isn't looking for leaders? What if he's looking for followers? Followers who are content to treasure and value the folks right in their own neighborhood..." What if? Would that change the way I lived here in Amman? Would that change the way I see my future? Would that give me a greater push/motivation/desire to "just serve" people? Would it make the need to volunteer and effect change in our community essential to my faith?
I ask this because the phrase "follower of Jesus" is a big one in my circles these days....aka people who want to identify with Jesus but not the crusades here in the ME. So, thinking about really being a follower - not just using that as my "name" while I am here- is always present.
I know I would live differently if I saw myself as the servant of my neighbors and friends.
oh- here is the link to the blog....in case you need some more reading material! www.mission.squarespace.com/-journal/

cloudy

2007-11-10T11:09:00.000-08:00

The clouds in Amman today were absolutely amazing. The sky was so blue it looked like Kool-Aid. The clouds were the perfect fluffy cotton balls floating through the air.
I was sitting in class and I took a quick gaze out the window. And there it was- the most amazing site. A cloud, so white it hurt to look at it, floating past the window. It was so graceful, carefully moving and joining others as it glided in the sky. I was so thankful for this glimpse of sheer beauty.
Then, after I got home from class- I found myself in the same position yet again- gazing up at the sky just amazed that water could make so much beauty above me!
I have been so grateful for these glimpses of beauty. It was such a great reminder of hope, such a picture of grace, such a relief in the midst of a busy day.
Who knew that I would love a cloudy day this much :)

His "departure"

2007-11-07T12:42:00.001-08:00

So, I have been reading in the book of Luke- and last night's chapter was on the Transfiguration. It just hit me that Moses and Elijah had both been on a mountain before. They had both asked to see God - one in the midst of receiving God's laws, the other at the end of a long journey and bout of depression. Both of them "saw" God- his "backside" or His "still, small voice" - but now, they were face to face with God- Talking with Jesus on the mountain.
And what had they come all this way to chat about- Jesus' departure. They were talking about His death and resurrection. Were they chatting about the pain that He would experience? Were they talking about the purpose of His suffering? Were they chatting about how He fulfilled the law of Moses and was a "greater" prophet than Elijah? Were they talking about death - something that Elijah never experienced - what were they talking about? I don't know, but I would have loved to have been there.
I do know that they were chatting about Jesus and how He would "depart"- His suffering, His death, His resurrection and His ascension- pretty amazing stuff when you think about it...Elijah, Moses and Jesus having a chat about the Gospel! I would agree with Peter- let's build a tabernacle, a place to remember this!
I just thought, this story- the one that Jesus. Moses and Elijah were chatting about - this story is mine now........

life

2007-11-05T10:19:00.000-08:00

so, I have been living.....it seems that is taking all of my time now :)
I have been studying- had a test today and will have another test in a week or so. I have been running around looking for a particular Arabic book here in Amman. I have been watching Arabic films, trying to dive into the culture :)
I have quit tutoring, but now I am looking for other ways to engage with people here. So, I have to go back out and try to volunteer route, the "job" search or other ways to consistently be involved with people and practice my language.
I do have a funny story though. We are memorizing Bible verses in class and last week's was "all Scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, correction, reproof and training in righteousness." but when I was saying it in class I said "all Scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, COOKING, reproof and training in righteousness." So, who knew that the Bible was good for cooking :)

busy

2007-11-04T07:31:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I have been busy and haven't blogged lately. I have been running around with a friend from Beirut, having dinner and fun with friends, church, and class. I have a big test tomrrow- the last test in the "book" the next one wil be a semester review. Yes, the semester is far from over- probably 7 weeks to go, but my class is almost finished with the book. So, we will start the 2nd semester book in the next few weeks.
I have to make this short because I have to go and study-

story continued

2007-11-01T05:52:00.000-07:00

It is so easy to think that living the "real life" means being busy, effective, purposeful- and then when something happens and you feel stupid- really stupid...it makes you all squirmy inside and wondering who you really are, what you really want to do-
Today I had a few of those "squirmy" moments. The kids that I "tutored" (actually, I just fussed at them to bring their homework and i HATED doing it and have been saying for the last 2 weeks that I needed a way out- even asked someone last week to take over for me, but they couldn't so I was stuck with it) Anyway, today the parents told me that they were going a "different direction" and didn't give much more of an explanation. I wanted to ask, but then I was just happy to be getting out of it. But then I thought, what if they are "firing me?" What if I did their math wrong or something? What if I am dumber than these 8th graders?
And then, in class, I kept forgetting everything and then I didn't want to come home and study...but I had to-
So, as I was walking to a much needed arabic tutoring session, I listened to some cranberries, Patty Griffin and just took in the weather....trying to remind myself that even though I felt like I had just "unearned" my identity....it was secure and not based on what I do. I just wanted to breathe, to be alive and not so obsessed with being "worthy"-
I just wanted to see grace in this moment of pain and squirminess and un-fitting.
Today, on the way to school, I was thinking about the day and my squirminess and all. I thought about how I felt like I needed to make "my story" great today (to make up for yesterday!) And it hit me. This isn't my story. I am not responsible for how fun it is. I am joining the most amazing story ever...the narrative that started with creation and will continue for eternity as God makes all things new.....and I am just in the midst of the story. I am not the "main character" as I think I am, I am not the one who controls the plot or the intensity....I am a character in His story.
I think I had a few minutes this morning where I "got it" - I wasn't trying, I wasn't earning- I was just living the story set before me.

life as story

2007-10-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about my life as a story- as the things that I do everyday strung together to make "katy: her story" and I have been wondering if it might be a little boring. If it might need a bit more "direction" - I think I have an interesting "setting" and I am not sure what the plot is- but I am pretty sure that it could use a bit more structure, a bit more intent-
So, last night as I read about Jesus giving Himself over and over and over again- and how he "spiced" things up by saying "Which is easier, to forgive sins or say get up and walk?" - like there is a "duh" answer to that one- um...both are impossible Jesus :)
As He said this- and then stunned the crowd, the religious people and even the guy himself who came to be healed and then left with the promise of forgiveness.....I thought, this is the story I am joining. This is the story that has become my story!
So, I am trying to live the Story today!

redirected

2007-10-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

I keep saying and thinking that I want to "do something" after I finish my language studies. Those "somethings" typically mean something with refugees, something with peace studies, something with reconciliation, something. but all of these somethings require a lot of learning on my part. So. I have decided that if I am going to "seriously" do "something" I need to get started. I have books here that I could read, things I could do- but they will all require a lot more discipline than I currently have- so, hopefully this blog is a declaration of sorts- to start the engine and get a move on! of course this will all have to happen in my "spare" time...but I do have some, and I want to use it wisely!!!

a break

2007-10-28T00:19:00.000-07:00

It seems that I have fully latched on to the idea of "sabbath" - I have "made" myself have a day where I do "nothing" but what I want to do, and even take that down a few notches. I used to have to fight for this day- make myself take it, make myself not to hang out with friends or make "plans" for the day. It was hard work and I fought even myself. But now, I love it. I don't even think about saying "yes" to plans on Friday. No is my first thought and desire.
I have fallen in love with the idea that I have a day to sleep in, watch movies, read books, veg out or whatever. A true day of rest. I love it.
Today I got an extra day of rest, and boy has it been awesome. I have enjoyed having extra time to "think" and read and watch a few movies (thanks Jessica and fam!)

great day

2007-10-24T11:10:00.001-07:00

fighting Arabic has days that you seem to be slaughtered and death is right around the corner. And then other days, everything seems to be going right and you can chat for hours.
After a week of getting slapped around by the lovely language, I came out on top today. I have spent a lot of time studying (which always results in better Arabic days!) And today I held my own in an "all Arabic environment" for about 3 hours!!! It felt great! I like getting it right :)
I am really enjoying being back here - my trip to Beirut and Mom's visit seems to have put me in "my right mind" (if I have such a thing). I have been studying, talking, hanging out- and seem to have energy that I had forgotten (I think this means that I am through the first few waves of culture shock) I am reading the book of Luke and have been amazed at how fresh the story is this time around. I have seen Jesus stand up to thousands of mis-perceptions of who He is, what He should do, how He should do it- He came and lived (died, rose, and is coming again) - lived the Kingdom of God. He didn't get bogged down in trying to make sure everyone "got it" nor did He change the message to make it easier- He lived it. He proclaimed it- He explained it. No matter what.

busy

2007-10-23T09:24:00.001-07:00

I have been so busy lately that I still have 3 unpacked suitcases in my room and countless clothes strown everywhere and dishes are beginning to pile up. I have about 2 hours of homework left for the day- so, this too will be short.
Since I last wrote I have traipsed all over Amman and Jordan with my mom, put her on a plane back home (a bit earlier than expected because of things back in NC) and then caught up on much needed rest and homework.
So- there are about 200 new pictures on my pics sight- so follow the link on the left!

back from Beirut

2007-10-17T02:56:00.000-07:00

I love my trip to Beirut- it was great fun and I got to do everything that I wanted to do- and i got to see most of my friends. I will post pictures soon-